Most of my entries lately have been private because instead of introspective I just feel self-absorbed.

Brian moves in Saturday. 2 days. Weird. I've been so busy getting ready for it I haven't had a moment to really think of how it will change things. First of all.. I'm going to have to start wearing pants on a regular basis. and a bra. meh. Other than that I don't see it being a problem. I'm looking forward to it. We're going up Friday to help him move and stopping by my grandparents house for dinner. I haven't seen grandpa in a long time. Jaspar moved his stuff down to the place he's staying last weekend and we hung out with him after. I guess Brian, Jerry and Jaspar were talking to some guy at work and he was asking Brian if he thought it would be weird living with a couple.. I guess the guy asked something that implied that chicks were high maintenance or always wanted to have their privacy or Idk stuff like that. Jaspar said Jerry immediately said "no way. Jeni isn't like that." and then jaspar agreed. Its nice to have friends that stand up for me and not cut me down behind my back. They've all been really cool to me. Things are going to change a lot now that they're moving here. Actually have people to talk to. Even if it is just joking around. I miss being around friends.

This last year and a half has been so crazy. Everything is constantly changing. For better or worse but never ending. There have actually been a lot of positive things happening lately. A lot to be thankful for. One imparticular. But instead of being excited and hopeful I feel mostly like.. that feeling you get when you're falling backwards.

I know that feeling is only because about a month ago I realized something I tried to block out. It was shoved right in my face and there was nothing to do but deal with it. It was intense. You think of these things and they sound like fairytales and horror stories and you don't think to prepare yourself because you live in the real world. That's actually how it usually is for me.. I never consider that I will ever be put into any sort of situation ever and then I'm there and I'm like.. oh crap.. if only I prepared for this. I had tried justifying it this whole time and believed myself. Blamed myself. And then I realized I was just lying to myself. Because i didn't want it to be true. But it is true. And even though it happened over 6 years ago.. I've been having to deal with it for the first time. I don't like thinking about it but that's all I've been able to do since the beginning of this month. All sorts of things came up. The last few weeks it comes in and out of my head at random times. causing chaos like a bull in a china shop. Luckily I've been so busy most of this week I haven't had much time to think of anything but getting stuff ready for Brian to move in. But the first second I sit to rest there it is again. And it sucks.. thinking that that is a part of my history. And I can't change it. And I just have to accept it. I had a particularly rough time thinking about it recently. Then last night I was trying to stay busy and organizing and packing some boxes.. I put How I met your mother on in the background because I've seen every episode a million times and didn't want to get distracted from what I was doing. And in one episode they were talking and something came up and (I'm being vague on purpose) and it triggered the thoughts. But then they said something.. and it made me reevaulate things.. it didn't change what had happened but it changed a part of what made it so terrible. A big part. Not the situation but some of my feelings about it. Because of something else that had happened a couple years before this thing happened. And it doesn't make it okay but it makes it a little less idk. Its a gray area but I'm making an executive decision to lean towards the positive side. So that I can happily accept that part of the past even if I can't accept the other. Yeah.. all that because of some conversation on a silly sitcom. I can't explain without saying everything and I don't feel like getting into it. I used to write about everything on here. From what I had for lunch to the most personal things I would never think to tell people in real life. Nothing was too personal. I guess lately some things are. Being vague is good enough for now.

I've been having to accept a lot of things lately. This months theme seems to be accepting things you can't control. Some things have been harder than others. I don't understand how its so easy for some people. Probably because they're robots or somethinggggg.