I was told that the sleep place would call me.. they haven't. does she think this is a joke? She is supposed to be a doctor and instead she has done nothing but not solve my problems and make me uncomfortable. uhg. steph and sal think i should report her for being so... inappropriate. but whatever. i'll just go to another doctor. besides. she knows nothing of aspergers. she admitted to only ever knowing one other person with AS and it was a boy. I am looking for a doctor i can always go to. i dont want to go to a different doctor every time. and someone who will remember things i said at my last appointment. she didnt remember anything uhg. and im almost starting to think its not even sleep apnea. not thyroid or anemia or even sleep apnea... I've done some reading and remember some reading i did before that i forgot about and... maybe this is normal for people with AS. we tire easily. we need more sleep than others. we need freuent breaks and time to recover. little things stress us out more than they do other people. big things almost cripple us in exhaustion. no one understand this. not even timmy. i mean, he supports me and wants to help but.. he doesn't get it. not really. even when he wants to get it i know he doesn't get it. i dont feel good about it. i feel like people think i am lazy. i almost feel narcoleptic at times. especially around 4. and thinking that people see me that way, especially tim really stresses me out and depresses me. i feel helpless. if this really is just how it is.... then what am i supposed to do? everyone always saying, tim always telling people, how smart i am. but i don't feel smart. sure i am not a complete retard. but sometimes i may as well be. and its a common thing for people with AS. to be good at almost every thing and suck at simple things. like social stuff or hosting a party or introducing themselves to people. O crap! tomorrow they are taking 3 new hires out to lunch. uhg. shoot me now. surrounded by people i hardly know or talk to. who i would probably like if they werent so openly indifferent to me... endless mindnumbingly dull chit chat about things i don't know or care about. what was i saying........ right... so i suck at simple stuff. like taking care of myself. basic things most girls find so easy. having flawless smooth soft skin or perfect hair or nails... being healthy... remembering to eat healthy. remembering to eat at all. remembering to take my pills. being energetic. working out. all things i spent a lot of time trying to learn to look at least somewhat decent in comparison and always falling short no matter what. and even trying to find ways to help my AS. i feel like things might be better if i was doing things to help my AS instead of contribute to it. but i dont know what those things are. and the things i do know, i don't know how to start or where to start. its times like this when i want to punch something. hard. being so angry at my mom. my dad. and all the other kids who had AS and a parent to help them along the way. i need someone to help me. Tim supports me. he listens. but he doesn't know how to guide me. i need a guide. i obviously cant figure this out on my own and I'm just getting weaker and more depressed knowing things aren't getting better. and that makes it worse. and i know its a cycle. but even if i broke it, it wouldn't make things better. i just want to find a freaking doctor already. who knows what they are talking about. who i feel comfortable with and wont make me take off my clothes if i don't want to. i mean i know they have to touch your bare breast skin when doing a breast exam im not dumb... but she could have kept the gown over her hand, blocking her view like my last doctor who i told her about. but she insisted. its not a big deal. shes a doctor. whatever. but it made me mad. how do all these people on all these autism sites find these great doctors who know so much about aspergers? LA and NY are huge areas, with pretty much anything. the most things. more than other places. you would think right? i mean you would have more chance finding a doctor in a big city than in a small place in the middle of nowhere right? So why, living 30 minutes from LA can i not find a doctor specialising in this crap? I wish sometimes... and its bad. but. well its not bad but it would change a lot. but i just wish i got my diagnosis before i met timmy. before i left home or finished school. and i knew who i was and what to do about it before i had to be who i am. i wish my mom wasn't such a jerk to me. i know she thinks i am a brat or have attitude. and i know she knows why. and i know she thinks i should have forgiven her a long time ago for everything she's ever done because she said sorry and when she says she's sorry the world stops and all her sins are washed away. and if you remember them then you are just a terrible person who holds on to grudges because you love to fight and hate people. or something. but its not that easy to just forget years of that bullshit. and im so angry. and sometimes i get confused because i feel bad for being angry but then things confirm my anger. like articles about autism. and how there have been studies and how among other things, kids with AS are victims of harsh maternal discipline. i wish i had these articles growing up. if only. uhg. here it is! not me saying it. no one could have said i was crazy or making excuses. no! real professional doctors and scientists came up with this stuff, not me! uhg. i dont think I will ever stop being angry. sometimes i wish i didnt know. at first, for almost a year... i was relieved.. almost proud. i always liked being different anyways. but relief has turned into frustration to just plain anger and hatred for the people who should have known better. my mom. my pastors. my teachers. my other family members. anyone. why didn't anyone do something? no i feel like i am always, and will forever be, grasping at straws. i have no decent education to fall back on. i have no real financial security. i am emotionally fucked. and now mentally and physically are following close behind. there are a few things i know of to help. or at least, i've "heard" or "read" that they can help.. like horseback riding or rock climbing or physical and/or aroma therapy. but every time i go to do something... the closer i get the further i feel. how hard is it to do aroma therapy? couldn't be that hard. just smelling stuff... wrong. theres all sorts of things to put the essential oils in. what kind of diffuser? and some are ridiculously expensive and there's like abillion different options and then the oils themselves... a few i found that help AS in particular. great. ok. I'll get those. but finding them is retarded. and then i read all these crazy articles about side effects if its not this or if it has this ingredient or whatever.. it has to be organic or pure or something idk. and everything gets mixed in my head and i dont know what the eff im doing anymore and give up completely. physical therapy sounds nice in theory but, social aspects and the thought of a stranger touching my body makes me want to cry. and horseback riding and rock climbing is so expensive. and what else is there? i heard of cognitive behavior therapy. i read it all the time. in ever book i have on AS and autism.. and still don't know what it is.... its just a word. like a jar and i don't know what inside. i recoginize it contains something important that can help me but i don't know what or what to do with it. and it always seems to be on a high shelf. i am so angry.these are things that should have been taken care of. life is too short. I'm 24. I shouldnt still be trying to figure out how to BE. i should be be-ing. but every time a "problem" goes, another or several more take its place.

ranting isn't helping! i guess i will do something else. helpless. pointless. that's how i feel.i used to feel like i was small, but i had a purpose. or someday would do something of purpose. now i just feel empty and numb. i don't know when that happened but i can hardly rememebr what it used to feel like to be me. and i miss it.