"Tears And Rain" How I wish I could surrender my soul; Shed the clothes that become my skin; See the liar that burns within my needing. How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold. How I wish I had screamed out loud, Instead I've found no meaning. I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain, All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble. Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray. I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble. It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain. How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind; Hold memory close at hand, Help me understand the years. How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell. How I wish I would save my soul. I'm so cold from fear. I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain, All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble. Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray. I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble. Far, far away; find comfort in pain. All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble. It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain. Tears and Rain. Tears and Rain. Far, far away; find comfort in pain, All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble. It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain. _____________________________________________________ name someone who made you smile today? bob. now i have wireless internet connectionness what were you doing at 8:00 this morning? sleeping well.. being woken up by barking dogs. uhg. what were you doing 30 minutes ago? watching bob set up my wireless what did you do last night? a bunch of nothing. what is your moms moms name? martha :) three words to explain why you last threw up? stress. stress. and stress. what color is your hairbrush? blue. what was the last thing you bought? uh i think conditioner where do you keep your money? in the bank. on a card. what was the weather like today? coldish where did your last hug take place? in the kitchen. the mother cuz i was feeling crappy. what are you excited about? things i shouldnt be excited about.. if that counts as an answer. closest thing to you thats green? my ipod last person you spoke to? bob and his kid christopher. just left. are you very random? yeah but its becoming a predictable quality and thats not random at all... do you want to get your hair cut? i want to but i probably wont. are you over the age of 25? no. do you talk a lot? when someone wants to listen :] do you watch the oc? used to but then it turned gay. does your screen name have an "x" in it? no. its got poo in it. do you know anyone named kelsey? no. do you make up your own words? yeah probably once a day.... are you ticklish? too much. are you a jealous person? depends on the person.. whos the last person to call you? hmm. bob? do you chew on your straws? used to. do you have curly hair? wavey what is the next concert youre going to? meh. where did you go today? nowhere but when manuel gets home we're going to look for a job. he needs one too. do you have to work tomorrow? no i dont have a job. who was the last person you said "i love you" to? God last night. does that count? what should you be doing right now? nothing. i have to wait for manuel. do you have a nickname? idk sure. are you a heavy sleeper? depends what are you listening to? someones lawn mowing is there anyone you like right now? like? no. not right now anyways. when was the last time you did the dishes? a week or so ago. did you cry today? no and I dont plan on it :/ do you like chinese food? yummy how big is your bed? twin... sucks. is your room clean? no. laptop or desktop computer? desktop favorite comedian? dane cook. kathy griffin. lol shes so stupid. do you take drugs? never. does anyone like you? i dont think so. no. sleep with or without clothes on? depends on the whether and if my door is locked who sleeps with you every night? no one anymore.. do long distance relationships work? i dont know. been in them and i guess from experience i'd say no. but maybe it wasnt the distance. so maybe they could. if you want it bad enough. how many times have you been pulled over by the police? 3 heh. but only once for speeding. pancakes or french toast? french toast do you like coffee? ew. last person on your missed call list? pdk. which reminds me.. i should probably call him back. number of pillows? 2 last thing you ate? dinner last night. what are you hearing right now? i told u already. nevermind hey stopped. so nothing really. can you play pool? like no other. ha jk. but i like it. do you know how to swim? mhmm favorite ice cream? rainbow sherbert. do you like maps? no. i'd rather just get lost forever. tell me a random fact? "altoids" originall prepared by Callard & Bowser" ever attend a theme party? kinda. ever do a keg stand? ew. craziest place you slept after a night of drinking? no where. i dont drink like that or at all. what is your favorite season? fall i suppose what is the first music video you ever saw? uhm. how the heck should i know.. what is your favorite place to hangout? i guess this is it right now. best friends name? well its been tim for 2 years now.. i guess it still is. how long have you known them? 2 years and 1 month what time did you wake up this morning? 11 but i went to be at 4.. wake up next to anyone? beh. best thing about winter? blankets name a couple of favorite colors? baby blue. lime green. hot pinkk what month is your birthday in? this one. what are you doing this weekend? idk. hopefully i will get a life. looking forward to that. bbl as alwasys. _____________________________________________________ I'm getting kinda weirded out by my birthday. its in 11 days. No plans. NOthing at all. it was supposed to be the best one. "golden" birthday. Ive been making such a fuss about it. and yet.. it wont even happen. i guess theres not gonna be party or anything so donivan wont have to choose between me and liz's. Cuz her bday is the same as me.. and she's turning 16. so. thats pretty important too. hopefully her golden birthday turns out a little better. i have a few birthday wishes. Im hopeful. But. I dont think I should be. I just wish my bday happened already or came a few months from now. Its just such a bad time right now. or is it? maybe its a good thing. Being alone on your most important bday kinda sucks but i guess it happens. and i guess everyone needs a kick in the pants once in a while. make them realize theyre head isnt on straight. and some things arent the most important things in the world. like feeling loved. its a privilege. Im lucky to have had it at all. some people never do so i dont know why im being such a poop about it. I lost 1 1/2 inches off my waist :) and 1 off my hippies. which is good cuz i actually like my hipsters as is. anywho. manuel should be home soon so im gonna go get ready. _____________________________________________________ like this entry couldnt get any longer.. guess what? it just did. Tragic Flaw Essay "The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person it was who said that. Probably shakespeare or maybe sting, but at the moment its the sentence that best describes my tragic flaw; my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize its kind of everyones flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible. Standing perfectly still. It feels better somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected who knows what other pain may be waiting out there. Chances are it could be even worse. So you maintain the status quote. Choose the road already traveled. And it doesnt seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. Youre not a drug addict, your not killing anyone. Except maybe yourself a little. When we finally do change, I dont think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of ting most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked really really close. Which, thank God they never do. But you notice it. Inside you, that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope that it is. That this is the person you get to be forever. That you'll never have to change again." --ephriam brown [everwood]