Penguin is gone. we had to put him to sleep. my heart hurts. just when i think we finally ran out of tears, one of us starts and we can't stop. i miss him.
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Monday night-really late.
I didn't think I wanted to write about this yet. but it seems like the only thing I can do. I don't know how this happened. I know, he's just a cat. no.. he was our baby :[ He wasn't just a cat.. He was so cute. he was the perfect kitten. he was so happy. When we first saw him at the pet store, he was in the back.. too small to be adopted. thats what they said. i don't know why. I can only think because they are too young and need extra care.. but those bastards didn't give them the attention they needed. shoved off in the corner of a dusty store behind boxes.. in a small wire cage. I'm sure they gave them food, but who knows if they made sure they ate. 5 kittens. 3 died. I didn't want penguin to die also. but we didn't get "her" out of pity. "she" was so cute and was was sweeter and funnier than all the other kittens. They didn't even know "she" was actually a he! because they didn't care about those kittens. they just cared about the money. We got him everything he needed. we loved him from the first day and he was so snuggly and lovable. he'd prance and wobble around like.. a penguin. ok maybe not the prancing part.. ii guess we should have questioned the wobble.. we thought it was cute.. not problematic. in fact, at first i really don't think it was. he wasn't just a kitten. all i did all day before him was fill my day with meaningless nonsense and nothing.. bored out of my mind with nothing to do.. he gave me someone to talk to. even if he didn't understand me. he gave me someone to care for. he needed me. and i needed him. i marked my calendar with his birthday and how old he'd be in weeks and months. he sat on timmys lap while he played video games. and he'd sleep in his game chair when tim was at work. he'd sit in the kitchen and wait in the spot he first had milk.. patiently waiting for more. and if he would meow.. :[ i miss him.
he slowly started becoming more and more what we thought was just.. 'lazy'. a few days ago, he walked over to me and i picked him up and set him on my stomach while i rested on our bed. after about 5 minutes i was going to move him onto the bed so i could get up. but when i set him down, he fell face first into the bed. if he had just fell to the side, i wouldn't even think twice.. i would have just thought he meant to.. but he fell on his face.. so i picked him up and set him down again.. and he did it again.. his legs were limp and useless.. he tried to move but he couldn't. he was so confused. after trying to figure out what was wrong, i called tim. he told me to call the vet we just visited the day before. the same one who said everything was fine. but it wasn't. they gave me a number to an emergency clinic. even tho they were across the street they sent me somewhere else because they had appointments. tim didn't realize how serious it was.. we decided to wait till he got home to take him to the clinic together. meanwhile, i gave penguin water and tried to get him to eat.. but he wouldn't.
basically when we got there they just took him and did whatever they wanted and gave him back. it cost $150. he was doing great, except he seemed so drained and in a depressed sort of mood. the next day, he seemed the same but slowly getting better. by 2 he was chasing my feet and being ridiculously cute like on the first day. we fed him all day, gave him his medication 2 times. and he seemed ok.
until 9ish.. when he stumbled out of his little house and fell.. he tried to snake his way to his food.. we ran to him and tried to get him to eat.. we called the vet and they gave us a number to an all night emergency clinic in thousand oaks.. so we went and they took him. they said they wanted to run tests.. but it cost $900.. just to see what the problem was.. that was for all the test.. we said we couldn't so they told us it would just be about $150 to do a few tests... the ones they thought were most important.. the tests showed he had over twice as many white cells than a cat with high white cells.... he had an infection or something. so they told us what medication we'd need. it was over $300. so we paid and left. he was still tired and woozy but he looked happy to be with us. so we get home and he's doing fine, for about 30 minutes.. and it happens again. but its way worse. we call again and they say to give him syrup and sugar water again and that they really want us to bring him back. so we do.. and they take him and tell us we should do the test but that he'd have to stay over night.. and it would cost us over $1300 this time. we told them we can't just pay $1300 just to see what those test say.. what if they say nothing? and we pay for nothing? or what if they say he had leukemia and we need to pay a fortune for medication every month? and thats even if he made it through the night. they said he barely had a 50/50 chance of surviving that night. and if we took him home we would for sure die. why didn't they tell us that the first time? they sent us home. they didn't tell us he would die. so many things were against him. he was so skinny. the vet said maybe he had worms and thats why he's so skinny but maybe not. the vet we first saw gave him a dewormer but it might have killed off the worms and also harmed him as well. he also had fleas for who knows how long. he had them when we got him. and kittens are too small to survive fleas. he was low on blood.. and he ate and ate but it didn't seem like anything stayed in his stomach. so he had low blood sugar... and even if all those things weren't a factor.. it might or might not have all been cause of some greater problem.. like leukemia or fip or something where kittens typically die from. they kept saying they cared but they didn't. they had everything to help him and they didn't because we couldn't spend that sort of money. it wasn't that we don't have it, just.. well the reasons i just said. we were in that stupid room for so long debating what to do.. crying.. and finally decided we had to put him to sleep.
the worst and most ridiculous part is.. we could have. tim just found out that the building in Colorado sold. i hadn't even thought of that at the time. i feel really stupid. i mean i know he probably would have suffered but what if he wouldn't have? and all he needed was a stupid test to tell us what he had and it was a sickness he could eventually get over.. and we just put him to sleep. but i guess we can't think of that.
i miss him. bah. i know its stupid... so worked up over a pet but i don't care. he wasn't just a pet. he was.. the only one i talked to during the day. i needed that. i have no friends. and i took care of him :[ i guess not good enough. typical though. i can't do anything right.
that all happened on Sunday. we were at the vet until like 6am.. and we didn't even sleep until 7am because we couldn't stop crying. yeah because he's gone, but also.. how cruel and heartless people are.. and how it even happened in the first place. after all the time and energy and money.. blah
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Wednesday 1am
wedding planning is ridiculous. and i haven't even done anything but look. I'm overwhelmed. I don't know where to start.
since we know we'll have that building money coming, we're not so stressed about the budget. its knowing what we need to do thats frustrating.
i feel kind of stupid. never again. nope. never. never ever ever will i be so stupid. well that's a lie.. but i mean in this particular area.. the area of stepping back into the past. its past. leave it there.. untouched. i guess its how it should be. its how its been and its been fine. I need to be less of a pack rat. i need to get rid of things that remind me of people and times. because it doesn't matter anyways. at least i got it off my chest.. a reason to get out of my head.. but still. i feel it was pointless. i sent vannessa a message and she didn't respond. not that i am a stranger to this sort of thing. i sent jenae a message about a year or 2 ago. maybe longer than that.. but upon receiving it she made her profile private.. and i got the hint. never dared to repeat that unappreciated gesture a second time.. until today. bleh. its not bad enough i get rejected enough.. then i have to go seeking it out. why? i must like to hurt myself. or maybe i was really hoping something good would come from it. obviously i don't think a simple message would fix the past and make things perfect or that we would be best friends again.. that's not even why i sent it.. it was just so she knew how i felt. maybe she forgot about me and if she hadn't she would have said something herself. obviously thats not the case, but at least now i know. so i guess it wasn't completely pointless. sort of. i feel poopey :/
its funny tho. a few months or more ago.. my mom suggested i try to contact jenae again.. lol. i told her what happened the last time and she said to try again. yeah that's a big no for that one.
i just think its weird. how people can SAY everything and mean nothing. i mean a billion years ago after i first broke up with Brett i promised him i would be his friend forever or be in his life forever or something like that.. and it ended up ruining like every relationship I've had. until it stopped. but i can't just tell people i will be there forever and then don't. or don't even try to be. jenae said her #1 goal was to be my best friend for life. HA. and vannessa said we were like sisters. and told me we'd always be friends and go thru everything together. and blah blah blah. lies. lies. lies. i mean maybe we really are like sisters then.. because me and my brother are barely speaking.. and its been a year or so.. idc. if this is how friendships work out, i don't want friends anyways. all my friends left me for bf's and now we never talk or they just disappeared out of no where. am i the only one who can maintain a relationship and friendships? vannessa's is the best tho.. saying she needed a "break" from the friendship. temporary my arse. i just think its better to be up front with people.. why not just say the truth. sure its no hair off their back but for the person waiting around, its sort of a big deal. not now but it brings back memories of when it was. so maybe it still is? idk. I'm tired. why do i care?
so..
i like that song "forever" by chris brown. i think he's gay tho.
the hills is so gay, but I'm obsessed.. :/ i guess I'm gay.
the flower said i wish i was a tree. the tree said i wish i could be a different tree. the cat wished that it was a bee........................................
bye.
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