dude. my sleeping pattern is soo twisted. yesterday i spent literally all night downloading music and still barely got anything. well. like 50 songs but i doont really like em. I was mainly looking for a first dance soong. which in my mind has always been "this i promise u" by nsync but i guess maybe it is a little too.. boy band-y? yeah. But its still in the running. so far its either this i promise you, the way i am by ingrid michaelson, cant help falling in love sung by michael buble, or i knew i loved you before i met you by savage garden (inspired by the drawing i made of me and timmy a week before i met him). i would say and wonderwall by oasis but its not really a first dancey song. or even a wedding song. but Im a rebel so its on the list. yeah that was all night that night. i went to bed at 5:30 when timmy was getting up. i went to sleep at 6. hee. which basically means that today i slept till 2! PM! yeah im stupid. i hate sleeping in that late. i woke up and ate, practiced drums, and stared at the dishes until i decided i didnt want to do them. i thought i was going to my mom's so timmy could get a haircut and manuels friend aaron could teach me a song on the drums. cuz apparently the kid can red sheet music but cant read tabs.. what gives?? who can read sheet music and not read tabs? its like knowing how to cook a gourmet meal but not a pb&j. its crazy. but anyways plans fell thru cuz manuel is a flake for the BAJILLIONTH time. he went to some lake and wont be back till late tomorrow. lame. its not like this is the first time he's blown me off without notice either.. its consistent! and its it. im not having him do the thing he wanted to do with me and tim. he has a bad voice anyways. seriously.. all his friends told my mom they dont know what to do because manuel thinks he can carry a note but he cant. and i was willing to look past that but not anymore! but anyways. tim is so weird about his hair. i suggested he cut it and he insisted he didnt. then i said we werent going to my moms anymore and he's like "oh, what about my haircut?" lol. i told him i am not talkingabout his hair anymore. cuz whatever i say he should do, he complains he wants the opposite. so he can just figure it out on his own. personally i think he should just have someone layer it a lil with a razor. if not all around just in the back and sides. it wouldnt even look any different. we saw a picture and agree its hot. anywhoooooo. timmy came home and we played drums and guitar for a little while. and theeeeeeeen we made dinner. it was really good. timmy said it was the best dinner yet. woot. emperors new groove makes me laugh. timmy never saw it so we had to watch it. i spent the rest of tne night hole punching all my wedding info and putting it into a folder. timmy fell asleep in the computer room on the chair but somehow ended up on the floor. he's so weird. if ur gonna move why not take a few extra steps and lay on the bed? i hate sleeping on carpet.. u get carpet face for like 10minutes. whoever said beauty is pain wasnt joking. my breasts hurt. a lot. we went to bed at like 3. and we kinda talked a little. i told timmy how im having a hard time finding a wedding location and asked if he just wanted to do what we initially planned in san fransisco. he said it would be a lot easier. and cheaper. so. i think we're going to do that. but. i dunno. i mentioned how they have an officiant who marries you, you dont get to pick ur own. its some woman. and he was like whats wrong with that? and i said idk she's a woman. and i dont know her. and he said "well i dont know pastor damion" and it kinda made me sad. cuz. we're getting married. and he still doesnt understand what certain things mean to me. maybe he does. but. i dunno. i wish i was more together. i wish money was no object when it came to this. i wouldnt go ove the top but id want it to be memerable and unique and fun and nice. and timmy said that i should make the decision about san fransisco or not. but i dont think so cuz im not going to be able to contribute very much to anything. i dont think its very fair if i just picked. its his day too. hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. i wish i had a job right now. it might take away a lot of the stress. maybe i shouldnt even be planning. maybe we should jjust hold off or go to a court house and do it real fast and a wedding later.er. or something. maybe. ha i dunno why i thought of this but my mom was helping me with my guest list a couple days ago and she asked who my brides maids were and i told her "the girls" my cousins. and she was like "no jenae?" and it totally threw me off. and then right when she said that. i realized she still has a picture of me and jenae all huggy pinned on the wall. and im thinking.. does she not know? ive told her about a billion times how we dont talk anymore. not for like years. and years. and years some more. she doesnt really hear me very much so really i shouldnt be suprised. but yeah i was like.. no. and she was like "well i think u should call her " and blah blah blah and all this nonsense and how i should go to michaels and see her and i was like.. ur retarded. the girl is just another vannessa. i wasnt worth it. get over it. i did. she did. everyone did. altho i am short on bridesmaids. since apparently renne and erycka cant come back in september. psh. its my weddding. they cant skip one day of school?? ridiculous. but anyways. i just thought it wzs quite hilarious. especially since i tried the whole reconnecting thing. my mom is on crack or something. speaking of my mom being a psycho.. she really IS a psycho. her friend christi won tickets to a bridal expo at the hyatt and she was gonna let me have them. well she called my mom a coupld days ago and said "i won tickets for U" but then she talked to me online like yesterday and said "i won tickets for U" and so Imlike. cool. theres 4 so i was thinking i could take 3 of my cousins. not corina cuz she has all this cheerleading crap. ew. andyeah but then today i get this message from my mom saying "ur taking me" and blah blah ablh. and its like. geez. dont even ask? she just expects to be invited. and yeah i was thinking about inviting her before i heard the message cuz i realized my cousins might not be around but she shouldnt just assume. beh anyways. she got all stupid and hung up on me. she was saying that the tickets werent even mine their hers and christi is her friend and she gave them to her and yawn and its like uhm shes not even getting married. at least not anytime soon. or at all. tomrrow im just going to give them to her tho, and say she can take her friends. but they are all going to look stupid going to a bridal expo and not even being in a relationship. she was like "if it was me and i won the tickets and my best friends daughter was getting married, i'd give them to my best friend" but that doesnt even make sense. u'd give them to the daughter and she did. my moms retarded. anyways. after me and timmy talked. itried to sleep but my stomach hurts and i couldnt so i thought i'd exhaust myself with a HUGE sitD entry. mission accomplished. im poooped. its almost 5. omg it is 5. geezz. okay well. goodnight world. i found an old old old letter timmy wrote me. it was when we were first dating. right after an awkward night cuz i asked him to go home early cuz me and my mom were fighting. he said he had the 'urge to write me a letter' and that 'his feelings for me are soo strong' and that 'no matter what [what being my mom] my main focus is you, and us, and what i can do to make you happy'. along with a lot of other stuff. but i forgot he wrote that. it was signifigant mainly because i was soo embarrased that night. and i felt stupid asking him to leave. i thought he was thinking i was crazy and that our fight scared him out of dating me. and then he wrote that letter. sometimes i dont think i give timmy enough credit. btw. did i mention my timmy smells absolutely lovely? allll the time? Im constantly spraying myself with smell good just too keep a balance... and he still smells better than me! i just think its rather sexy when a guy smells wonderful all the time.. and doesnt even try. maybe im just bias. but I'm not. omg im tired! shouldnt have any trouble sleeping now.