I am going to start writing in this again.

I have so much in me. Too much. Its all garbage. And I need to take it out.

But whats one mans trash is another mans treasure, right?

SO maybe someone can repurpose these thoughts into reasons and avoid everything I've ever never had to go through.

This time last year, I was in the same place. About to move to Simi Valley and live with my aunt and uncle. If I had known everything that would happen.. maybe i would have stayed here. Even though Ihad my own bedroom and bathroom and that was nice considering what I haven't had in the last couple years. Its the small things. Little luxuries that people take for granted. A quiet space, a bowl of popcorn, a fuzzy blanket, and an episode of the office... but for some reason its so hard to get all those things at the same time. or have the will to even enjoy anything. because everything is so hopeless sometimes. Having to remember to breathe sometimes. or eat.

but after this year, last year, the year before... i can handle everything. that isn't a challenge, Life. So stop. I did. I have. I can. But i need a break.

I cant even start anywhere that makes sense.

My friend Brandon and I hadn't talked in months. And last night he says that he is glad we are talking again because he can talk to his other close friend but they arent as clsoe as we were and he would rather talk to me. I said sometimes you want to just say how you feel and vent without having to explain and give back stories to everthing.

Thats how i feel like now. I've been gone so long. I used to feel like sitD was that close friend i wanted to tell everything to and it just KNEW everything already. So there was no need to explain. Its so exhausting to think of where to start because so much has happened.

but here are the basics.

i am married again. save your congratualtions because its to my ex husband. or i guess my current husband. He refused to hold up the agreement we had. He kept putting me off. I was using credit cards to get by after he cut me off because his manipulative girlfriend said she would leave him if he didnt stop givng me money. the money we agreed to. i tried to keep it from going to court. i wanted it to be fair. i told him they would make him pay more than i was asking. he didnt believe me. he said it was too much. well. we couldnt come to an agreement and he refused to give what he said. he finally just said he wanted to hear what the judge had to say himself and told me to do an appeal. so i did. now he says i am the one who wanted to do it.. "to gain control over him" because he says Im not over him. uhg. if anyone is controlling its him. he's controlled the entire situationl. Ive been completely powerless in this. i cannot even get married because Im in this legal battle with him and to be in it means to be married again. and to be unmarried while we do this, apparently, is a lot of paperwork. says my lawyer. so im hoping this is over soon. not that i plan to get married any time soon. but it would be nice not to feel held hostage in my marriage.

i was with Max but he wasn't ready. We were long distance for a long time and i knew long distance wouldnt work. and it didn't. it really really didn't.

A lot happened last year. Its too much to write about now.

But I'll be writing from now on.