today is stupid. i knew it was over. but i couldnt do it. i love timmy so much. i love him so much i was about to give up everything i believe in just so i can sleep soundly and we could go on like we were without a problem. i love him so much. i hated the situation but i dont know.. i mean. i've broken up with someone before. 2 people actually. and its awful. and i hated it. but. i dont know what it is about tim.. i just couldnt. but i know that we want different things. and we cant give each other what we want. tim isnt willing to change for me.. and i dont even know or think he knows what the heck he wants. and tonight.. we were talking. and he finally said what I've been waiting to hear. after i talked a little, he said that well basically that he didnt want me to give up on what i've wanted my whole life. and that he was sorry for wasting my time. i mean. i knew he would say it eventually. so i guess i should have prepared or maybe i thought i had but at that moment i just didnt know what to do or say or anything. i was speechless and i dont know. i didnt expect it. even tho i knew.. ahh i cant explain it. i just.. it was probably the worst feeling i've ever experienced. I guess i hoped for a different response. well obviously. i dont know what i was thinking.. how dumb right? like he's just going to be like, "omg your completely right! ya know what? lets get married!" heh. ahh. i cant take it. i really think i could have made him happy. i know things were crummy but. the situation was wrong. in the right situation.. whatever. it doesnt matter. you know what tears me up tho? its just overwhelming. thinking about how.. he isnt mine. im not his anymore. and soon. the whole broken-hearted feeling will fade and he'll move on. and find someone else. and they'll fall in love. more in love than he was with me. and he'll just want her soo bad that he cant wait. he needs her. and they get married. and just my luck.. i'll run into them in a store. and i'll try to hide but too late.. he'll say hi and she'll introduce herself. and I'll see her big stupid ring and she'll be beautiful. and tall. and have big boobs. and long blonde hair. and something else cool. and i'll catch him look at her... and i'll see that what they have means so much more to him than what we had. and thats when i'd probably run head first into a wall. i love him. i wish he knew how deep my love for him is. but i guess things are better like this. better than letting things just happen and be disappointed in 3 years when he still hasnt asked and we still want different things. im still not good enough. i wonder if he''ll change his myspace staus right away. or tell his friends or family. u know. i should have seen it coming a long time ago. he didnt even take me to colorado with him. that was the biggest red flag ever. every guy wants his family to meet the girl.. like THE girl. the one. but no. he didnt take me. hint? could he have made it more obvious? i am a retard. a stupid retard. seriously what the heck is wrong with me? kind of gay i know. but. i feel like im getting a divorce. i mean we lived together. we ate together. we napped together. watched movies. played games. went out. vacationed. i did his laundry and his dishes. he bought me groceries. i cooked him dinner. we shared a lot.. i know him and he knows me. his quirks and habbits. sayings and gestures. faces. tears. smell. touch. everything. we slept in the same bed for nearly a year. he held me close every night for 9 months. every night. (well maybe subtract a week or 2) but 9 months is a long time. and i got soo used to that that its hard not to sleep with him in that stupid bed. and now, im here. and im not just here a few days. i mean i dont even know if im going to see him again. or talk to him. a scary thought. i dont know what im going to do tonight. oi. he wakes me up to say goodbye and kiss me every morning. every morning. not tomorrow. or after that. maybe never. maybe.. im so dumb. its not maybe. its never. ever. i really miss him right now.