well. things are. mmm.. better i think. me and timmy have had much conversations and i dunno. i think its gonna be good. i think. only time will tell i guess. but we'll see. I cant go to missouri anymore. i was going to go just for a visit. a few nights ago i was having a rough night and i needed someone to talk to so i went to my moms. and she was better than usual. i was afraid to go over there. but it was the only place i could think of. and we talked till 3 in the morning. and it was fine. and then i called her so she could help me plan my trip to missouri. and when i got there. she was so cold and evil and her normal self and she kept changing the subject onto things that didnt matter and when i would ask her to just help me with my trip she would get so mad. and it was ridiculous. and then it turned into this big ol fight and i decided to leave and she told me that she was going to call my aunt and tell her not to let me come anymore. and that if i leave the state with my car she'd call the police! insane nazi. all i wanted to do was have a break from all the nonsense. i thought she would be happy that i would be out of my boyfriends house. and that she'd like that i went to her for help. but nothing is ever good enough for that woman. and she takes intimate moments like when i went to her that one night... and she throws it in my face and she expects like some kind of award for being a normal mother for once. so thats over and done. i dont know what im going to do if me and timmy break up or something. not that we will cuz this past week has actually made us closer. but it was a close call and. it was just last week. i cant go home even if i wanted to. which i dont.. i cant go to missouri. i cant go with friends. cuz i barely have any right now. but i guess i shouldnt think about that right now. ive been listening to worship music again. its really relaxing and peaceful. i missed it so much. i still cant get myself to pray. the only time ive prayed in 6 months was when my mom prayed for me that night. and i felt weird. but i guess something is better than nothing. i miss church. my mom is really annoying, and kind of dumb sometimes. but she mentioned this program at church. guidance counseling. i dunno. im opposed to church counseling cuz they can be so biased and closed minded sometimes. especially with young adults. well, thats been my experience in the past.but then again. i havent really had counseling at my current church. so i guess i dont know. it scares me. but. i think it might be a good idea. ive been having dreams. and ive been feeling really depressed about certain things. and i dunno. i think just talking to someone would help. i dunno. timmy bought a new desk. its pretty. and aaaaaaaaaand i built the whole thing alll by myself :) i like building things. Timmy's learning how to play Hey There Delilah by The Plain White T's. I like that song. bleh. things are so confusing.