Sooooo..

what do you think it means when you ask your boyfriend if he wants a blow job.. and he says.. a solid "no".

Like no me... this is a question for a friend obviously. ha.. ha..

Why pretend that I'm any less pathetic than I am? Wht does it mean... It means he's over it and I'm just too stupid to take the hint.

I'll be honest here. I have had a lot of wine and I dont give a fuck what anyone thinks about the fact that my boyfriend is all good in the blow job category. Do you think he already had one today? who turns down a blow job..

He wouldnt even kiss me. Yes... we had a fight earlier. the thing is theres more to this story than meets the eye and no i will not go into it but i will say this... he has an affliction. and i have autism. and the 2 just do not mix sometimes. at all. maybe ever. but fuck it we're trying. i mean i think he is. he had been. maybe he still is. im not entirely sure. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shit balls fuck jkdsbfk. sometimes thats all i think. and the rest of the time its childrens songs. lol its weird. is that normal because it seems not so much..

But is that even a thing "no one turns down a blow job" or is that just one of those things people say.. like nno one turns down cheeesecake" but what if you had a late dinner and you're full.. or already HAD cheeesecake.. again with the already cool in the cheesecake department. Where is there a metaphor for him not wanting a blow job that doesnt sound like he's already had one... maybe he's just sad. headache. tired. no. i asked if he was tired and he said no. and i asked if he was bored he shrugged. i said ok.. want a back rub? no. want a blow job... he said he "couldnt hear a fucking thing I was saying"... i regained my composure and asked again... "well. i said.. do you want a blow job?" and he just says no.

I'm not the sort of personthats just always going about rndomly giving away blow jobs. obviously. even in a committed relationship.. idk... certain things have to be established to spark my interest. its not a delghtful endeavor but undert he right circumstances.. you know love and all that.. it can be good.. even sexy... even awesome. but overall i find it shrug worthy and i dont typically like it. that being said, i find myself wanting to give him blow jobs more than I'd think I would.

its not like we're lacking in the sexual arena. if we go a day without sex i start to wonder whats up.. 2 days and I freak out inside. its been 2 or 3 now and idk. its not right. what happened to those 2 times a day days...

we've been fighting all week and its different then most fighting couples because of this affliction and my autism. its different. i try not to take it personally. but its hard. and very time it wears me down. but Im trying. maybe thats the problem. im getting side tracked. even when we fough before we would still have sex almost every day. but now.. its like i feel strange even asking... and now i have a reason why. before ithought i twas all in my head. but no.

the other day after one of these fights he said he was sorry and stuff and i did too and he told me that he destroys everything beautiful. he said he turns beautiful things ugly. i mean i get that.. i felt that bfore but... does he mean he doesnt think Im beauiful anymore? Is he not attracted to me..? I've been self conciuosly lately but if I'm really honest with myself... Im not gross. I mean... Id say Im cute. I wouldnt say hot or gorgeous like he always says.. not so much lately like the last few days but he's always saying im s jsbudfd. idk.

Maybe I'm too much. Maybe sometimes guys just dont want a blow job.

But the problem is is that we JUST had that conversation... last week maybe a little more than that I was like super bored and wanted to have sex but he was sleeping so I was htinking about waking him up.. like.. with a blowjob. I thought.. what guy wouldnt like that?? But i ultimately decided against it. When e woke up we were talking and it came up somehow.. Im paraphrasing but he said "really?" I said "yeah... but I wasnt sure how you'd react" and he kinda luahged or thought i was weird and asked what guy wouldnt like that? and i mentioned how sometimes he's a bit [read: very] grumpy whn he wakes up. he said "thats different". i said I figured it would be but still unsure because a looong time ago there was a similar situation where we were talking while he was at work and idk how it came up but he told me that watching me touch myself was hot te last time we had sex. well obviously... its not like i didnt know that but the fact that he said it to me out loud made me want to o it again for him like immediately.. well lets just say it didnt go according to plan. i dont even want to talk about it. lol its not terrible. it was just embarrassing. ah fuck it. we fiished having sex but i was still going strong but it was still the beginning of our relationship at that point and i didnt know how to say such things.. i mean i finished but so what i wanted to again maybe 3 more times idk man. Soo Im laying there and decided screw this.. i'll just go to town.. if he is too tired he can sleep BUT if he wakes up... pleasant surprise.. joins in... 2 happy people.. not quite. he thought i was trying to be sneaky. lol. well if i didnt want him to know i wouldnt be rubbing up against his side... i'd go like to the living room and do it or just go to sleep. i have an off switch.. Im not a bloody animal. i just didnt feel like turning it off. Anyways it was dumb. So it made the whole waking him up with a blow job thing confusing.

So he said he would be into it. He said he couldnt imagine not being into it.. unless maybe he was "completely exhausted and hadnt slept in days" or something and then in that case he might not respond welll. Which is why i turned andasked if he was sleeping. no. tired? no. etc. idk.