I don't know how to think. It's like I am watching myself live but I cant feel it. I cant feel anything.. all I feel is that feeling. the 'where am i feeling' that i explained before. about timmy. maybe i havent felt anythng about the sex thing because theres just no room right now. is it possible? like maybe my head is just too full right now.. thinking of things like timmy and all the girls he's wanting to screw. and i just cant handle something else.. maybe. I wish I could feel something. Anything would be fine right now. Even if i feel awful. At least I could know where I stand. What I think. Who I am. Right now.. I'm not really sure. I mean. I'm really confused about Jason. He says he hates lying. But I kind of notice that he doesnt really tell people the truth all the time. I mean Im not calling him a liar. Im just saying.. maybe he isnt as honest with himself as he thinks he is. i mean i dont think my brother tells the truth all the time but at least he talks to my mom about what he's done, at least somewhat. and jason.. he hasnt told him mom. they probably never talk about it. Even i tell my mom everything and we arent even close like i thought jason and his mom were. who knows. maybe going to church will help. I need clarity. I need break thru. I need to move to the next stage. I need to find a balance. I need to know the words to say. I need to know what Im thinking before i can even get to the words... I need to talk to jason. But i dont know about what. I want to talk about it until i figure out what im feeling but i dont want him to think im a freak. i dont want to bring it up. it didnt seem like he liked talking about it. like he was rushing it to get it out of the way. i guess i understand his point of view. but i wish he would try to put himself in my shoes. i know thats a lot to ask from someone you barely know but.. considering the situation. oi. i cant believe this. I cant even talk to someone i had sex with. who am i?? who does this? not me. definately not me. I want to take it back. i thought it felt right. it didnt.. its not. im afraid of myself and him. He's good at talking and Im a push over.. bad combination. I need to do someting about this but who knows what. I like him. i dont want him to go but so many things are scaring me about him right now... I dont knw what to doo. part of me thinks.. we should move forward BECAUSE we had sex. I cant have had sex and not be at least officially going out with someone. Or I think we need to stop with all the i miss you talk and just slow it down and not talk and just forget and pretend we never happened and go our separate ways. i dont want that. i obviously want the first one. i know im still missing tim and getting over it.. but why is it so awful to be with someone while i do that?