Listening to: linkin park- numb (actually thats a lie cuz im in the coc library but if i were.. yeah)
Feeling: achy
gosh. I hate when annoying people are only annoyig when theyre around you and then as soon as other people are around they act completely different.. and the other people are like "they arent annoying" but reeeeeeeally they are and you know it and they will NEVER ever know it because for some reason that annoying person has chosen to make your life a living nightmare and only be annoying at you... yeeeeeeeeah. that annoying person is the artist formally known as *drum rolll* the mother. uhhg.
She makes it so impossible to even attempt to honor her. cuz thats what im supposed to do right? "honor your mother and father" sometimes is it okay to bend the rules? Does honoring her give her control? or can i still honor her and make my own decisions? is there a line you could cross before its just completely unhealthy? How far does the role of "mother" go? Advice and input, wisdom and truth... but when it comes down to it... shouldnt i be the one to make the final decisions. i never imagined that this would be an issue espcially at 18 almost 19 years old.. She should just sit back and let me think for myself. I know she cares about me. I know she thinks she is doing good, but she's doing the opposite. She's only pushing me away further and further. I mean im a pretty reasonable person... actually, im more than pretty good when it comes to the mother.. i involve her in my life so much. its my fault. i gave her too much control. i mean i dont do what normal people do.... i dont just let it go in one ear and out the other. Maybe in the past that was the case. but now, i take the advice and wisdom and i dwell on it, i consider it, and most of the time i agree. its when she tries to force her opinions on me that i get upset and feel the need to spite her. not only for being annoying (and overbearing) but for trying to turn me into a little her. Im 10 x's the person she ever was at my age and yet i am being critisized for it? i should be getting praised it nothing else. She doesnt appreciate that i listen, i hear, i take it in. but im not her. I dont want to be and i hope i never am. I want to form myself. And by "myself" i mean God and myself... just me with the direction of God. Not her. And she should trust that I want that... that i want what God wants for me. I would be concerned if i didnt want it at all. But i do. i make ALOT of mistakes but at least i want it i dunno i cant explain things.. And she cant keep saying God is using her. Cuz maybe once in a while he speaks through her but you cant tell me God would act like her and force himself on people. He's about free will and forgiveness right? exactly... and she should know that aaaaand we're supposed to be like christ.. ok well she isnt very forgiving and she is controling.. the very opposite of christ. so she cant condemn me for all the patheticly little things i do when she doesnt even know how to act herself. why is it that i can do something completely awful and still know that God accepts me and loves me just as much as before but i dont have that same assurance with her? She's obsessed with me. and not like she has a fan club of me and throws me parties.... no no... she is obsessed with making my life a living zuccini. cuz i hate zuccinis. She's jealous. i dont blame her but still. i mean she said a couple weeks ago after sean broke up with me "you know im 43 and in my whole life ive had 3 guys tell me they love me and only 2 of them count.. and youve had 3 guys tell you they love you in 2 years." she's 43 years old and she isnt married or getting there anytime soon and for some reason she always tries to sabatoge my relationships. cept sean, kinda did that on my own. but bleh. and if not sabatoge... she tries to have control of it... i guess cuz she has none over her own love life. and she tries to be all involved and whatknot.. and i would love to involve her. i really would. but she is crazy. and you just cant involve crazy people. nope. but like i was saying.. she cant get all crazy mad at me for the decisions i want to make when she makes bad decisions all the time. she's a contradiction. cuz she tries to seem so perfect. she isnt. I dont go around making people think im "so perfect" if thats their opinion fine.. but if they ask me something that would make me look less than perfect.. i wouldnt hide it. i wouldnt be ashamed. im over that phase. And sheee just hides things and sugar coats everything. whatever who cares. I really do love my life. i just kinda wanna kill my mother right now thats all.. i know my life is soooo much better than so many less fortunate people. but why is this wall of unbearable impossiblity put beforeme? and not just for right now but my whole entire life. i dontt understand why. everyone has obstacles in their life and such, i just dont think one of them should be your mother. and if it must be ur mother.. you should have a father to fall back on. cuz otherwise.. what the heck?? and jasons no good for this crap... he agrees with everything my mother says. he thinks im psycho. maybe i am. he said all that nice stuff to me.. but i guess he was more drunk than i thought. he probably doesnt even remember talking to me. ouch my bones ache.
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i wrote that this morning cuz my mom was not being the most pleasant of people in the car this morning. nope. not at all.
I went to work and such but nothing exciting or interesting happened. yesterday theo came in. heather likes him. ha wonder why.. he is gorgeous! i hope he isnt gay... he should ask her out. she deserves a gorgeous man. a goreous man in a suit.. yup.
I went with jason to turn in his application at Honda. yeah, Tim works at Honda lol he looked silly. good silly. He said i can wear his shirt.. it says "Tim" woot. much excitement. me and jason went to tags to give sage a shot or sumfin crazy. and every girl in there had a little dog... must be a new fad. and when the fad ends... poor doggies...
i came home and passed out on my bed. I hardly never use covers when im just taking a nap... but i did. and i slept waaaaaaay longer than intended. so when i woke up i look over and my clock says 5.. and im thinking its thursday morning already... and im like.. '5 OMG! i missed english class! no... thats on friday... OMG! i have a couple more hours to sleep..' and then my brain was freaking out and im like 'what the heck? i dont remember what happened yesterday!!!' and then i realized 'OH.. 5 PM'.. Im a dork.
So i decided i probably shouldnt go to church tonite. well i should. but i have alot to do tonite. and its kinda 7:15 already and im not dressed and i dont even know if jason is here and i feel bad making him drive everywhere at the last minute. soooo.. no church :( i really like it tho... i like this discussion thing theyve got going on now and worship has started up again and bleh... o well.
i decided im gonna start making my font blue yay for blue stuff!
aww i like this song.. its from a walk to remember.. aaaawww i like that movie... but yeah its called dancing in the moonlight. its cheesy and kinda gay but ya know what?? shut your face!
I love you much
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Kelly Clarkson- The Trouble With Love Is
(yay for kelly clarkson yay)
Oooh oooh, ooooh yeah, mmmm...
Love can be a many splendored thing
Can't deny the joy it brings
A dozen roses, diamond rings
Dreams for sale and fairy tales
It'll make you hear a symphony
And you just want the world to see
But like a drug that makes you blind,
It'll fool ya every time
The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all
Now I was once a fool, it's true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world's a deeper blue
I'm sadder, but I'm wiser too
I swore I'd never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn't worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name
The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all
Every time I turn around
I think I've got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin' and I keep on fallin'
Over and over again
The sad story always ends the same
Me standin' in the pourin' rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two
(The trouble with love is) The trouble with love, yeah
(It can tear you up inside) It can tear you up inside
(Make your heart believe a lie) Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
mothers are that way
im so glad i dont live with mine anymore
ahah
sorry
i notice the words you use
very church like
anyways
yea
you shouldnt really compare yourself to her since you both are in differnt timespace thing
so yea
just learn to accept the fact that there is nothing you can do about it and in time it will get better
trust me
it took me moving out and avoiding my mom to have a good relationship with her
and im a nobody
i only have friends that are nobodies
are you a nobody
?
anyways
i wrote you a letter
like a week ago
i have yet to send it
soon i will
ill write another
one
send that one with it also
anyways
no
i never get any from you
!