i don't understand people. "who does he think he is" the key phrase this morning as we laid in bed wondering what the hell he was thinking. contacting me after everything that happened with a "hi". Tim thinks he is the biggest creep. I agree but i also thought that on some level he had normal in him, i guess i was wrong. but Timmy always knows how to make me feel better. me venting. lots of agreeing and listening. funny banter about what a d bag he is. and funny nonsense to follow. makes for no more cares about stupid d bags. Tim says he is just trying to control the situation with his mind games and that is exactly what he loves to do. be in control of me and how i feel. and fine, he won... i feel crappy. not because of some sort of attachment to him. i feel crappy because the only thing i want from him, ever, is an explanation. and an apology and to understand what he is apologizing for. and i never get it and it drives me insane. he never gives real answers. he never gives explanations to anything. his "hi's" are never just "hi's". they are tiny little grenades that he chucks into my head from a distance and watches them explode. i can't take all these people who hurt me and then think they can come in and out just to see what its like. dip a toe in and "oh too cold, lets try in a few months"... but the ripples effect me. my calm. my sanity. everything was fine. they think they can just casually start a conversation when they know damn straight what it will be like because they made it that way. and if you don't like it, leave. and if you want to be in my life, change. its so easy. basically the same thing is happening in both situations with Brett and with my family. almost. same concept. it was easy to forget about Brett and get him out of my life. And look how much better things are now because of that? if only i could take what i know and what i learned from the Brett situation and apply it to the family situation. i know he will never change and he never thinks he is wrong. i know no friendship could come from that and i know now that i wouldn't want one with a person like him even if i could. its easy to say no to a person who has hurt you repeatedly and doesn't care. but that's my family too. so why should i care about them either? why do i always care when no one else does? i don't go around trying to get back into peoples lives with a hi and then change my mind a second later. you could argue the vannessa thing but i didn't just say hi, we shared lots of emails and eventually i had reasons for not pursuing that further. I know how easy it was for her to end our friendship the first time... so why enter into that again? it would really hurt, it was hard getting over our friendship. all these people are selfish people. who only care about what the outcome means to them. they never actually cared about how i felt. what i need. I think i scared Brett from ever contacting me again, and with hope that's true. because i am sick of dealing with his garbage. its just funny how they always use my reactions to the hurt as reasons to hurt me... don't hurt, and you wont get a reaction. and time doesn't heal all...!!!!! so forget you heard that. yes you can forgive and forget. but i can't forgive and forget 5 years of crap in 2 months. especially when the worst of it came at the end of those 5 years. it just happened. and maybe somehow I'll be able to forgive, but forget what he did and have a nice conversation? when he still doesn't get what he did... never.