I was reading this interview with an aspie woman on a website.. and this is what it said: "10) As a female with AS what do you most want NT's to know/understand about you? That I can't change not fundamentally the way I process emotions and even though I can seem like I am 'feeling' them like they do, and act as they do, it does not come from the same place. It is my intellectual ability that is doing the processing, not an instinct. Also, them coaching me and encouraging me to become like them will not make me change, it will just tire me because I will feel I am not doing enough and go on the overdo mode and then come across as overbearing and fake. If I seem distant it is not that I don't like them it is because I am either tired or am trying to figure out how to connect and be part of the interaction. If I am silent and stare out the window I am not ignoring them, I am paying a lot of attention to every word they say. When I am looking at them they should worry that I have not heard what they just said, because I can either look and decipher what I am seeing or listen and memorize that. When I don't reach out to contact them is not because I don't need them but because I need them far to much to dare tell them that, and fear being too much for them to withstand or deal with. It is when I am 'avoiding' them that I am actually 'screaming' for someone to reach out to me. " When I read this.. I could relate to it so much. So much that i wanted to cry. Not just this question but so many others that she answered could have been pulled right out of my head.. there have been times as i wonder about this.. that i think maybe its not true and I am making a big deal out of nothing.. Maybe its like that lump in my breast a long time ago that turned out to be nothing... but then reading things like this.. and the feeling in my gut i get when i wonder about it... its just me... i can't explain it. I know who i am and what made me and what I've been through. I'm going to get a diagnosis.. but even if they don't see what I do.. there are so many people who have self-diagnosed themselves and although I'd feel more comfortable knowing for sure from a professional.. i already know my answer. we went to that mayday parade show.. i know i said how awesome it was but.. and it was. it was amazing.. seeing one of my favorite bands live... i could only imagine how it would be to see Justin Timberlake if seeing a band i've loved for a few years made me that excited.. then what would seeing Justin, a person I've loved since 6th grade... omgsh.... but anyways that's not the point... so we saw the show and it was great.. but thinking back.. all i can really remember is my camera.. and the crowd. chewing my gum. and the end.. i was so overwhelmed by the crowd that i hid behind my camera the whole time.. i got a lot of cool pictures but its almost like someone else went to the show and showed me them and i didn't actually take them myself.. that's what it feels like anyways. but if i were there again.. i can't see it going any differently.. i could say it would but i know i would get extremely anxious and hide behind something. the show was at the same place we saw new found glory a while ago. i didn't have a camera that time.. but i don't remember that show either.. all i remember is the crowd being too close and tim behind me.. every once in a while the movement of the crowd would push my head against his chest and it was nice... at the time we weren't going out.. i was dating jason. but i missed tim. i don't remember the show, i was too busy wondering what tim was thinking. i remember getting cokes at the bar and talking to this guy who knew the band... or so he said.. now that i think about it.. i think he was lying! its funny because.. when i remember the distillers show i went to so well.. jenae made me feel comfortable in my own skin. its hard to find people who make me feel that way now. and when i was younger i didn't care so much what people thought and people usually thought my randomness and quirkiness was endearing or funny so it just encouraged me to be more.. whatever it was i was being. but people accepting me and considering me funny and cute wore off pretty fast and i discovered pretty quick how different i actually am... and now i am so self conscious its ridiculous. now i feel like all eyes are on me and not in a good way. i feel like everyone is laughing at me all the time. even small interactions.. like a few weeks ago.. the water guy came out to fix out leaky sink. when he was done i went to give him the coupon thingy that says its free. i handed it to him and he was like "i don't want that" i was like "oh" and pulled it back.. extremely confused. and he's like "I'm messing with you"... and I'm like "uh ok" and hand it back to him... he does fills out a form thingy and i sign and he says something else but it goes over my head and I say "huh?" and now (because i get it so much i can just tell now) he's frustrated with the conversation. he looks at me for a second and says "I'm playing with you... and you're just not...."and trails off shaking his head. i think he was trying to flirt with me.. why i dunno.. he knew i was married and cmon since when does fix the leaky sink mean hit on the married woman? but yeah lets pretend it wasn't inappropriate for a minute.. i had no idea what was going on... until after the fact when i had time to think about it. that's usually how things go. its funny because this guy on fb asked what one of my status messages meant.. i told him that it meant i need to stop procrastinating and get diagnosed for AS already.. he replied saying that from what he's seen i have no problem communicating.. and he is somewhat right. he would say that. because i am a lot better one on one conversations than groups. except interviews omg. that's the worst ever. for everyone i know, but for me times 100. anyways.. and talking over the internet is easy. easier. you can type.. delete.. retype. so many times stick my foot in my mouth in person and say offensive things.. or say things that come out wrong.. on the computer.. i can type something and be like wait! no.. they'll take that the wrong way.. and re think.. how should i word this.. and when it takes especially long to reply just blame it on something. "oh sorry phone call" or "oh sorry afk for a minute" lol... its not lying.. its.. just safer that way.. the only person i am truly myself with.. it Timmy. When I am completely myself with others... bad things happen. My back hurts. I've been up all night waiting for an energy pack in mafia wars..