I don't know what to do.

I'm so overwhelmed.

I always feel like I am being walked all over by people and they always seem to have an excuse.

I feel like I try. and try and try and try. and when its not enough... i confront. and THEN the confrontation is directed at me like I am the problem.. i can't take it. i freak out. and then they use that freak out to condone their actions. and it happens so many times. but when i don't confront, then i get taken advantage of. so what am i supposed to do? i need a new way of dealing with these things but no one will hear me.

take for example... the biggest example... the mother. i thought, well i knew it wouldn't be over night and our relationship would just magically turn into something tolerable.... but i thought it would be different. better. with all her talk about how much she's changed and been working on things... but its funny how the only things out of her mouth are how i should be working on me.

I'm really stressed out right now because... i am trying to be the bigger person. i knew i was opening a can of worms when i decided to not just invite but involve my mother in my wedding. but i had no idea... a bride to be is already overly stressed out.. but no one stresses me out more than my mother. and both along with other typical stresses... its taking a toll on not just my relationship with Timmy, but my health.

I think things would be a lot better if she just for once, was a mom to me.. and was nurturing. i know my "love language" used to be gifts. my mom used to tell me that all the time. and i always felt selfish for it, but it was true. i felt loved when i got gifts. not an attractive quality but it wasn't because i was greedy, it really was the thought that counts. anyways, i think it changed tho. I think now, my "love language" is more like... being understood. nothing else makes me feel more loved then when someone takes the time to really understand me. only Timmy has ever been able to do that for me. he's not perfect, and you can never really get everything a person feels.. but he tries harder than anyone I've known and he doesn't feel attacked when i am upset, he knows i just need to vent. he hears the problem... and he doesn't try to fix it.. he just listens AND hears me.

today we got in a fight, yet again. yesterday we did too and it was a lot bigger. but today pissed me off more than yesterday because... the fight the other day was in her house. and yes, i really freaked out... it was a huge fight and i couldn't take it and i just wanted to leave and she was yelling and i screamed at her. i was mostly upset that she was making me feel like that. and she freaked out because of how i was reacting to her. but today at in-n-out AND at the church offices, in public places... she was making scenes left and right. and i was the calm one. because theres a time and a place for the obnoxious outbursts. and she never even had a good reason. I'm not going to knock an outburst as i have had many, like i mentioned already... sometimes you just need to let out the tension... scream.. but in a reasonable place. with yourself or that person... not with a group of people or strangers. and if i try to tell her to calm down, she flips out more... or she says something ridiculous like "oh your so mature now?" and it makes me want to stab myself in the face because the answer is YES. compared to her nonsense at that point, yes. i am the mature one in the situation.

the whole in-n-out thing happened for absolutely NO other reason but the fact that she can't shut her face long enough to HEAR me. to listen. all i wanted was someone to talk to. i don't know why i NEVER learn. the fight the other day was about how i can't trust her and today was just proving my point.. i was upset. not with her. with my grandmother. we were talking about dresses and how grandma said sheee wanted amelia to be a bridesmaid too. well first of all, we already decided she would be... but even if she wasn't... and i said no... i just think its hilarious that she can have an opinion about it. what? if i say, amelia can't be a bridesmaid, she wont come? like last year when i said my mom couldn't come, so my grandma said she wouldn't. manipulative and controlling. thats all this family is. and people just get away with it. so it just upset me that she had an opinion, i mean i just thought it was funny and i mentioned it.. and that made my mom mad. its funny how it upsets people in my family when u disagree with them or someone they like or something. then i mentioned that i was still upset with her for what she said to me. and my mom flipped out again making it inpossible to get a word in, saying things like "OMG we are not having this conversation again" and "not here, we're not talking here"... sort of thing and i was TRYING to just have a conversation about it. she thought i was trying to get her to "fix " it or something. and i again, tried to say that i didn't want her to, i was just talking. because it upset me. and I've sat in the car or at lunch listening to her ramble on about how upset she was about aunt Suzy. i didn't say "no aunt Suzy was right to hit u" or "your lying" or "well it takes 2" something stupid. i just listened. and every time we have had a fight lately, aunt Suzy ALWAYS comes up! and i am freaking sick of it. anyways, and then she kept saying, through out the conversation... like defending how she forgot that i was upset ... and i kept telling her i wasn't upset over that. i don't care that she forgot.. i care that i tried to have a conversation and she shut me up. why doesn't anyone listen these days?

its not just these fights driving me crazy. its that i can't say ANYTHING without her reacting in a very unpredictable way. Like last week, i was very careful about what i said about the cake topper. i wanted the birds we saw in a magazine. she said she could make them JUST LIKE the picture. she said that they would be BETTER. they looked nothing like the magazine. the "idea" was there but they were sooo... foofy.. the ones in the magazine were vintage-y.. i tried to explain but it didn't work. but i did explain that i liked them but they weren't what i wanted and to please not be so over confident in things she isn't sure she can do. only in a better way. i can't remember my exact words. and she got it, and everything was fine. but everything after that, its just a freak out. if i don't like something.. its "OH i am a horrible mother.. I'm stupid right? I'm a bitch??" and I'm like... i didn't even say that... I have a vision and an opinion and so far.. nothing is how i wanted it... and i could be freaking out right now... and i am on the inside.. but i feel like i have to walk on eggshells now.. because if i say i don't like one more thing.. she'll explode and little beetles will crawl out of her body. seriously.

its so annoying tho. at lunch, after the hundredth time of her saying the whole shpeel about not remembering i was upset, i got close to her and looked her in the eyes so i knew she heard me, and said something like "..NOOOOO... that's not why i am mad.. i am mad because you are not listening... i don't care that you did not remember.. i said that like 100 times.. can you just listen to me?.." and she got all emotional and went into victim mode and said that i made her feel like an idiot.... ? if anyone wants to play that card, it'd be me thanks. but no, she played it. and it was ridiculous. i just got what i said into her head. instead of bouncing off her forehead and into my mouth to repeat myself. if i hadn't looked her in the eyes and said it loud and clear, she would have just kept going. and that's condescending. she is nothing BUT condescending, controlling, manipulative, patronizing, negative... and everyone just has to take it. and be told that they are those things.. its just ironic really. that's like the devil calling mosses "evil". awkward. the geek squad calling the dolphins "nerdy". etc.

if anyone has felt stupid by someone in this relationship, in this family... its me. has she forgotten all her notorious "family meetings"... yes very lovely, homey really... they consist of me her and Jason... and a bunch of accusations. directed at me. fun. and humiliating. especially when they add an extra member tho those meetings, and he's a pathological pot head and yet i am pinned for stealing their money because i filled up my tank of gas that week with the last $20 i had in my bank account. who felt stupid then? how has condesended me and my emotions and feelings and thoughts... oh i dunno.. my whole life? her. she isn't the victim and no one is buying it.

ever since i got married she's got nothing to control.. and so she's chosen that route. and i don't know which one i hate more. now that she can't control me, she gets angry when i mention tim. like "tim agrees"... she gets so offended. he's my husband.. sorry that he's been here also and has his own opinions now. i don't need to paint a picture of her to him, she's done that herself and he has known what she's like for a long time. at least my source of support is from my husband.. who is pretty much half of me. and when i do say something like that, she turns around with something like "well Alisha and Corina said this and that and blah" or she says they agree with her too... yes. very mature. I'm glad she's seeking out the oh so wise advise from... 14 and 15 year olds. nice.

she's right tho. nothing she does is ever right. maybe it never will be. because either she really did mess up or its just too late. until she can sit down and make time to HEAR me, things will never change. i will always feel like my feelings are belittled by her and she will always feel like i don't trust her because of it.

I was watching the hills today. idk why, nothing ever happens but then again, a lot does. so the whole Audrina and lo thing has everyone on sides.. so its audrina and justin bobby against everyone else. and justin bobby is listening to Audrina and finally says... if people are going to give her an ulcer like feeling in these situations... get rid of them. they don't need to be a part of your life. the only reason its happening is because they don't try. but i can't now right? i can't cut her off because then i wont have this wedding. its a package deal now. but i don't care. if something doesn't change, and fast... i don't care how stupid everyone looks, i wont go through this for another month and a half. i can't. i'm supposed to be looking for ways to relax during this time.. and honestly, she wants to know why i'm not so motivated to run around town all day with her, stuck in her car until we're done... this is why.

oh and to top off a lovely day, i got a speeding ticket and missed my doctors appointment...