andres came over to help me look for a scooter and maybe get something to eat or soemthing. but he left early. yeah, cuz i do that. i dont know why. Im doing everything wrong. i know everything is my fault. ok, so what now?

gah. i am an idiot. about everything.

i played some drums after andres left but then i started writing this in my head. maybe I'll go play some more. i dont know why. i dont see the point. wheres a future in drumming? it feels so good to play and when i discover new things... but maybe im wasting my time.

I bounced a check and i dont even know why or how but i owe all this money and i dont have any and i owe my mom some money and i think.. maybe i should sell things i dont use.. like my dvd player that i dont use. my tv and my bed, my couch.. and maybe my drum set. oi. i paid $600 for my drum set. probably wont even get $500 for it... but o well. ah. maybe i should sell this computer... speaking of wasting my time.. where is a career for me in graphic or web anything? Im a fool. Im a loser and its never going to change. and to think, i used to be proud of that fact.

but anywho, i cant do this anymore. live in this house. its not exactly the rules of this house i cant live with. its my mother. and Im know she is sick of me. and sure, everyone can believe its all my fault. and you know what? it probably is. cuz im an idiot. I cant do this anymore, and it shows. Im calling my aunt irene. she'll have rules too, the weather sucks, but i can get away from all this. maybe just for a little while. until june when jason comes home and things arent so crazy. my mom and me got along really well a couple years ago after i went to missouri for a month, and this would be way longer so yeah, might be enough time for things to get better. maybe not. but maybe I'll get a job and be able to pay back things and when i come back i can move out and things will be ok. maybe, i hate my way of thinking. always looking for the positive when all that ever comes is negative.. o well. well see what happens.

im sorry I am like this. i dont know whats wrong with me either. maybe i have mental problems. im sure its crossed your mind as well. maybe. maybe i was designed to be alone. cuz all i do is hurt people. i dont mean to.

i hope brett is doing ok. i hope he is happy or at least at peace with everything. i was talking to my mom yesterday and she asked me if me and andres were going out and i said no. and we were talking and i dont remember how it came up but we started talking about our weddings. and what she wants and i told her what i wanted. and she commented on my husband.. she laughed and said "ok, but would andres do that? what about brett?" and i said, i dont know and such. and she said "im jk, you probably havent even met your husband" and i said thats kinda freaky and she said "yeah, but youd be suprised" and she said im young and blah blah and stuff and she wouldnt be suprised. and she asked me what andres would do if i met someone and they asked me out or visa versa. since we're not going out and such. and i dont know, it was weird. and such. and i changed the subject.

I read the verse on my header picture.. and, he says that we're saved from destruction.. so why do i feel so destroyed? why is everything falling apart? why am i asking questions when they never get answered?