Sometimes I dont write for weeks.. and sometimes i don't want to do anything BUT write.. like a million entries one after the other. I havent been to sleep.

I wrote that yesterday.. and then i like fell asleep or something.. its friday...

Still haven't listened to x2's voicemail. I'm thinking about taking a page out of his playbook and just not listening to it ever. Its already been about a week ish. I'm suprised of myself. I'm usually to curious to wait more than a few hours to listen to or read these sorts of things. But I'm just not interested. And why should I be? And why should I give him the time or the respect of hearing what he has to say when he's never done the same for me. x1 and x2 say I am this and that and everything bad in the universe combined plus AIDS but lets look at the facts... how am i the one "never" open to communication or whatever when the last times I reached out to him he sent back messages saying he deleted without reading. everyone wants to say "its always on your terms" but the words hold no weight.. unless they are being directed at x2 because it has ALWAYS been on his terms.. he is the one who refused to read my messages before when my mother begged me to "work things out" and send him a message... it wasn't until HE was ready. It wasn't until HE called ME and asked me to come to Thanksgiving. And what did we do? We came to Thanksgiving no questions asked. So stubborn right? So why should I care what he has to say. I had never been so immature and just flat out rejected ANYTHING from him yet he felt the need to do it to me? Even after everything he did to me my entire life.. being a huge ASSHOLE/DOUCHEBAG and he has the nerve to do that to me... so yeah... I am thinking of doing the same thing to him. He's an asshole and it sucks when someone does that... why shouldn't i. I guess part of me thinks.. well I'm not a jerk. But the other part is like screw that I still wont be a jerk if I do or at least I shouldnt be considered one because that is all he does to me when its the other way around. Its like he opens his mouth and expects everyone else to close. I have no idea why they want to pretend like i think the word revolves around me... when have i ever thought that? it revolves around him. it always has. he can do no wrong. What? Like he left an apology? That is bullshit. Even if he did his apologies are bullshit.. just thinking about his last apology to me makes me want to punch Choli in the face.. Poor Choli.. she's the closest living thing to me. I didn't... I just want to. right in the face. hee she walked away. Anyways. idk what I am even talking about... oh right.. even if he apologized.. even if he ACTUALLY meant it which is unlikely.. i don't even care. too little to late man. Way way way too little too late. I cant even think about the possibility of letting this guy back in my life. I feel like nothing but shit when I'm around him and then x1 comes around and its a shit sandwich. heh.

My hair looks awesome right now and I lost 2 lbs. Woot. I actually worked out today.. i was sweating. it was gross.

I want to go up to Visalia this weekend. I'd actually like some interaction with other people. Even if they are Tim's friends. Maybe we'll go fishing or something.

Stupid apartment complex people are assholes. Our lease is ending soon and they want to charge us $150 more a month if we do a 10 month, $100 more if we do a 12 and $340 more for month to month... About to leave right now to go look at some other places... but moving again sounds terrible.. unless we find a house with a yard I do not want to move again. It feels like we just got here. Not that we like this place. the train is so loud and the kids here are insane... they literally just scream at the top of their lungs non stop until around 8. And one just bounces a ball... in place... for hours.. right outside out window.