| so ducks and rabbits... hmmm? yeah. hmm is right. I have sooooo many thoughts in my head that its hard to know where to start. But I guess I will start by saying vannessa is right, I am soooooo happy with brett. Right now. And i the moment I love being with brett. He is so good for me right now, he is exactly what I need right now... but after right now... he isn't. He isn't in my future and its killing me because I know eventually I am going to hurt him. And I promised him I wouldn't but why would I do that? Why would I make a promise I couldn't possibly be sure of? I mean at the time I was all emotion, thinking I would be with him forever because I am a stupid girl... but realistically its not gonna happen, and its been made very clear.. more and more. Its like God is trying everything he can to get me to listen and I keep ignoring, but I cant help it. I wont stop something good unless I KNOW that that is what god wants. I know something better is out there if thisisnt it. I know god just wants the best for me. And I know this is the heart break I was talking about. When steven and daniel and all that nonsense happened I said god is just preparing me for something bigger, a bigger heart break yet to come, and here it is. I just dont want to. I dont want to lose brett. And I know if I end this, I might end everything. I cant just let him leave my life completely. But what are the chances he will understand and not hate me? not resent me? I dont even understand and I hate myself everytime I think of doing this to him. But yeah... I dont know what to do... I mean we want different things.. he wants one kid, I wat 3 or 4... thats a big issue... not that that kinda stuff matters right now but eventually. And he always says things like when we get married or something, and he is joking but he's not.. i dunno... i dunno. And I would love it if could be with brett forever, but its not going to happen. He is such an awesome guy. I am lucky that god put him in my life and blessed me so much by letting me get to know him and be with him and hold him. But its not what he wants for me and I kow it. I just wish he could tell brett and brett would like i dont know, break up with me and I get the heart break and humiliation. better me than him. vannessa understands that. I dont want to hurt him, i know I can get over it. I was ready for this. But he isn't. I will die the day we break up, but by gods grace I will be born again and everything will be ok. I just think about the day he realizes Im not the one and decides to tell me.. and I get chills and throat lumps and I want to cry because I know itd be devistating to both of us, because I am so almost inlove with him. But i cant be. And that breaks my heart too. I don't know. I dont even know if this ryan guy is the guy, but thats what I heard. A long time ago when I was 8 I got babtized and I loved god so much, I would pray and ask him to speak t me but I guess I didn't listen hard enough cuz I never heard him. But one day when I was about 9 or 10 or maybe even older I heard him say he loves me. And I have never heard him since, well indirectly, and stuff but not like that... until the family meeting when I heard him say "that man of god right there is who you are going to marry. theman you are meant to eventually be with" those arent the exact words but close. And I cant explain it, but it was the same thing. All my life those were the 2 things god has said to me.. so Im sorry if I dont take them lightly and you think I am being too dramatic or reading too much into something but why would God tell me that if it wasnt true? WHy would all these little signs say its true? why would brett not go that nite? why would I be there at all? why did he go to route 66? and stand by the table? and look at me? And have small pinkies? and why? rabbits and ducks... gah. No.. no. I am reading too much into things. I cant do this. I am going crazy.
My mom doesntlike brett. She says he isnt good enough for me. She wants better and whatever. Why isn't he good enough? who am i? I am nothing. He is trying. He is starting to get things together. Its going to work out and he will prove to her he is good enough for me. She says we have nothing to offer eachother. he has given me soo much happiness. I cant even explain. he is a complete blessing. Although, I do miss my purity. I wish I was wiser in that. but thats another story... Yeah she wants hi to go back to chico and live with his gparents, which would actually be good for him but I told him to and he doesnt want to do that. But maybe its the way i told him, maybe I should psh it more. He needs to go to college or he will be working crap jobs forever, and he is better than that. I know he could do it if I let him go. And my mom said that if he goes back to chico she knows I will find the one I am supposed to be with... and its not him. She wants it to be ryan. Why does she hate me? Ok what if it is ryan? Ok.. but right now... I am with brett and thats all I want.. is brett. nothing will happen with ryan anyways for at least 6 months, gah do I har myself? I am sick. I am acting like i can just go from guy to guy, well thats what it sounds like, its not what I am thinking at all. I just dont want to stop anything with brett but I think as soon as we're done, something will happen with ryan... or something. I am an idiot. And on top of that, vannessa says that white clay likes me... why now? i hate boys. I really liked him too. Why couldn't he have liked me 3 months ago? damnit it jonathan. Anyways... I think I scared ryan on wednesday so maybe everything I just said was true butisnt anymore. and maybe I changed everything and he will be with cheryl lyn and I will be with brett, or something.. hmm. anyways gnite I am tired. Read 1 comments you can't change what is...to be...maybe it was a misreading, or maybe it wasn't, you don't know, just give it time to find out, trust me... [goof] |
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ducking donkeys, dodging rabbits!by ilickdoorknobsListening to: justin timberlake- that sad song... t made me cry
Feeling: alone