Sooo sleeping is overrated.

Apparently........

Apparently my body just doesnt get the concept... that its good. that i neeeeed it.

I actually slept in late yesterday.. after being up all night.. like tonight. It seems I must be utterly exhausted before my body will accept the notion of sleep. Idk why it always wants to reset itself to this crazy schedule that works for no one.

I was worried about asking and then when I finally decided to I learned that my uncle and aunt were on vacation so I havent been able to make plans. And its been.. so.. hard. and awkward and then normal.. which feels even worse sometimes because things are anything but normal. things are so incrediby far from normal right now. Weeks ago going to my moms wasnt an option. But things change. And i finally askd her and she said ok. I was supposed to go Monday but well tim was working on the car and something happened and he needs to order a part. which he did should be here soon. But I cant drive it until then and he needs the other car to go to work sooooooooo.. yeah. Also the washer wasnt working and someone is going to come look at it so i said i would be here when they do.

Soo basically I know nothing about everything. I feel like I'm being pushed and pulled in so many conflicting directions. And the biggest dilema isnt even the only one. Even without it I'm ridiculously overwhelmed. One thing is that I dont know if i should go back to school or not. Or how I would if I wanted to. I mean that really depends on a lot of stuff.. like the outcome of the big dilema. and job stuff....

This new site idea just seems stupid sometimes. Sometimes not but most of the time... it just seems like a waste of time. and wonder if i should do what i always do and give up on it before giving it a chance and just applying at some stupid computery job doing stupid crap to make money for someone else and work crap hours andbe miserable like everyone else. everyone keeps saying that "everyone hates their job".... with this undertone of judgement ringing through.. like I am immature and stupid because I dnt want to settle into a life i hate just because "everyone else" does it. Which isnt even true at all. I used to want to be an actress (which honestly just sounds stupid now). I really seriously wanted to but had no experience.. but i was too afraid and insecure. Sometimes I want to take classes or get a coach and try again bu again it all depends on other things. But trying and failing at that seems more inticing than succeeding at most other things. Besides acting.. i like music. but i suck at guitar. i still suck at drums. and it all just seems like a waste of time when i think of pursuing it s anything other than a hobby. the computer science crap all used to make sense. but now.. idk. i realize if i get into that again I'll just be asking for one of those 9-5 jobs and office politics and bs water cooler chit chat with some person who doesnt give a real crap what i have to say.. just tryng to get an angle to stab me in the back or gossip about me. Its what always seems to happen.

I just want to make a difference somehow. I realize now as I get older.. and older.. and older.. that that's asking a lot. So many people.. some people are just going to live ordinary lives... it takes a lot to actually do something with meaning or impact peoples lives in a positive way. One reason i wanted to be an actress was yeah it would be fun getting to play diffrent roles and personalities and pretty much "dress up" who doesnt love that... but also because of the influence they have.. some use it for evil (and by evil i mostly mean stupidity) but some are actually good people and try to give back and make the world better. I had so many ideas last year. One ws for a nonprofit organization. But nothing comes from it because I didnt believe in it enough. I feel more capable to do certain things now but still. its overwhelming. If i had a nickel for evry idea i had that didnt amount to anything.. I'd be rich.

Did you know you need a bachelors degree to join the peace corps...

Which brings me back to schoool. Its so expensive. Being in Europe I met so many people with masters degrees. Not just because its important in their culture but its also super cheap and in some cases pretty much free. I've always felt I'm stupider than I should be... and if that doest make sense... that's exactly my point. Wasted potential. Because of money. Even with financial aid. And then no financial aid because i was married and we made JUST enough to not qualify but hardly enough to afford a full schedule per semester. So I took a class here and there. But I was dumb and did computer classes because I was working and it made more sense.. at the time.. to learn more in my field. It should be a requirement to finish general ed classes before any others because at least then you have those out of the way and are half way to your degree even if you change your mind andd switch fields. I did it alll wrong. I read that frrance and germany are really cheap even for foriegners. Under $400 for an entire year cheap. Usually its more than that per semester... at a community college.

I was complaining about this the other day to tim.. and ended by saying i was really consdering going to school in europe for this reason. a few days later he told me that stanford or some big name school announced that they're going to be offering free courses too and if they do maybe i could go there or maybe other schools will follow their lead. I said thats awesome. But, not to be negative, I could never get into a school like that. Also.. it'll probably be years. So. unfortunately, it cant really benefit me now.

I just want to travel again. More. 2 months sounds like a lot but it was so short. it was nothing. i would have liked to slow down. Seen more cities in 1 country. Venture away from the center more. I'm so glad I went to cinque terre. I really feel like that was the most beautiful, authentic place I went.

I dont think I even wrote much about the rest of my travels after Prague. Vienna, Austria.... overrated. Budapest... nice. fun. I liked it. Venice was pretty cool. a little dirty... people seriously need to pick up after their dogs or teach them to go in appropriate places... but yeah it was unique. Florence was fun but thats around the time my cold was turning into bronccitis. Met cool people. It was pretty. Statue of David was so amazing. My Rom experience was terrible. I saw the colusseum and that was awesome but thats pretty much all I saw. Barcelona was.. great. I arrived sick but I got better by the end. I had a really good time there.. Even though I also didnt see much but supermarkets and cafes. London was expensive.. I had a good time thought because I stayed at a category 7 hyatt hotel.. andaz on liverpool. Didnt pay for it.. i earned 2 free nights by signing up for the credit card and spending like $1000 in 3 months. Just used it for rent one time. And it was cool because they had free sacks and drinks an the bed was really comfortable. My biggest travel regret by far.. not going to frane. What is wrong with me? I'm not exactly sure. I guess I just wasnt in the right state of mind after being sick so long and feeling tired and just wanting to rest... like really rest. be alone. no obligations. but if i could change things i think i would have definitely stayed longer.. i think i would have gone to geneva and stayed iwth a friend and then tried to woolf in france. or something. or jut straight to ffrance. i ended up spending a lot more than i wanted in order to come home early.. if i just used it to go there first and fly out of denmark or sweden or norway.. would have probably been cheaper. I dont know why i didnt think of it.. i mean i flew into denmark for less than $300.

Anyways. ANd now I'm back. Its been almost a month now its weird. Time keeps snowballing.

I've been purging stuff in the garage. Getting rid of anything and everything we dont need or use. Its hard... how do people collect so much stuff? And really.. we dont have a lot of suff compared to most people. Espcially since i did this same thing last year and when we moved.. but still... so much stuff.

I guess I'll sleep. This was long and pointless. And really negative but o well. I'm sad.

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i never learn.