That entry I wrote wasn't meant to point a finger.. just to get some stuff off my chest.

The other entry I wrote that said your free to leave me... it was just a song.. but I did capitalize the PLEASE BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY I LOVE YOU.. because yeah I was thinking of brett when I wrote that. But he's never decieved me. And I never said that our relationship wouldnt work out or that I didnt want it to. The last thing I want is to loose brett... I wrote that quote "a force darker than jaelousy and stronger than love" because I feel like its out of my hands now. I dont know what will happen. It isnt up to me anymore and I dont want it to be. Im tried of making the wrong decisions and i feel something in myself laughing at me when I say this but I'm not going to anymore. I put this in God's hands. He knows what is best for both me and brett. Whether that means we can be together or if he has something better planned. I never said I didnt want it to work. I never said I wasnt going to be his friend in a few months or whatever.. I want to be in his life no matter what. As a friend or more than that. But at least a friend. Always.

This other "thing" that brett doesnt know about isnt what it seems. And what he thinks it is is wrong. Way wrong. Its not about him... well he would be effected. But its not about him. Its about me. And my future. And thats all Im saying because I cant say anything until I know for sure. My mom told me not to and I already told a few too many people. I havent even told my brother. Its not a big deal, but it is. confusing. I didnt say I didnt want to be with him because I do. So much. but with this other "thing" if it is true... then I wont be with him. And I dont want him to get hurt by me more than he already has. Thats all. I have no clue whats going to happen. I know he will be in my life if he still wants to. Cuz thats what I want. The only way I wouldnt is if he decided he didnt want to.

He thinks that it was his fault. he thinks he got us into those situations. He said he accepts all the responisbility. But thats not fair. It wasnt all his fault. I feel like its all my fault. I know it was both of our fault. Last night I asked the same questions he is asking himself... I talked to God and told him how sorry I was over and over. Crying and hating myself... I read my bible and I feel like God isnt near me. But I remember reading this thing that said when God seems far when we need him most.. he is testing our faith.. So ok.. I will have faith.

I have to go. I will write more later...

ITS LATER!

Im not suppsoed to be on. I was supposed to be off an hour and a half ago.

I am thinking of making this a private diary for only friends... so if you wish to be able to read and your not on my list.. than ask me soon and I'll put you on.

I dont know what to write. I just dont want to go up stairs and get ready for bed. Cuz I will read my bible.. and I will feel remorseful and guilty for something and cry all night. And if I dont read.. I will think about it and want to all night and end up kicking myself in the morning. Later.

My letter finally made it to brett. I cant remember some of the stuff I said but its all true. I had fun making it cuz Im a nut.

Everything I say now-a-days in these stupd entries comes out wrong, or only half way. I made brett feel guilty and sadder. I didnt mean to. Just forget what I said. The letter is true. Not these entries. more true..er. Thats how I really feel. Not this. I wasnt mad. I was scared. When Im scared I get stupid. And stupid people tend to say things they dont mean. Or are meaner than usual. And Im sorry if I said anything to make the situation worse. blah.

I went with my mom to this reunion for an old girls group she was involved in. I went once and they asked if I would go. The showed this video about a girl who went thru alot of crap. She had sex at 12 and an abortion. SHe did drugs and ran away from home. And at the end of the video she said "but from now on I know I am pure"... I thought I could never be pure again and what I did was well bad but not sex and drugs... and she considers herself pure. Is she fooling herself? or is she? Am I? But what about that verse Hebrew 12:16:"Make sure no one is immoral or godless like Esau. He traded his birthright as the oldest son for a single meal. And afterward, when he wanted his fathers blessing, he was rejected. It was too late for repentance, even tho he wept bitter tears". It was too late. It says right there. No matter how sorry he was, he cant ever get it back. And they are using that as a symbolism for purity. So she is fooling herself. and so am i.

So the tip of my thumb is gone. not alot but enough to tell. it hurts.

I do not tolerate donut crime.

Tonite at uturn the whole message was to me (again)It was about patience and such. Yeah i reall need to start taking notes. Cuz I always forget and its good stuff. boo.

I need to do homework. I have a test tomorrow and I havent finished my freaking packet.

Today I blasted my music really loud and danced and jumped around and made noise. My mom probably thinks Im insane. But it feels good to go crazy by yourself and let loose to tunes. And then top it off by hittin skins to millencolin. Mmmm Mmmm goood.

ErG! I saw all these little boys on bikes and it made me sad. I want a bike! I want to ride my bIcycle. I want to ride my bIke. I want to ride my bIcycle. I want to ride it where I lIIIIIIIIke.......

A while ago me and brett were comparing how many emails we sent each other and I went to my old email address and I saw an email from Derek. I thought it was a really old one but it was from like 2 and a half weeks ago. A short one saying how he's been, asking about me and that his internet isnt working right and thats why he hasnt been online but he can check his email. He said he missed talking to me everyday like before. Its been like 3 or soemthing months since Ive heard from him. And even then it was once in a blue moon (i dont get that phrase) busy kid. So yeah I missed him too. So I email him back updating and such. Its cool that we can still be friends after all the nonsense and oogali biffness. Thats a cool word. Speaking of old friends. That girl breanna I used to go to church with who asked for my email address at cold stone... has yet to email me. Maybe I should just email her. yeah, she's probably just really busy. or she hates me.

Oh, the church got brand new trash cans so luke pulled jake around in it. And I wanted to try so jake pulled me around in it. ANd then luke actually swung it around! I was in the air.. in a trashcan. It was great. Great stuff. You should try it.

I might go on the Mexico missions trip. Well i will, justhave to get a recommendation letter from Sparks and do the dew.. or requirementies. I have pay-so's from when my brother went to cancun. So Im all set.

I still dont want to go to bed. but o well.