[1247] Well..

by ilickdoorknobs
that was hard. ".....I know I should move on. Let it end there with loss accepted. I know I should go. But something keeps me still. There isnt so much a cure for failure as a remedy. You can mourn all you did wrong.. rise in the empty fantasy of how you'd do it better if only you could go back. Or you could do better now."- ---urv. everwood. it wasnt long enough. i didnt hug him hard enough. i cant tell if he was crying somewhat or.. if he was just waiting for me to go and getting anxious. i couldnt tell because my eyes were kind of foggy. but he hugged me back. he didnt make me ask.. that was a relief. i cant find my tv remote. how symbolic right? heh. im so lame. everything is a 'symbol' these days. i cant get my head to shut up. love isnt like movies or shows. unfortunately. you cant go thru so much and break up and get back together again over and over and then finally "get it"... aparently. i mean maybe you can i dont know. but its been my experience that it just isnt real. or in my case.. it just isnt happening. i keep hoping tim will just miss me soo much he wont be able to control himself. the more i think that way.. the more i act that way myself. i want to stop seeing him in my head every 2 seconds. i want to stop looking at my phone wondering if he is looking at his. i want to stop writing about someone who wants to move on so badly. and then i think about that and it i hate myself for wanting that. i just wish i didnt break us. i wish it was something bigger than us. but it was me. i did this to myself. i just want to rewind. redo. take it all back and love him unconditionally like i should have. i guess you cant ever really love someone unconditionally. theres always conditions of some sort. timmy had his and i broke them and now, its over. for me... he broke some conditions yeah. but i dont care. i miss him. and marriage. it isnt even on the table for me anymore. whatever God wants for me is fine.. im not pushing the issue again. and even so.. i realize tim was right the whole time.. we werent ready. i felt it on some level but i didnt want to accept it. i just wanted to marry him because i loved him. and i thought it would take away some of the related problems. i didnt want to lose him.. and thats what ended up happening anyways. timmy said he would want to be friends. but i know myself enough to know i couldnt do that. i'm no martyr. well. maybe i am... who knows. anyways, thats why i went over. to say goodbye. i didnt even get the words out but thats what it was. unless he decides otherwise.. i dont want to push anymore. i feel like maybe i should sometimes because of how stupid i was and like.. its my fault so.. i should fix it. but i cant fix what doesnt want to be fixed. i tried. i could try so much harder but.. i dont want to be like.. overbearing. heh besides i think i already crossed that line.. i told jason a few days ago that i wasnt sure if we should date or hang out or whatever you want to call it. because my heart was still breaking over timmy. he said he wasnt going anywhere and i would have to shoot him in the face first... well... bang. bang. i cant deal with this.. i love timmy. this whole thing has shown me how much i depended on him. and i dont ever want to be that dependent on anyone again. i dont want to need him. but i want him. and i love him. i want to be with him. whats wrong with that? --------------------------------------------------------- i was trying to find a picture i posted a long time ago on myspace. i couldnt. but i read an old entry and... i put a quote from a book i was reading... it got to me. its not like i think this way now or i think that it definately happened or was like this.. it just got to me.. "A guy friend of mine refuses to break up with a woman he's engaged to because he's scared. (yes, we're a classy species) When I beg the guy to pull the plug, he always says the same thing: "Greg, I'm waiting for the big fight. I'm just waiting for the big fight." In the meantime, he picks on, bickers with, needles his fiancee, just so he can have the "big fight" and get it over with. It's not pretty, but i hope it scares you just a bit." well. tim didnt like do all that stuff. and if he did im not sure it was intentional or not.. maybe not at all and i just took it like that soemtimes. idk sometimes i think im the one who felt like that.. waiting for the big fight but.. thats just a thought that crosses everyones head once in a while i think. especially being around each other so much. but i wasnt ever serious about it. maybe he was. who knows really. he wont tell me thats for sure. one thing i wished i changed tho. i wish i would have just gone to bed earlier. even if i didnt fall asleep. not even watching tv. just being close to him.. all the time i wasted on the computer or in another room watching tv.. i could have been rubbing his chest or just watching him sleep. i guess you dont realize how important the little things are until you arent able to do them anymore.
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