I'll never understand depression or at least the way my body always tries to handle it. Its like my true self is so joyful and just plain happy but I'm prone to depression so its like a constant tug of war. back and forth. sometimes i feel like I'm bipolar. But I've known people with it and I dont think so. Also heard aspergers can present as lots of things including bipolar so that makes sense. our cheery natural disposition and magnetic pull towards depression can come off that way sometimes but i dont feel its as rapid, I'm not manic, and i dont feel that the rage is as irrational. others may disagree during certain times of the month if you know what i mean.

My face is constantly puffy lately. i always see these ladies with sunken eyes and sort of poofy, droopy bags that puff against the tops of their cheeks forming a crease and i wonder how it got that way.. tiredness? a night of sleep wouldnt help some of tese women. its not those kind of bags. it looks like years of crying and hopelessness. not just women. maybe i just notice it more in women because lately i've been looking more at faces and noticing that women arent all as perfect as iusually think they are. a while ago i noticed i never look closely at anyones face. lately i started seeing who wears makeup and who doesnt.. where before it was all a blur. people i consder naturally beautiful because my eye glaze over them and then i see the powdery matteness against their skin and wonder whats underneath. theyre still beautiful but now i see them as humans with flaws like me instead of 'women' and I'm just a 'thing'.

I'm going to be 30 in like 5 months. i dont know what to think about it. I have a list of things i wanted done and accomplished by 30. and i dont think any are even close. 3 kids by 30 was one. lol what a joke. first of all now i dont want 3 kids. id be happy with 1 or 2. but even 1 by 30.. not happening. I mean its possible but not likely or smart right now. Not the time. Never is or seems to be.

So much happened in the last month. In the last 3, 6, year, 2 years. its like i think things are crazy but settling down and then they get together and have little crazy babies. But this last 2 weeks has definitely been the most crazy

I wouldnt even know where to start.

I have so much to say but if I start I'll write about things for hours instead of getting things done. I want to have something worth writing about someday...