here I am Once again I pour out my heart for I know you are there you are faithful to answer with word that are true and a hope that is real in the safety of this place Im longing to pour out my heart to say that I love you pour out my heart to say that I need you pour out my heart to say that Im thankful pour out my heart to say that your wonderful thats part of a worship song. we didnt sing it today but its the first thing that popped into my head so I wrote it in this thingy. Its been a helpful uplift in the midst of all this crazy chaos. both church and uturn were really really awesome and spoke right to me. i was worried all day that brett would go to church and it would be weird. I had a sugar free red bull cuz I heard those are healthier but it still made me crazy fidgety times a bajilliom. I needed a tithing envelope and victoria was going to second service to find something to. So after uturn we go in and in all my parinoia... if thats spelt right... I looked for brett but he wasnt there so I thought they didnt come and I stopped acting so weird. Me and jenae were in the parking lot like 10 minutes later and jenae goes "i saw brett" and laughs like omg whats gonna happen. And I was like shut up cuz I thought she was making fun of me. And Im looking around like an idiot and out of nowhere I see them... just drive by... sure make sure I see you and leave... nice. But I figured... at least I saw him and that was good enough. BUT THEN! the mother was walking... the brett was leaving! The doughnut in my belly was about to be displayed infront of me once again, and not in the appealing way it started out. and then my mom freaked out. FREAK OUT! well I wont get into details but it wasnt good and she got all mad at me and we left and I could even get myself to try to look at brett because I knew I was leaving and I wanted to talk to him so bad so I just didnt let myself cuz I knew if I did Id ant to even more and I couldnt anyways. if that makes sense. Im glad jenae was with me. My mom pulled over and talked to me for a little. And it was good. And then I was upstairs and we talked somemore. And she told me if brett calls ands asks to talk to me... he can. But even if for some reason he doesnt call... at least we had those talks and she knows how I feel and I know how she feels. And it was ok. I even hugged her. Lunch was a little odd. And elaine and the mother had a little battle of the moms goin on. Still not to clear on who won cuz me and don were in the car talking about my friend caitlin and how she always pee's her pants... dont ask. nod. smile. good job. Anywho. all is well. I put this in Gods hands and it was rocky at first but he loves me and he made it work out ok. Well almost perfect... that part depends on brett. But almost is good for me too cuz I was expecting the worst... I guess I will find out how much he cares about me. oi. kinda nervous. but like I said. Its ok. And if he is scared thats fine, I would be too... I mean we are dealing with the mother. If he doesnt want to go thru more drama than I understand. Just wanted to see him. and this time it would be ok. well. i have to go to a movie. my tummy hurts. olser? bye. back and its really late. today was good. great actually. hehe I saw brett. Yeah I would have liked to have more time. Without people and such... so we could actually talk. It would have even been fine with just sal and maybe even donivan but his friend cody came and thats cool but it was my time with brett and then it turned into everyones time. he wouldnt hug me goodbye. I havent seen him in 2 months and he wouldnt hug me. I knew my mom wasnt around to get angry if it was even something to get angry about... and he wouldnt hold me. But thats ok. maybe its better that way. My mother told me to gaurd our conversation and I guess that means physical stuff too. Im sure theres a reason cody was there and why brett didnt hug me. Its better that we stick to friendship... thats what it felt like. But if its anything else perhaps we wont be able to have contact... so I will take what I can get. I wonder if after a while he will get sick of me... only being his friend. And move on. or my mom can be broken. I mean she is letting him contact me with her permission... soo maybe by some miracle in the future she'll be ok with me and brett being together again. I wanted to tell him so many things but it would have been weird. I didnt know what to say. I know he didnt either. Its just a weird situation. I still love you brett. I hope I can see you tomorrow. I wont expect a hug. no worries. I wont even ask and make it weird. My hermit crab is still alive... crazy. I saw day after tomorrow.. it was ok. Uh... it was cool actually, till the end. It didnt even end. I wanted the world to freeze over and everyone to die.. I was disappointed. tears. jk. or is she? well all.. Im out like a trout!! And Im a chipper ol' laddie! and by laddie I mean lady...