be liberatedddd??? On this sad side city streets Well the birds have been freed from their cages I got freedom and my youth My name is Brody I'm from Melbourne Fitzroy Melbourne Fitzroy Melbourne I grew up on Bell St. then on Bennett St. My mom kicked out my dad for battery Found a way, found a way, she found a way out of spiritual penury Working single mother in an urban struggle Blames herself now cause I grew up troubled It hit me I got everything I need. It hit me I got everything I need. My one heart felt too much from the start I've seen people come and go Living large and living low You can build up your walls sitting on death row Let the curtain fall on your murdered soul You can wash it all down swallow your story Get smacked off your head go down in drumroll glory You won't solve it committing self inflicted crime Go on pull the trigger this will be the last time It hit me I got everything I need. It hit me I got everything I need. I speak of the truth the truth of the heart Like a desperate thirst in a raging drought Hey youth time flies by There's an everlasting battle for eternal life I love a man from California He's the prettiest thing we got the same disorder The way you feel is OK its never gonna change anyway It hit me I got everyone I need. It hit me I got everyone I need. Are you ready to be liberated??? On this sad side city streets Well the birds have been freed from their cages I got freedom and my youth Yeah, I got freedom and my youth ------------------------------------ O geez. Well. today the agenda was to go hiking. check. take a nap. check for tim. and thennnn start bringing stuff to the mothers house.. no check. uhg. its just soo frustrating. LIFE. it really is. The start of the day was nice. went hiking at placerita. the waterfall trial. 2.9 mi so almost 6 althoghter. it was kinda exhausting, im so out of shape. my bunnies are burning! and I dont mean jefri! But next time we're bringing tissumoo's and bug repelant for true. cuz o man those bugs are beastly. here's some pics... those leaves were everywhere it was pretty cool. that water was pretty gross. never get it! timmy.. he just cant help that he's ridiculously good looking. and he has many leather bound books! lol or something. o man. no make up is kinda gangsta... or something. hah ew. its log. log. its better than bad its good. we look tired cuz its the end. anywhoooo.. so then we get home. attempt a nap. i couldnt. so tired. too tired. then at like 7 I called the mother. i didnt get off the phone until 10! omg it was ridiculous. i wanted to chop off my head and throw it down a mountain. She's been wanting this. and yet.. it has to be so incredibly difficult. why is it that people beg and beg and beg for something.. and once you FINALLY realize they are right... they make it soOOOO incredibly difficult it makes you wonder if you even want it at all.. or if its even worth it. I mean its not just about me. I was thinking about them too. They need me. My mother doesnt cook even when she has the capabilities and jason and manuel hate that they have to make their own food.. uhm i wanted to make dinnerf or them. my mom needs help at work and stuff and a lot could be done from home.. uhm hi, i could do it. bunny crap.. sure. chores, why not? i have nothing better to do you know? it wasnt all about me. And she wants me to apologize to jason about the cambria thing. and i think thats crazy to even ask me. because ok. I say ONE bad thing to her after she says things to DESERVE it. and i get all this crap for it from the mother. but where was the mother when jason was calling sean gay? and andres well who cares.. and threatening to smash bretts face in the drive way?? i mean those were pretty sstupid things to say and he didnt get crap for it. and IIIII have to apologize? what did they do to deserve that?? not that they dont.. but its disrespectful to me. and he didnt know them and it was just out of nowhere and stupid and way worse than anything ive ever done to cambria. geez. i was sooo nice to her. i know how awkward it is to meet a persons siblings and i tried to make it less awkward for her. and she just acts like a jerk. at least i had reason to say what i said. what reasons does jason ever have? about anything really? gosh. and i asked the mother if she was even going to jason telling him to be the bigger person, and she said no. its like she cant ever disagree with him. im so terrified to move back in. tim thinks im crazy. he sees how she is. i mean before it was just jason and her teaming up against me all the time.. now manuel is there too. last time i was at home someone stole $20 off jasons stairs and after everyone said they didnt do it... they all just decided to blme me for it. When have i EVER stolen anything?? now my mother knows manuel is a big fat liar and he stole it but the fact that she believed a nephew she barely knew over her own daughter who just doesnt lie about that sort of thing.. is ridiculous. im afraid it will be like that again. attack after attack. no privacy and no space. no sanity. And then she did the THING. where the conversation is just nonsense and anger and fightyness and then all of a sudden like completely out of nowhere.. she's calm and she says "so how are you going to do this?" and im like "wait.. do what?" and she's like "move in your stuff" and im like "are you serious??" at that point i was soo stressed out i didnt even want to THINK about moving back in. omg and then she's like "why?" lol. omg i wanted to punch myself in the face. uhg. brings back so many stupid memories. so somehow the conversation ended. the conclusion being, im calling her tomorrow and i guess im still moving in. really i have no clue whats going on. i got off the phone and i just started bawling (if thats how u spell it). and i vent to tim for a few minutes and for some reason.. it just always gets back to pasty past stuff. i just hate it. i was saying how she makes it so difficult and how my life wasnt awful if you compare it to everyone in the world or in the US or in CA.. or even in the city. but you base your life around who your surrounded by and it was always so much harder. and especially in my house. it was always 10 times harder than jasons. they just call me selfish all the time but THEY are selfish.. they have been. Even after I was molested they didnt care about me. it was always SOOOO hard for jason because it was HIS best friend. and it was always soooo hard for my mom cuz it happened to HER daughter. but what about the kid who got molested people?? you forget??? And they call ME selfish. They wonder why it took me so long to say something about it. I was afraid of the exact reaction i got.. uhm. nothing. lol I am 20 almost 21 years old. and he still effects me. I HATE HIM. so i had a melt down. timmy held me. then we went to eat food. way too late. you know when u have to sneeze and you make even the slightest movement and you cant control it and you have to.. well. i have that feeling only replace sneezing with crying. i know its stupid. i just feel the urge sometimes. random times. especially after getting off the phone. 3 hours is a long time to talk about that stuff. and we were so worked up i dont think either of us knew it. as much as she thinks otherwise.. i really really DO wish our rrelationship was better. closer. healthy. I just dont see it happening. WE've tried sooo many times. It can improve. but its never going to be what we both wish it was. i think its sad. but thats just how it is. on a completely different subject.. i love my cousin alisha. she's small and young but she's just swell man. I think she's really smart and she's got a good head on her shoulders. she wont make a lot of stupid mistakes the other women in our family made. i mean hopefully. but even if she does, im gonna be there for her. well i will for all my cousins. but i really see good things for her. hmm. well. i feel icky. -------------------------------------- how does time just run away at night? i was going to go in the room and watch tv until i fall asleep. but i got caught up in sitd and music and stretches. i think he likes it better when i watch tv in there than when im in here.. as long as i dont wake him up by laughing. but that kathy griffin man. she's a hoot. when she's not making fun of God and stuff that is. :/ ok i lost 5lbs last week. and im 115. so new goal. 5 more lbs by next week. and so on. i wnna be 97lbs. i know its kinda pushing it. but i am so short so its not even that extreme. my mom was 98lbs (so she claims) after or just before she had jason. so. i should be able to be that much for sure. and im an inch shorter hence the extra inch to lose. hm hm hm. you ever ask God to just give you a sign? or not a sign but just some sort of indication that you arent completely insane for talking to him? just anything to show that yes, he does infact love me. not that i ever doubt that like seriously or anythinggg. but it would be niice once in a while. just to be reminded. i guess life is a reminder. but gosh. BORED?! GO wash Your Face!! ha.