If I only had an axe I’d sever the ties I’ve made with the world.

Maybe I can be a stranger in a strange place If I start now, maybe I can be saved.

If I only had a mask

I’d cover these bleeding eyes.

They’re bloodshot now but they’ll be black by dawn.

If I wake up now I can be pure again.

I’ve made mistakes but I’ll find my way.

No explanation for the things I’ve failed at before.

They can’t hold my hand.

It just hurts to be a man.

Through the tortures of the damned.

Look at me now, I’m on the tracks with my back towards the last train leaving town

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~ BAYSIDE | TORTURES OF THE DAMNED ~

I have ideas. For my blog. For application. For my movie. And so on. But execution seems impossible. I don't know how to make anything happen. I don't even know where to start. Its frsutrating.

I screw up everything. I don't mean to and sometimes don't even know I'm doing it. I screw up so much it makes the times I am right less real. People don't believe in me. Tim believes in me too much. Eventually I will screw this job.

I hate people sometimes. Actions speak louder than words is still a bunch of words. And since actions speak louder than words no one hears what that actually means. They hear it but don't listen. People are words. They tell you words too shatter you. Push you. Push you into actions. And then they blame you for those actions. And they don't want to listen to you tell them that. And then years later all of sudden they can say sorry. when it dosn't matter anymore. And it doesn't mean anything and you don't even care. You just want the bad shit to go away but it doesn't because they refused to own it but they want me to own everything and all my words and my actions and things I can't control. And they think with a simple phrase everything is ok? But you go along with it because you're just sick of being alone inside. And you're sick of being on the outside. And being looked at as wrong and bad and ridiculous. And you want things to be better. But people dont change. I AM ACTIONS. My family can take me or leave me. Everybody can say I love you. But they love to love at a distance. And loving at a distance is comfortable for me too but I am always pushing past that. I am always guilted into being responsible for how close i am to my family. and when I show them i want a relationship, then they are willing. and they think that's enough. Willing isnt enough for me anymore. I'm sick of being tricked into thinking its my responsiblity. I don't do one sided friendships so why am I still trying with my family when they dont try back? They just take whatever comes their way. Whatever happens happens. But if I stopped trying, then it wouldnt matter. And the fucked up part is that I am always being blamed for not caring. Would I drive out there? Would I call? Oh so you opened the door.. oh so you answered. What the fuck does that mean? You could open the door for a stranger what makes me different? I am sick of feeling bad for things I can't control. She should be trying. She is the mom. I hate when she says "we were both wrong" or anything like that when she mentions the past. Because she was the adult. and she knew she had a problem. Menapause and add = HELL for a teenager. especially with aspergers. Can you think of a worse combination? She didn't get help for either of us. It was her responsibility. But I'm fine with it whatever. It is what it is and I'm over it. Its just stupid that even after that.. Im the one who has to always do everything. She said "well you would tell me to stay away so I did" ok. I might have said that a few times. A few times out of a hundred. And even then so what? So you dont try to fix it? If she told me to stay away and I did people would still hound me to fix things. If it was me and my daughter I would do anything to be in her life and close. I would be glad she forgave me and try to fix things. I would try to understand her aspergers. Or listen when she tried to tell me. I could at least do that. If I didn't SEE the problem or believe her when she said she was trying or when the teachers didn't understand.. I would make it up by being there now. She says she is busy. I would make myself unbusy for her. I tried to have a conversation and she told me i was making excuses. Before I could barely finish my sentence. The second time she's said that to me when I bring up aspergers. And all I am trying to do is share something with her. something important to me. Wouldn't you think if you really loved someone you would want to hear about something that important? Something thatmade me feel different and confused for my whole life. And something that could explain htings in our relationship and stuff and she just throws it back in my face. I dont understand how you could do that to someone your supposed to love. that night I told her i was upset with her for what she said and we got into a big fight. tim convinced me to emailed her and i did and she emialed back and things cooled down and she said she wanted to talk and share something with me and didnt say anything . So after a few days I called and asked what she was talking about and she said she just wanted to talk about aspergers. casually. I said i tried to. thats what i was trying to do that night i came over and she ruined it. Now its not casual. Now its turned into this big thing. And we talked a little bit. she called while i was at home depot so we talked while i was there and in the parking lot of vons while tim went in to buy groceries. i guess it was good but i dont get her. If the problem is she doesn't get aspergers and wants to talk about it.. then why isnt she calling to ask about it? She knows I want to talk to her about it. So Im confused. She says I love you and cares but if she did she would fix the problem and just talk to me. But whenever talking to me is the answer. she doesn't do it.

Thinking about babies makes me angrier at my mom. The more I imagine a baby and caring for the thought of a baby.. i have overwhelming love for just a thought. I don't understand how a mom couldnt feel anything less. I know she feels that way for jason. She always says i dont care. obviously i do. She can read entry after entry for the past 3 years that say that. and if words arent enough then i've shown it by going over there and calling and sending emails even if she doesnt like them. so no one can say i didnt show i care. And i know she's read this. she found it once and told me. so i dont get it. I want a baby. But i want to fix this relationship with my mom and i was hoping with my brother before then. but i've given up on jason. so i would like things to be ok with my mom. i dont want to be around my mom while i am pregnant or have a baby if she doesn't understand my aspergers. or at least try.

I just hate when the issue is if someone cares.. and then they dont call you.. they call when its convenient for them. I work too. But everyone has time for this shit. You make time. If its important to you. fuck.

And fuck you if you think I'm fucking cussing too much. I don't give a fuck. I am fucking angry dammit.