So i was reading my new book. "The Way I See It" by Temple Grandin. She's great :) She is so smart. I love the way she writes and explains things. In a straight forward and non condescending tone. One of the things I realized that hadn't occured to me before is that I have aspergers. lol. well obviously that occured to me... but the fact that its not like the flu or a cold.. its not going away. its who i am and I am going to be this way my whole life. I've been taking anti anxiety/depression medication always thinking it would come to an end and I realized... when??? Unless i start looking into alternative mmedications or treatment.. i had an appointment today with my psychiatrist and asked him about it. I asked him if there was any other form of treatment besides pills for anxiety.. he said "no not really". He said its good i ahve a good job that i like and am doing well at because it helps to keep my mind stimulated. And he said exercising and counseling help with anxiety, but overall no, there is nothing else. Which i have mixed feelings about. I've been on 60mg lately. I read in my book that aspergers usually responds best to lower dosages and its true... i was a lot better when i was on 10mg prozac and 30 mg cymbalta. 60 is making me.... irritable and unpredicatable and probably more irrational that I'd like to admit. I also haven't been sleeping through the night. So hopefully things calm down in the next couple of weeks. I don't really have a problem having to take pills the rest of my life.. Temple is like 60 something and she has been taking her meds for like 30 years or something.. and I'm afraid to stop because i stopped once already. i took them in college when i was like 19 and then stopped after 6 months because i didnt have insurance and couldn't afford school so i didnt get the student benefits. then i went back on the a couple years later.. i think.. maybe it was a longer gap. but I've been on them since. I read somewhere and again in this book I'm reading that the second time you go back on anti depressants they dont work for 80% of people and the thrid time they don't work for even more than that. luckily they worked when i went back on them but if i stopped again and then decided it was a bad idea.. and wanted to go back on them then they probably wont work. I'm trying the gfcfsf diet right now tho. Its been really hard. No wheat, diary or soy... that's like everything. not everything but all my favorite foods. well ceot potatoes but anti depressants make you gain weight so i shouldnt eat potatoes :( but its ok. i realized today that i can eat most of the stuff at el pollo loco.. i don't really like el pollo loco but.. its better than salad every day. and theres one right down the street from work. I'm also thinking I'll try to find an adult soccer league or something to get in better shape and get the exercise I'm lacking. And at the same time maybe meet some new people... uhg. but I don't want to succum to my fears of social interactions. I used to be forced into them all the time by my mother. and although I didn't like how she did it (or most of the things she did) I do think that it was good that i was always around people. If i wasn't i wouldnt have learned a lot of social crap that i know now. And when i have friends I am really happy. Its the making friends part that I'm not good at.. In the past I've always sort of fallen into friendships because of like church or someone I knew would introduce me. I can't make friends on my own. But i want that to change. I don't want to hide behind my disbility like a lot of people do. I want to overcome it like Temple. And have people admire me and look up to me. And still remain who I am.

There is this part of my book where Temple stresses the need for schools to not overlook students with aspergers. She says a lot of schools only give special attention to very disabled kids because they obviously need help.. highly autistic children receive lots of aid... whereas highly functioning autistic kids that have aspergers are ignored because they can "get by". Or they are simply overlooked at being lazy or disobedient. I was always said to be lazy... that i had potential but wasn't applying myself. ha. I tried so hard. I know now it didn't look like it but i didn't know that then. How does someone ask for help when they don't even know there is a problem? when they think they are just like everyone else but everyone else can manage and they can't. Temple said most autistic kids fail algerbra because it is too abstract for how we think. I failed algebra in highschool. I tried to take it 3 times in college and failed 3 times. once online and twice on campus. She said that most autistic people are better at higher maths like geometry and trigonometry and should be able to skip algerbra and go straight to one of those. I was never able to do geometry or trig because i didn't pass.. i wish i did... trig would have helped to prepare me for calculus and calculus would have helped for programming and I reeeally want to get into programming. :{ i just wish I have an advocate in high school. That's one area i know wasn't my fault. it was the system and their inexperience with students with special needs. I have had the urge so many times to write to my old highschools and tell them how they did me wrong and make them aware of aspergers and to get it right next time. Uhg. talking about school just makes me angry and sad.

What makes me happy is Timmy :} He brought me home a BIG wooden box!! He found it at his work and brought it home for my bunnies! It has a lid and its sturdy and boxish! And its raised off the floor. We removed the bottom and he used a big circle drill to cut doors and a window. I put wire panels on the bottom so their poopies will go under and i can easily clean it. It looks really nice. His friend has extra roof shingles so he's gonna put those on the lid to make it water proof and get some hinges so it can do that slow closing lid thing. :) He loves me.

When it Rains by Paramore is a good song.

Saw Toy Story 3 today. SO good. I was laughing the whole time :)

We were supposed to go to Las Vegas today. Tims dad and Michelle were going out there to sell some cars at an auction and we were gonna meet them for the weekend. But we would actually get more time with them if we go next week. Plus Jessica has this movie promotion thingy tomorrow at a bar and I wanted Timmy to talk to her about getting in to do some grip stuff in the future. Maybe I'll invite Casey and Amanda.

RAwr.