We've been separated for a year and a half. Really its been a year. End of January 2015. Im not sure what happened sometimes and sometimes I know exactly what happened, so much that its scary that I didn't do anything but watch it all unfold.

I wont make excuses for myself or even for his lesser offenses. I'm not perfect. I made mistakes. I didnt want to screw up.. I tried to be honest. Sometimes I wish I would have just tried and possibly screwed up.. and then i could say.. well I tried.. and I failed.. this way.. trying to eliminate the problem, in all the worst ways, just made everything worse. i cant even explain this right.

People don't want truth though. They want perfection. And you can only be perfect if you remove truth. You cant have both. But at the same time.. you cant be an asshole/idiot either. Balance. I was an asshole and I didnt even realize it. Well i did i think but i didnt know what to do about it. I was an idiot.

But there's not point of trying to fix something that doesnt want to be fixed. We're getting a divorce. Im not surprised. Most of me isnt anyways. Theres a small part of me that never thought we'd be here. Not us. We were that couple. the one that was friends first. the one that people thought was so perfectly fitted for each other. Like God hand picked us for each other. But maybe that was all in our heads. Maybe we let peoples words assure us of things instead of work towards them. Everyone thinks we're fine and doing great, so we must be.

Idk. I'm over simplifying. A decade long relationship from falling in love to a failed marriage wont fit in this box and even if it could i wouldnt be able to explain. I dont think its anyones fault. Or maybe its everyones fault. I dont know. it just happened.

I'm so depressed. But not like how I was before when i get depressed.. i would spiral into days of sleeping all day and night and not doing anything and crying and avoiding life. That was years ago though. Ive never felt so broken and low and weak in my life. Even so this isnt the worst bout of depression. And i think its because i realize that there is no point to depression. Its a real thing and causes serious problems. But with work you can avoid it. Its hard to find motivation. but for some reason right now anyways, its there. Enough to make it though a day and get the things i need to do done.

They're right about the phantom limb thing. divorce feels like you lost an arm or leg. Its a part of you and then its just not and you have to relearn. its not that its impossible to do certain things but you keep going to do them the way you always did.. depend on things to be a certain way.. but theyre not. and never will be. and you have to figure out other ways. and thats where i am. doing things on my own. simple things. but things that were shared between 2 people.

I don't know if this is for the best or not. Maybe.

We are both with other people now. The divorce isnt final. In fact.. neither of us has filled out any paperwork as far as i know. I told him to do it. Its been my decision most of this year. Then his. Now its mutual.

Mostly I'm sad about losing my best friend. My safest place. My lots of things that dont matter anymore. Im sad that now it seems like all we talk about it money. I hate it. I hate that we say we'll be friends but maybe one day soon we'll stop talking and that will be the last time. Maybe I'll never see him again. Or know anything about him. What if something happened to him.. would anyone think to call me? Would he want to know if something happened to me? I think about these things and my chest starts to cave in.

Ive always had to learn the hard way. I wish I was stronger.

Now I'm randomly crying in the grocery store. or wherever.

I have all the answers now. But no one cares about the question.

Idont know what to say in here anymore.