i went to bed last night at like 3ish to get up by 7:15 in z am.. I told my cousin to wake me up when she got up and not to forget. and I also got a stupid little alarm clock but i asked her to wake me up just in case. so my aunt comes in and says.. "are you still going?" and I was like what? where? and she said to school and said that it was 8. and it sucked. but then we realized that he scedule said 8:57 so we still had time. she was going to drop off my cousin and then come bacxk and take me. but my cousin took too long and made me miss the train. so we went to my grandma's house. I talked to my mom for a little bit. My grandma ended up taking me to the metro in lancaster. the trip only costed $3.25. sweet. so i was walking from the metro to my school down the street and my friend jayson saw me and picked me up. dropped me off. he's living in burbank now so i probably wont be seeing him for a long whiles. I am at school right now.

I'm gonna be here till friday. and then I'll be back on sunday cuz my mom wants me to go with my grandma to see my aunt mercy and theres this family thing cuz its my uncle joe's bday.. well, what would have been his bda cuz he is in heaven now. so that'll be ok i suppose. but how am I freaking supposed to find a job and such if Im not even there long enough to look. I was gonna get some applications yesterday while me, corina and jauquin were around town but it was raining and theyd have just gotten ruined anyways. it was fun yesterday. tehachapi is so lame but we got dumb and did dumb things. well, first we went to the library... gay library. with 15 minute time restrictions on the internet. GAH! and then we walked to save mart and jauquin pushed me and corina around in a cart. fun times. we filled it with cereal cuz we were hungry.. but didnt get any cuz.. cereal is expensive and we are poorish. that was jauquins idea. I decided itd be fun to play in the playplace at mc donalds. there were all these creepy kids and they kept chasing us around and stealing our shoes. corina doesnt like the swinging tubes part of the playplace. hehe so i trapped her in and went slow, swaying them back and fourth and she freaked out. it was fun. jauquin got stuck in the slide a couple times cuz he's a fat icky boy. we were going to drop off some letters i wrote at the postoffice but it was closed. jauquin wanted to take us somewhere cool.. so we went on the roof of this like indian food restraunt place. and yyou can see all of tehachapi from there... its really sad actually. after that we went to taco bell... the park... and then ruben's house. clarrissa, the aunt, made food and we ate it and it was yummy. yummy biscuits mmm. then we walked to circle k to get pickles to make tuna, but they dont sell pickles at circle k aparently... so we bought ice cream instead. walking back to the house was fun cuz we were walking on the train tracks and a train went by and it was going pretty slow so we grabbed on and road it for a little, that was pretty awersome. or awesome. full of awe.. or just some. anywho, got home and jauquin and manuel watched some weird movie. and me and corina did homework cuz we be smat wittle gwills. I was up all night doing hw. thats why i went to bed at 3... grr.

OH YEAH! so like i said... we live kinda almost next to the train tracks.. so its finally FINALLY going to happen! My DREAM!.. and when it does... I'll have pictures. to be continued....

my aunt suzy got all mad at jauquin cuz she said he was hitting on me... um k. creep. he's got a girly friend and Im not interested. and even if i was.. he's a major druggie... he was smoking weed in the house while i was in it. haha o yeah... speaking of his girly friend... we've got another sal..la la la..ad? salad?... well... he's just gross cuz he is 18 and she is 14... creepyness.

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welll. after school andres picked me up and we talked kinda. he talked. and it was good what he said. i'm just a big baby. i miss him. i was acting really dumb. but i didnt know what else to do. i want to hold his hand and such and i know i cant so i just tried not to look at it or him and such. and i know from experience that this isnt something be taken lightly... like him telling me he doesnt want to be with me right now... and i want to respect that.. because i know how it feels on his end. and he wanted a hug... and i dont know i didnt want to hug him cuz im so emtional right now. and im a stupid girl. and i dont just want a little hug. and we got so close a couple days ago and now its all gone. and it hurts. cuz huggging him just makes me see that thats all it is.. its just a hug. and im not making sense anymore. but i do care about him. i cant believe he actually had to ask. i want to respect him.... i think i will put a little journal entry i wrote last night in here....

hi me...

you are an idiot you stupid jerk. I do the most idiotic things. I have no respect for myself or others. I realized that yesterday. As much as I would like to or think that in some freakish way I do, I really dont. I dont want to be with brett. no matter what i tell him, somehow he seems to always think he'll be with me in the end. ok brett, what we had ***a year ago*** was great... but that was ***a year ago*** people move on ya know? I'm not wrong for wanting to be with someone else... so everyone who thinks that is a jerk for screwing with my head. Every conversation with brett is, to him, just another attempt to being with me again. but he is wrong. a conversation is just a freaking converation. i wanted to be his friend. heck, i still would like it if that happened. but I'm realizing that Im just really quite stupid to even say that. "i want" always about me... what do i really want tho? brett said he knew... but he obviously didnt care or something. he of all people should know better. Its like I pretty much gave him the blueprints to "my perfect relationship" and he forgot to take notes or disregarded it completely, and went in the opposite direction.and for so long i thought i cared. i do. i care about brett, as a person and a friend; but no longer anything else.. ans quite honestly.. never again. cuz i dont want it. i havent. for a while. a long while actually. he's had chance after chance to prove something. heck, anything... and he cant. coming to tehachapi with him was a huge mistake. being in a motel with him was a huger mistake. beign even on the same street as a motel with him is a mistake. gah. all of it. I did NOT want or OK brett to do what he did at andres' house that one night. he did what he did. and at first i didnt want anything to do with him. but then i thought i was overreacting and being dramatic... and on wednesday it wasnt weird. and i was like hey! maybe we can be friends. But i was freaking wrong. especially so freaking soon. it shouldnt have mattered that i was there cuz my scooter broke and needed to be charged and i was there to see sal. and it shouldnt have mattered that i had no clue brettt was there till i got there. I should have walked home or called someone else. i was so anxious to get packed already and just be on my way. thats all i can say about that, cuz theres no excuse. when brett offered i wasnt thinking what anyone would think of me or the situation. at the time i was being completely selfish. well, i did tell brett that i felt bad for accepting a ride, cuz of what happened and then Im accepting favors.