I think i feel an adequate amount of awkwardness for what I sat through tonight. I don't know how to handle myself in situations like that... oh wait... yep.. that was the first one... :/ I'm not a judgmental person. live life how you want. be who you want to be. i only get concerned a. when i know its not who you are and you don't want to be that way. b. asked for help directly to me or in general. and c. when it directly effects me and someday my future. tonight... it was c. and also... i just feel.. i mean you can never know everything about a person.. but i felt so... strange. i felt like i didn't know who tim was at all. not that it was him who was making me feel uncomfortable. i just.. i can't describe it. i need to lay down. ---------------------------------------------------- and the shit continues last night we had a major fight. i left the house 2 times to just clear my hear. i didn't take ym phone because i didn't even want to hear tim ask me to come back. i just wanted to be left alone. first i drove around for about 30 minutes. when i came back we fought again and then i took a walk for about 30 minutes.. it was cold. and i didn't have a sweater, just a 3/4 sleeve shirt. but i didn't notice until on the way back. its weird how that happens. but we got through it. and everything was fine. better than fine. most fights make you closer. and this morning he surprised me and got mad at something that he knew would upset me even before it completely registered and i knew i was upset. it felt really nice that he thought about my feelings at all and even more that he thought about my feelings before i had even thought about them. but things took a turn this afternoon at the animal shelter. we were all touchy feely on the way in. holding hands as we walked through the room with the dogs. and while we waited for tims mom and denis to catch up we were all huggy and kissy. we went into the cat room and no one was there so were looking around, were talking and joking and he's at my side the whole time. then this worker comes in, a girl about our age. and he goes and asks her if they had any kittens. i was busy looking at the bunnies but i over heard him asking and i was going to actually ask him to ask so i was like.. ok cool.. unfortunately they didn't when he walked back over i wanted to hug him and whatknot... but he didn't let me. and then walked away and stood next to the girl. among a long wall of cats he goes over and stands next to this girl.. still fine. and the girl is talking to the cat. she didn't start until after tim came over. and then she started talking in a baby voice to this cat, and tim was chuckling at her.... she wasn't even making jokes... she wasn't even doing anything but talking to a cat. it wasn't funny and it wasn't just a random chuckle.. it was a series of over exaggerated laughter for no apparent reason. now... i'm a girl. and as most girls... i've been flirted with on occasion. and it all seemed so familiar. a guy creepily standing around and laughing at things i say when i'm not even trying to be funny... guys laugh when they flirt. because girls like to think they are funny and guys know it. still it wasn't a big deal.. but to test it out. i walked over to hold his hand.. and he pulled it away. i was pissed and walked away and listened from a distance. tim didn't look at any of the other cats from that point on. he stood in that same spot until the girl moved. and then it was time to go.. lol. i just think its stupid. whenever an attractive guy is around me and tim, i make sure i am holding his hand or next to him at least and i let him put his arms around me and show me affection.. especially in those situations because sometimes i do get looks from guys... and if i let them think i was single or resisted tim during that sort of situation, it would just make him feel crappy. its not even what happened that is so upsetting. its that he is denying even being the way he was. and not wanting to be near me or have physical contact while that girl was around. as soon as we were in the car, then his whole demeanor changed and he wanted to know why i was distant... its not even the situation. i don't care anymore. i just want an honest conversation with someone for once. i feel like if i had to get that anywhere... shouldn't the first place to find that be my husband? idk, i think its more annoying to deny the situation than the situation itself. its bullshit. its like it wouldn't even be a big deal if you could just own it and say what happened and not "i didn't pull my hand away" when he absolutely did. its just stupid. i mean right after that we went to this mexican food place and the whole time this kid who worked there was making googly eyes at me... and smiling and staring.. and i mean he was weird looking but still... i sat closer to tim. i kept touching him and leaning on him. and didn't push him away. and its the same if the person would have been more attractive. but maybe i shouldn't try so hard in those situations. maybe i should just flirt away and see how that goes and how he reacts when its him feeling like i don't want to be seen with him or attached to him.