so i thought yesterday sucked. today was worse. the funny thing is... after 2 weeks of straight lies... i STILL was going to just blow it off.. we laid in bed this afternoon. we slept in really late. i dunno about him but i wasn't sleeping towards the end. just staring. after a while i knew he was up too. i could hear him sit up and then lay back down. and move around. i was just going to say screw it, and move close to him and put my head on his lap.. which in Jeni language means... this fight is over. at least for now and at the very least.. we can get past this. but something held me back. i waited. and waited. and waited. i was tired of waiting for him to say something. he screws up and throws my whole day away with his lack of effort. then just as i almost threw in the towel.. he says "the stephanie stuff doesn't add up because.." the night before we had been arguing. he lied again and i brought up other things i figured he was lying about. one being the stuff with stephanie. i told him it doesn't make sense what he told me because of what days he said things happened on.. it was impossible. saying one thing happened at the beginning of the month and the other at the end but somehow they were within 2 days of each other..??? it didn't make sense. his reply is always "well i don't remember specific days.. it was a long time ago". convenient. so i knew exactly what he was going to say. and i was right. that what he told me.. has been telling me for the last year, has been a complete lie. its not just the fact that he lied, or that he lied so much about it because we've had the conversation over and over... and i just knew.. its that he made me out to be so crazy for even thinking such things. for even thinking it was more than what he was saying. being so offended that i could say such a thing. and i did feel crazy. i did feel paranoid. i felt like a psycho... and he would repeatedly say that i knew everything and what do i want from him? and I'd say i wanted the truth and he'd make me some sort of lunatic. and then.. surprise surprise... i was right all along. i wasn't crazy! i was intuitive. he knew everything. things he never asked about. and thing i forgot about.. i told him as soon as i remembered. and if he asked.. i told him. he's different than me tho.. he doesn't always like to hear about everything. I need details. i want to hear the thought process. i want to know what made him do what he did. and what made him lie about it. he doesn't understand. he doesn't get that i could have forgiven the acts. the things done. but the lies? i said no lies. but even so... the last 2 weeks i have been moving on. and lie after lie i just rebound back to the same place. getting over the lies i said i wouldn't tolerate. and showing him that yes, maybe i was hurt and mad but it was workable... and now.. the lies before were big because there are many kinds of lies. 1. the lies you know someone wants to know but they don't know to ask.. so you don't tell them. 2. the things someone asks you about and you lie about it.. and 3. the things someone has been asking about for a year or more and you lie EVERY TIME and look them in the eye and swear to God!!! the 3rd one is the worst.. obviously. and he did that with 2 different subjects!! I've been asking him these questions for over a year.. and he makes me look like a crazy person. makes me look horrible to his family. I am turning ugly over all this.. stress is taking over my entire body in every way. an eye twitch, my stomach is all jacked up, I've chewed my finger nails down to the nubs, my skin is awful and my back is so achy. how many times do i have to forgive him? not just for these stupid things.. but for lying? i told him i would forgive him of anything. we got married and i said that all the time.. i would forgive him of everything, just don't lie to me. and what does he do? how easy did i make it? for him to screw up and not feel trapped in guilt. i tried to tell him exactly what i needed from him. exactly who i am. he knows everything about me. and yet. and he has the balls to say that maybe he is depressed and that's why he lied.... ef that. he doesn't know what depression is! its just ridiculous.. he gets everything he wants! everything comes so easy to him! what doe she have to be depressed about? and he said it was just the past month or so. well then explain the lies before this month... explain all the lies since last year and before that? and he says "well maybe I've been depressed my whole life" !!!!!! i can't be with someone like this. its like... telling someone with cancer that the reason they screwed up is because they also have cancer.. but its obvious they don't.... i am depressed. and its just a slap in the face to hear someone like him say he is and then use it as an excuse. he made me look like a fool. so many times I've written in here and told people about how trustworthy he is. genuine and honest. all the time. and he reads it and doesn't feel the least bit guilty or fake. he just falsely accepts it. unashamed. how can i be with someone like this? a liar. i could deal with a certain fault. multiple faults. but not when that fault is lying. and even if he could come to a place where he says the truth when i ask the right question.. how can i be sure he will tell me things that i don't ask about? and these things.. are magnified by the amount of time past and the lie attached.. but what about if something happens and its bigger than all this.. the act alone is huge... if he can't tell me these things.. some big but not huge and some small... what about the huge things? is there anyone worth trusting? no. i will never trust him. I already gave up on people. but he wasn't people. he was my husband. and my last strand of hope. and now that's gone. and no. it wont come back. if he can be this horrible to me when i feel like the last month I have been absolutely perfect to him.. I really felt like things were perfect. if he can be like that to me in those times... how will be be now? when i don't even want to look at him? saying we can work it out... how? when i cant stand to be around him.. if me being perfect caused him to lie and do stupid things... then me being horrible will just make everything 100 times worse. how did i get here? i didn't ask for this. he made me think he changed from the acts he did.. but i never thought he had to change being a liar.. i should have tho. because he did lie. about going to Stephanie's house when we first started living together. i should have known then. but i blew it off like i always do. I'm too forgiving because I'm so stupid. I would have never married him if i thought he was a liar. i knew he had a problem standing up for me.. and i knew we could work on that. i knew he wasn't romantic at all.. but he said he wanted to be and i believed him. and a bunch of little things that irritate people but you can work on them. I'm not an unreasonable person. i know he isn't perfect.. but lying.. if he wants to lie he can be with some girl who isn't so screwed up. because maybe she could handle it. but even if i wasn't so screwed up, i still wouldn't choose to tolerate lying. and he thinks his whiny little "don't leave me"'s and "it wont be like this" will change my mind. that is what he has been saying for 2 weeks. and I HAVE believed him. otherwise i would have left 2 weeks ago. so idk what's going to happen. i was going to check into a hotel but we were talking in the phone and i was so hungry and had to pee, i ended up coming back and staying. I'm going to read and then probably go to sleep when Tim goes to work. and sleep from then until he almost gets home. and then leave. I was so happy too. i almost had my sleep pattern worked out to a decent hour. these pills are doing wonders. i barely even cried. i don't think i did cry this whole time... just teary once in a while. I've been strong. its nice. i can hear in my head what old Jeni (off Prozac) would do but i can stop myself now.. when before i would hear him say sorry and crumble and forgive him in an hour. I almost feel a little too strong sometimes. but.. i prefer it. nothing can touch me now. i can feel the hurt still.. i know what causes me pain. but its at a distance. and i can put it back on the shelf like a book when I'm tired of dwelling on it whereas before.. all the books were piled on top of me and i didn't know which was which and i couldn't reach the shelf because i couldn't even get up. I'm really glad its working. she said it might not because it only works for 80/100 on the first try and 60/100 on the second and it decreases the more you start and stop.. I'm glad i was part of the 60%.