Just got my other book. Life and Love: Positive Strategies for Autistic Adults. I was hesitant to buy it since it says autistic and not aspergers but I don't know why.. aspergers is on the autistic spectrum so why wouldn't it apply to AS? and i think thats what they mean by autistic in the title... its a more general term. Because when i read the chapters i could tell there was a lot that would pertain to me. Chapter 13 is called Disclosing Your Diagnosis. with such subtitles as: Discoling at work: dealing with consequences, disclosing to friends and dates: dealing with various reactions, and disclosing to parents and relatives: dealing with disbelief. And i can't wait to read all those because i have had consequences disclosing AS at work. I've had various reactions from friends and co workers. I have had my family not get it or not believe it .. or really not give a damn. Its sad but encouraging to know that others on the spectrum have the same issues I have. And I can't wait to see how they deal with them because I obviously don't know how.

Its funny (but not really) because in my book Aspergirls, i mentioned how Simone says her family doesn't accept the diagnosis or thinks its an excuse and such. And I just think its ridiculous. People are so hypocritical. If i had diabetes people certainly wouldn't be saying things like "well that is just an excuse not to eat sugar or have to take insulin" or if I had cancer they wouldn't be saying "that's just an excuse to die". People don't tell people with tuberculosis that they are just making excuses to cuss or tell blind people that they are just making excuses to have people do things for them. Deaf people aren't making excuses to ignore you. and people with Alzheimers aren't trying to forget. And to say any of that to these people would be extremely offensive, rude and just plain inappropriate and mean. Ignorance is no excuse. I'm just amazed that there is even a chapter in both of these books that talk about how families can be so not understanding. I should be an exception... being misunderstood should be the exception. I'm angry. that so many people.. "neurotypicals"... "normal" people.. often considered more human.... but act so inhumane.

When I first told my mom, one of the first times we hung out was on Thanksgiving. Something happened when she wanted me to help her pick up. I said in a minute. I was tired. and stuffed. She kept saying she was tired to. But she doesn't understand. Driving, cooking, social interaction (especially with her) and then eating a bunch of thanksgiving food (which makes everyone tired anyways) was too much. It was all too much. I needed to rest. She wouldn't stop bothering me to help. So i finally got up and started clearing the table. Then she asked what i wanted to do with the rest of the turkey. I guess there was a lot left over and she wanted to know if i wanted her to keep it or me to take it. I said i didn't care. She got all pissed off.. i don't know what she wanted me to say. And now that i think back it pisses me off because we paid for the effing turkey so why did she care if we wasted it? Its not her money being wasted. I was too tired to care about wasting turkey. She kept asking me what i wanted to do with it. I said I don't care.. you can keep it if you want... if not we'll take it. I don't care. And she kept getting mad. Apparently she wanted me to do something with it.. she wanted me to put it in a bag an take it home. She should have said she wanted me to put it in a bag and take instead of "what do you want to do with this"... how is that at all the same???? Tim was sitting on the couch. It was just the 3 of us. I was getting really upset and looked at Tim and asked him if he knew what she wanted or understood or whatever and he said no... he came over and it all just got worse. at some point i was sitting on the couch, and this was the first real misunderstanding I had been in since my diagnosis. I suddenly got it, and i said it out loud. I told her that that's what i thought was happening. She was seeing me as a brat or being difficult or whatever. And i just didn't know what she wanted. Not until way after we left. i asked her to please explain. but she only said the same thing Over and over. I said, say it in any other way, because i don't get what you are saying. Then tim asked, and she finally changed what she said to what she actually wanted... she explained calmly and clearly about putting it in bags and stuff. I WAS OUTRAGED that she wouldn't just tell me what she told him. and made me out to be a brat and a jerk when she could have just said what she said the whole time. i told her to screw the turkey and we left in a huff. on the way home i called her and tried to tell her that she had hurt my feelings. but instead of trying to talk about it with me like i was trying to do.. she started telling me things like i am just making excuses by saying i have AS. and comparing it to an alcoholic. She said that an alcoholic has a problem but needs to take responsibility for their actions. THAT was just the most annoying.. not the most annoying thing she's ever said to me.. because believe me.. she's said a lot of annoying things. but its up there. HOW could someone possibly compare a syndrome. something someone is BORN with like autism to a CHOICE, to become an alcoholic. with the ABILITY to change?? how does that make sense? She is crazy. But somehow we worked past that... but every interaction since my disclosure.. she's always had a bad attitude about my diagnosis. Its like she gets angry when i bring it up. She kept telling me she wanted to learn more but if i brought it up on the phone she would say she would rather "set a time" to talk about it in person... when i would try to talk to her about it in person.. she would stop me or start a fight. so instead of trying to talk about it, timmy and i decided i should just try to mend our relationship.. i should spend more time with her. i was having trouble. i had just received a diagnosis but i didn't know what to do with it. great i had aspergers, now what? I needed to find a psychiatrist. or something. i asked her to explain the differences between psychiatrist, therapist, counselor, social worker, nurse practitioner, etc. because i was overwhelmed. it was awkward. while i was in missouri with my husband visiting his family for christmas, there were some things that came up that i didn't know how to handle. his grandpas girlfriend is an alcoholic and when we were over there to visit she told me a bunch of things about tims dad's girlfriend michelle. i'm really close with michelle... she gets me and she's really cool. and we have a lot in common because we both think tims brother is a jerk. but anyway, so i called my mom to ask her for advice. etc etc. i did these things to get closer to her. i thought thats how you rebuild a relationship and i still think it is... i don't know how else you're supposed to do it.. from what I've seen and asked people.. thats how its done... but then she told people that i just use her when i need something. information is all screwed up and to rally understand i would have to write for hours. but the only reason she said that is because she knows i am right. i am angry at her because of many things. and she knows i should be. but she is one of those people who turns around and is mad at you when they see you're mad at them. its ridiculous. and its not fair. so we don't talk anymore. and i do care that my family is too messed up to realize that autism is real and i have AS. but there is nothing i can do about it... so I'm not going to worry about it. The part that people don't like is that in order not to care, i can't even deal with them, at all... and people think i am heartless or something. these are people that come from nice families and parents that are supportive and nurturing. these people can stfu. because they don't know shit about it.

the only reason i am talking about it at all is because of my moms comment on my aunts status.... i realized I'm going to my cousins graduation on friday and all at once i am overwhelmed. i'm happy to see my cousins. and my uncle. but i could really do without my aunt irene. all she is going to do is hound me about talking to my mom and be super annoying about it and i don't think i can take it. not by myself. tim isn't coming. he has to stay home. i haven't been without him for more than a day since... over 3 years ago and before that only 1 week in 2 years. to a lot of people that is crazy or unhealthy... i don't think so. why would u waste time apart from the person who gets u most? i know myself enough at this point to know.. this might be too much. even with tim i cant stand airports. but now, instead of alisha, my grandma is bringing amelia. my younger cousin. and i love her and whatever but she is obnoxious and i can't stand it.. she just doesn't shut up. ever. i try to be nice. and i am usually successful because i know it wont last long. i can usually leave the family gathering or wherever it is we are and go home and sleep. but now.. i have to spend a whole day... in an airport.. with amelia... and a billion people... and my grandma wants to get there crazy early because she is old and doesn't get think anything is boring... and then she wants me to sit with amelia.... 3 hours. and then spend 4 days at my aunts house probably sharing a room with her. all without tim. already, i can't handle this. i was trying to be better for tim. i wanted him to come but i know now that i quit my job we cant afford it so i said he didn't have to and he had to work and we have no one to watch the pets and he cant. but i dont know if i can.