'I had visions, I was in them I was looking into the mirror To see a little bit clearer The rottenness and evil in me Fingertips have memories Mine can't forget the curves of your body And when I feel a bit naughty I run it up the flagpole and see who salutes (but no one ever does) I'm not sick but I'm not well And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell Been around the world and found That only stupid people are breeding The cretons cloning and feeding And I don't even own a tv Put me in the hospital for nerves And then they had to commit me You told them all I was crazy They cut off my legs now I'm an amputee, goddamn you I'm not sick but I'm not well And I'm so hot cause i'm in hell I'm not sick but I'm not well And it's a sin to live so well I wanna publish zines And rage against machines I wanna pierce my tongue It doesn't hurt, it feels fine The trivial sublime I'd like to turn off time And kill my mind You kill my mind Paranoia paranoia Everybody's coming to get me Just say you never met me Im running under ground with the moles (Diggin big holes) Hear the voices in my head I swear to god it sounds like they're snoring But if you're bored then you're boring The agony and the irony, they're killing me I'm not sick but I'm not well And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell I'm not sick but I'm not well And it's a sin to live so well' So Colorado has been nice.. interesting.. and frustrating at the same time. Nice(r) than last time. Interesting to consider moving out here. and frustrating knowing how people think of Aaron, STILL. Still. He can do no wrong. UHG. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. Michelle was telling me some things today, and she started crying. I felt bad and sad for her, but it mostly mad me angry. That this punk ass kid can have such an effect on people. On his dad and Michelle's relationship. That it most likely wont withstand his manipulation and selfishness. That it almost ruined me and Timmy. And seeing it from this perspective makes me even more angry that OTHER people cant see it. or choose not to. fuck people. Fuck denial. Fuck Aaron man. Seriously I have had enough of his shit and after talking to Michelle.. its like.. idk. She doesn't deserve his shit. I didn't deserve it. He used Tim and now he is using his dad. He uses everyone and manipulates everyone but no one gets it. He is a stubborn jack ass. He's ruse and arrogant and just a BAD person and people just LET him be that way. His dad could straighten him out but he chooses not to. Tim says his mom probably sees now but I don't think so. People are blind to his ridiculousness. I want to scream.. like really. I really would like to move out here. try. but.. at the same time.. its frustrating. like no one even considers my needs. I mean i know I'm not close to my family but what if I was? His mom keeps saying "no babies unless u live out here" and I know its mostly in a playing, joking way.. but its also true.. i know she wants us to have babies out here.. and that's cool with me because I'm not close to my family. never was. But what if I was!? What if in some crazy universe i was? And what if my family said "no babies unless u live in ca".. who would win? I'll tell you who would win. Tim's family. They always win. He puts everyone over me. I dont even know why I am thinking about this.. because its not even the case and i don't need to think about it.. maybe its because i wish it was an issue but its not. I wish i had a family worth being close to. I wish they didn't hate me for something I was too weak to prevent. For something I didn't understand. I wish I wasn't so stupid. My stomach hurts. I know his family would be happy if we moved here. Especially his dad. And you never know if you'll like something until you try it.. and.. we could always come back if we didn't. And houses are good for earning money. and the houses we looked at today are so nice.. with yards and 3 car garages and basements (unfinished but still).. and we're young and to have a nice house like those now? would be awesome.. but I don't want to be wishy washy.. I want to really think about it.. And while we've been out here I have been thinking about the why nots.. and some of them are: 1. smoking.. A lot of Tim's family smokes... I hate it, and it gives Timmy a headache.. and I don't want my babies around smoke. 2. Weed. People in his family smoke weed.. a lot. and I don't want my babies around that either. 3. schools.. this i dunno about yet but I wanted my kids to go to single sex schools. i dunno how easy it would be to find those out here. 4. friends. I just started making friends.. and now. I'd have to start all over. 5. Aaron. I'd have to put up with his bullshit and live in a place where no one "gets it" and everyone just tolerates his crap. 6. There are bugs.. EVERYWHERE. big ones. But it would be nice. Tim could work at Honda. The houses we looked at are right down the street from Tim's dads. We could work on old cars in his shop at his house and Tim could do side jobs at the shop his dad has in town. We would be close to his grandmas and still pretty close to his mom. Its a nice area too. Pretty and quiet and green. Tim would get me a truck :) and Jefri would love it. and they have cool laundry rooms. and big tubs. and 3 car garages. I've never thought about living anywhere other than California.. until Timmy. but I think I would like it. At the same time, what if I don't and Tim does? i wouldn't make him go somewhere he didn't want to. And he's been away from his family for long enough. And I'd be closer to my aunt and uncle and cousins in missouri. so. yeah. anyways. we went hiking the other day. got lots of pictures. and go carts.. the fast ones.. i spun out but it was fun. we hung out at his dad's today and helped with some stuff. moving wood out of the truck.. that was fun. well anyways. i hate that I am so afraid to say how i feel to anyone but Tim and Michelle. I wish people just stopped being so blind. he's a hypocrite. and a liar. the definition of conniving. '....I'm not sick but I'm not well And I'm so hot, cuz I'm in hell...'