"I miss you so much."

Sent from my T-Mobile 4G LTE Device

...

Something is wrong with me. These words are magnets. My eyes and my soul keep coming back to them since he sent them at 8:26am Wednesday morning. Reading and rereading 5 words. 5 words. His response to my 15 paragraphs. Some of which were only a sentence or 2 long but still.. this is all that he could put together? Oh, do you miss me? A whole.. 20 seconds worth to type it out.. send it.. and go about your day as usual? Schedule me in between other non important events like taking a shit.. or playing another stupid game on your phone for 4 hours. And even that stupid fucking game gets 4 hours. sleep. eating. walking to and from the bathroom.. all took more time and effort than this fucking email. And what does it even mean besides the obvious... because it is obviously bullshit. I know that. history proves it. God confirms it. I ignored it. Rinse repeat. Until here we are and I am finally finally finally trying to be so nonstupid instead of so nonimportant to someone who is or has been.. everything. I tear them apart. What is there to pick at? Its barely anything. But I'm nothing if not an overthinker. This is what I do best.

I. miss. you. so. much. period.

I stared at it for a total of hours at various times today. i pick it apart. Each word. "I". He. Him. Max. Asshole. Obviously you. I know it doesnt make sense but I get irrationally angry at the obvious use of the word "I". Obviously you, asshole. Obviously. Thanks for clarifying. Again, irational was the key word. But knowing that doesn't tame the fire burning in my bones. boiling my blood. stinging my poors and making hairs stand on end. Literally. Its not really a stinging feeling.. more like... a lesser version of those cartoons when theyre so angry that steam shoots out of their ears.. it feels like a small scale microscopic steam releasing from my skin at all times. And the steam inside me and regular air are enemies. They don't mix and when they meet it feels wrong.

Miss. I say the words so much they lose all meaning. Its no longer an emotion. Miss. Mister. Miss America. Mystery Science something thousand I don't give a crap that shit was awul. Missed the mark. Mark walberg. I miss. Yeah. You miss. You missed the opportunity to not be a shitty person and not do shitty things. You missed the opportunity to have a good life with the one person who did and would have stayed through anything. No. You didn't "MISS" anything. You fucking ran. Miss implies mistake or by accident. You purposefully planned. Everything. You are selfish. You are cruel. You are blind.

You. Ewe. YOOOU. Who me? Because it could really be anyone. And why would I assume he means me.. when he had me he was always trying to get rid of me. It was always so "wonderful" in the beginning. He has some sort of super powers or evil force. Some sort of wizard. idk. The power to erase my good judgement and replace facts with fiction. It always ran out faster than a pictionary sand timer. He only wants me when.. when nothing. I was going to say :when he cant have me" but its not even when he cant have me.. he just always wanted me to want him reglardless of the fact that he doesnt want me and never has and doesnt give a shit and never will.

So. So what? SO... to imply how painful this is for him? Not just "i miss you" period. No no that's not good enough.. no because he knows I miss him beyond articulation. He wants to come to my level. Make me think we feel the same with a single word. Everything is so easy for him. Its a strategically placed "so" that's caught my attention every time. Every time. It wasn't an immediate fix, but it got me talking to him again. And I know he knows or at least he thinks he knows that he can just shit words out his fingers at me and get the same bs results. He sent it at 8:26am on wednesday. It is now.. 4:37am on thursday morning... I havent slept since I woke up at 1pm (yeah i know.. sleep is all bs right now) when i read ffirst read it. Its been almost 24 hours. ANd I know he was probably wondering why he hadn't gotten a reply in 24 minutes. Not to confuse "wonder" with "care". Curiousity doesn't equal love. And its only been 20 hours and 11 minutes. Its been excruciating. But slightly better than last night when all I could think was "he doesnt fucking care" over and over until my brain exploded and I died and a little hamster came in and took over my body and that's why I'm so crazy.. i have hamster brain. By the way, hamsters suck at relationships.

MUCH. much much much. munch. munchkin. I used to want a munchkin kitten. Its all I could talk about.. They're so effing adorable. I want to post a pic here now. But I'm not going to. But you know.. munchkin kittens are a lie.. theyre cute as kittens but as adults they look freaking weird. They're all stretched out and unhealthy looking. Who would want a hotdog cat? much. so much. muchness. Trying to convince me that there is any amount of "much" in his heart. He doesn't even know what much is. He has no much. He is muchless.

Period. Oh. Are you done now? Like I didn't know... its not like your email was so very very long that I had to scroll to see where it ended.. but you had to rub in the shortness with your very unnecesary PERIOD. Period. That's it. That's ALLLLLLL you have to say. Well, glad you got that off your chest sweetheart. For realsies. Because i know how much it must be killing him to be in a situation HE CREATED. I am so OVER my addict sympathy right now. It'll reset tomorrow and I can "blame it on his addiction" and call it a "disease" but right NOW... he is a fucking dick. a small chubby one on a fat man who cant reach it.

Btw its ok to say all this here because he knows I have had an online diary but he doesnt know the sit name. or my name on here. he was never interested. tim used to read my diary. i ddint even know.. he would make comments and I'd be like.. "oh.. you read that?".. "yeah".. all nonchalanty as if to say "of course". Like why wouldnt he?

All that to say.. I can't sleep. I cannot fucking sleep. I need to sleep. I need to get things done. I cannot stop my mind. I'm going insane. I need help. I tried the whole anxiety medication back in june/july for a couple months. It just made me tired. And what is the point of taking away anxiety and replacing it with being tired all the time? I mean yeah I slept, but i was always groggy. And being tired when i dont want to be. or need to do important things stresses me out.. so its either be anxious or tired. uhg. So I stopped those. And sometimes on nights like these.. i think maybe they werent so bad. But no. I don;t like medication. I understand sometimes it is necessary and maybe it is but i just want to try everything first. But its hard to get that done right now. Everything is delayed. I have no money. I have far away money. future money. But nothing spendable. I feel poor. And I cant do anything I want to do. Now I'm angry at Tim. that's a whole other can of bs.

We stopped talking.. if you can call it that.. on Friday. At 2:30pm. And he sent me a mean 2 sentence email. And I replied with a quick jab.

But then I felt bad and wrote that 15 paragraph email at 2am Monday morning basically saying "look i dont want you.. and this is why.. but i care about you.. i hope you are ok and hope you get better.. etc etc.. i will always love you but im content and i hope you are too". non of that is verbatim. but you try cramming 15 paragraphs into a short sentence. And he said to that..

MONDAY - 5:10am...

"You held on to us through my worst already.

I can't blame you for not signing up to do it again.

Pray for me to find the strength to ask for help"

Now. Pre-alanon Jeni would have been fooled and started to convince HIM that its MY CHOICE and I WANT to be with him. He's done this a million times. Its always the same. Its 3 sentences.

And of course he mentions God. Because he knows thats what i want to hear. Jusdt like he would throq in budhism shit when tlking to teresa who is a budhist.

BUT. I did not reply. And then he sent the "I miss you so much".. yesterday at 8:26am.

2 emails. And I haven't responded. He probably thinks I am dead.. I haven't ignored him since last year when I went to Niarga Falls and New York and other east coast states. I started dating Levi. And then all of a sudden he wanted to be all... sandfjkgvsanefbsfdhjv.

I'm tired.

Of everything.

And I will never know why but

I miss him. So much.