i've been thinking a lot today. Especially since the power went out today for like an hour. So i guess I was kind of forced into it. Thinking hurts. Buut.. it brought a lot of clarity. I'm realizing very quickly that Tim never wanted to marry me. My mom saw it.. i even saw it here and there and chose to ignore it. he never took into account any of my values. It doesnt make it any easier t realize that. heh.. it actually makes it harder sometimes... But it does help me see that this was definately the right decision. That tim is not who i have been waiting my whole life for. He isnt even #1 on my list.. a man of God. he doesnt respect my values or beliefs and he doesnt respect me. I deserve so much more. and im not afraid to say so anymore. I do. Ive never heard him actually say it but Im pretty sure he thinks me wanting to be a stay home mom is ridiculous. The whole job thing is stupid. Im going to be fine by february.. Im going to be a web designer with or without tim. Im heartbroken because its taken us a whole year to do the enevitable. i wish he would have told me in the beginning. thats what im mainly upset about. I wish he would have been a grown up about it and just said "ya know jeni, your great but we want different things.. i dont think we should start dating" instead of waste a whole year only to end up with broken hearts and nothing to show for it. I wish he would have taken me seriously... that day at coc when i talked about when when i wanted to be married, thats all he had to say. so simple. and we'd feel a sting. but nothing like this. its almost funny.. ive been thru this so many times that im becoming numb to the feeling.. I know that I've done all i can possibly do. And it didnt work. All you can do is what i did. you can say flat out "this what i want.. blah blah blah" and hear them say what they want and hope they match. and if they dont.. They dnt! and you cant just change it cuz you "love" them. what is freaking love anyways? its a word. its a feeling. We were raised so differently. It was engraved into his head that commitment doesnt matter. that living together before marriage is the answer. that not getting married at all is perhaps even better... that purity is something you lose as a child. and innocence is overrated. sex is simply recreation. And all the while, being engraved in my head was the complete oposite.(not better or worse, just different) that purity and sex were sacred. that marriage is a covenant. that you should never live with someone. that you should save sex for your husband/wife... Im seeing how much falling away from all my values has made me blind. Tim is a great guy. i love him so much. But who i want for a husband.. he's precious and pure. he's bold and respectful. I know my future husband is everything i need and desire. God has just been using this past year to make him even better. And with this time now, I will allow Him to shape me into the perfect wife for my husband. Tim wasnt a man of God. He wasnt even a christian. he didnt value my beliefs. he didnt value me. Even when I gave up everything... EVERYTHING for Him... he gave me sos little of himself.. and even had the nerve to call me clingy. i admit over the past month.. he's right. I could feel myself being clingy and id want to stop but Im just as scared as he is.. only for different reasons. I have never been clingy in the past. i just wanted a straight answer. he would say "i wanna make u happy jeni. i love you jeni.." and 2 days later "i dont kow what i want.. blah blah blah" and then "trust me jeni. just have patience".. and then "im too scared.. blah blah blah". he was JUST as exhausting as me. just as annoying. you dont have to say words to be annoying. infact that was why he was annoying. he never told me a freaking answer, just tell me, its not that dificult. gah. I was scared of this. Of spending so much time giving my heart to someone who wasnt in my future. he knew it was coming. I was so scared. Tim is right... I dont trust him. I dont. I told him i didnt a long time ago. i told him its hard for me to trust people. and i know that i havent been perfect and that he can say the same about trusting me. His head is in a different place than mine, His family history is different than mine. his friends. his inability to follow through.. all factors of not being able to trust him. not like no one should trust him. cuz he is trustworthy. but about certain things i guess. like commitment. that kind of stuff. tim isnt a bad person. this isnt a tim bash. i love him. but its over. well.. now that thats out.. im gonna try to work on my english essay, bleh. and then run. and then find something else to do. im sure tim's sleeping. ah. ok. im done. i'll be back.