those eye drops make my eyes all soothe-y feeling. why does Choli almost always smell like poop? aren't cats supposed to clean themselves? my old cat Sebastian was obsessed with cleaning himself.. and he never smelled like poop. i should know, he slept on my pillow right next to my head. i love the part in becoming jane when she's dancing with that stupid guy and she's all sad because she basically has to marry him and she doesn't want to. and then in the middle of the dance the Tom guy steps in, not in the stupid guys place but the other guy (they dance in 4's) and she looks up and he's dancing with her. and they're staring at each other the whole time and its awkward. and its pretty great. i watched that at 5 this morning. we slept all day. i wonder when i am going to start working on that website..... we'll probably go pick up the rest of my stuff at my moms on Sunday. I don't really feel like talking to her. I bet she bought an 8/10 jacket because she figured I'd send it back and she could have wear it since that's HER size. i don't know why she would think we are the same size... i just don't want to deal with it. any of it. this new years resolution was.. don't fall for bullshit. don't worry what people think in regards to my decisions especially when they don't even know the situation. and focus on my family with Timmy and let my other "family" be as ridiculous as they want. forget them. that's my new years resolution. forget them once and for all. not because i want to, but they give me no choice. they have the power to change it and they don't. so if they want to say "well YOUR the one who said you didn't want us in your life" then that's the craziest thing I've ever heard. without them in my life, or without their ridiculousness, this year would have been the best year of my life. but it wasn't. it was ruined and made almost the worst. one of the worst. with this new year comes an end to double standards and hypocrisy. so that's why i want to get my stuff on Sunday. its the soonest day i can go with Tim. would have been today but we slept too long. and I don't want to put it off.. i don't want to think about it. because then i will think of them. I just want it out of the way once and for all. nothing to write right now. we're going to get some food.. maybe I'll write something later. --------------------------------------------------------- my internet wasn't working.. i got so angry i started screwing around with like very setting i could find.. i think i really messed it up for a second. and then out of nowhere, for absolutely no particular reason at all.. it magically starts to work again. what? it was pretty annoying. uhg. i hate time warner cable. those bastards. i bought this white knit hat and its cute but i can't seem to wear it right. i look gay. its my bangs... they are too short and too long for everything :[ its funny. well not funny haha, but its funny how like you are so upset with someone. and then you are like in a room and you like cant hear them or something is distracting in the room so you move to a different room and its like the changing of rooms makes that person think the upsetness is over for some reason. well maybe not that its over but if you were in the middle of a talk, they like.. stop talking.. and i know i can't be upset forever.. i love timmy. even when i am angry at him and think i hate him... i love him 100 times more than anyone else. so its hard to be mad at him. and usually when i am upset its something he can fix and he does... and i forgive.. and its over. and we can have happy times again. but this time he can't just fix it. and i can't just know its fixed. for all i know it never will be, as much as he denies that. its a possibility. so i know i can't just spend my days being angry at him.. we'd never get anything done. and it would be miserable all the time. and even tho its me who is mad.. being mad isn't fun. so it wouldn't just be a punishment for him, having me be mad at him. it'd suck for me too. because my favorite times of my day are when I'm with him... and its confusing. being so upset. and then trying to be normal. just because what else is there to do? but just because i have put away the angry vibes and the cold looks and the excessive questions... doesn't mean I'm over it. or done talking about it. or done thinking about it. or done with anything. no. i just started. but i am not going to spend all day everyday on one subject but when its over for the day and the next day comes.. and the feelings come back.. i need something to push them down again. a temporary solution until there is an action that proves i don't have to worry. until its fixed. i don't know how or when that will happen but this problem just happened. its fresh. its not like you can push it under the rug so easily. i always have a reason not to sleep. sometimes its simply insomnia. sometimes its that i get so lonely and if i stay awake until Timmy leaves and sleep until he comes home.. then its like he never left. but thats not why i can sleep now. now its more like... i don't want to sleep with him right now.. because.. when were sleeping and he's holding me and he falls asleep so fast. and i know its stupid. probably not true, but it feels like he doesn't get that there's a problem. like he thinks everything is ok. i don't like it. last night we were talking in the computer room. Choli kept attacking us. well mostly tim. and playing with loud things and it was obnoxious. he'd asked me if i would go to bed with him a few times but i said no. and out to the couch to watch tv. but i said no. but Choli was being so dumb. so eventually i said we could move out there. he took that to mean.. situation over. when really i just needed to change scenes so i could focus on my thoughts and not Choli. but instead of getting even more angry over that.. i let him think it was over and watched a movie on the couch while he fell asleep holding me. when the movie was over i stared at the ceiling for a while. i stared at him for a while. i tried to close my eyes but i wasn't tired. eventually my thoughts scattered into a million directions and i was thinking about a lot of random things. one was really random and it stuck in my head. about what would happen if Timmy wasn't around. i don't know where he would be but what would i do? i started to think. in the movie i watched, her sister's husband dies, and it made me cry.. a lot. i was already in a bad mood so what do u expect.. but i thought about myself in the situation. I've had nightmares about that happening but I've never thought.. what would i do? i would die. inside maybe even out. more dead inside than i already am. i realized, i would be completely alone. i think i stuck on that subject because i was so sick of being angry at him, and being scared of losing him made me feel like my anger didn't matter. but it does matter. when we woke up i acted normal. and my anger was out of sight out of mind so he acted normal. and everything was normal. only it wasn't so it was just weird. for me. I'm sure it was just fine for him. not that he, even now, has any clue what's going on. i shouldn't have to tell him. i don't know how to fix this. i don't know how to not be angry at him without faking it. and I am pretty awesome at faking it.. after a while i forget too.. but then it all comes rushing back. in waves. and they are closer together than he'd think. never ending. we had a good night tonight. a good day really. he wanted o hug me and kiss me and hold me all day. and it was nice but.. a few days ago... that's how it was and i was thinking it was perfect... and now... it feels like he's apologizing.. so its not the same. we played left for dead with george and jeff. these guys we play halo with wanted to play. they are way better than us at halo. and i think they thought they would be a lot better at this game too.. but we beat them.. so bad they actually quit.. it was kind of funny. it was annoying tho. one of the guys was like comparing our achievements and just because me and tim had more than them he says "yeah i just got this game 2 days ago... you guys have been playing for like over 5 months".... i wasn't paying attention enough to say anything.. but... i realized what he said after and i was like.. wait a second... this game just came out like 2 months ago... we looked at the receipt in the box, and it said November 28th! that's 1 month. i dunno. i hate people like that. if they aren't the best at everything... they freak out. and make excuses. and quit. and lie. and are gay. and we discussed things about the clothing line. and that was somewhat exciting. but i dunno. i look at him and he looks all happy. and we're messing around and being dorks and its fun.. but i can't stop thinking... does he really think its ok? or does he feel the same way i do? maybe he doesn't know what to do either. but i was serious about what i told him. and the ending of that letter.