it was suggested to me by a close friend/mentorr person that i may have c-ptsd. After looking into it a few months ago and again tonight... I definitely feel i 100% have it. Which is a sucky thing to feel both exxcited to have answes about something i was so confused about and upset that the only thing i've felt excited about in a while is such bullshit. that i have it at all. and how. and why.

When i got to the home page i read the firsrt diary like i always do and it was someone who went to their ex boyfriends journal and read their last entyr. it ended up being a cute/hilarious entry and it made me curious forr myself. So. i clicked on mine and Tim's old joint journal. Not many entries. Just a few silly ones. One had pics. We look like little babies. We looked happy. And then i thought of him now, in court last month. Sitting to my left with an ugly beard and an untucked shirt and jeans.. thinking.. he can definitely afford to try to look more presentable. if i can on a nothing budget, he can. And also thinking, I wonder if he is the same? And next remembering our mediation meeting a week or so ago. Same ugly beard only longer. Why? Just. Why? And being in closer quarrters now.. his face looked so differernt. There's no gentleness. The person I knew is gone. Idk who that was. But who I knew, my husband, my old "Timmy bear" doesn't exist anymore. It made me sad. Not because I want him back. Ignorance is bliss and I thought our marriage was as close to perfect as you could get.. but being out of it looking in.. i was wrong. That's why this happened. But i do miss my friend. Very much. I can barely remember him now. A whole era that'll die in our thoughts and old bins in my moms garage.

Max and I talked this month. idk. I thought he sounded so much better. Maybe he is, so mucch better. Maybe every fear and paranoid thought is just a response to a trigger and isnt real. Orr maybe he is exactly who he was, in a better disguise.

I have emotional flashbacks all the time. A symptom of Cptsd. When i used to think of flashbacks i thought it was seeing things... flashes of images and being upset by those images. But emotional flashbacks are crazy. I used to love the show Roswell. (They're making a remake on CW rirght now.. i dont want to watch it... remakes generally suck). ANyways on the show, Tess has the powerr to make people see things taking place.. like puts them in situations that arent actually happening but they feel everything they would if it was. Which is sort of like how it is when i have an emotional flashback. Only i cant see it, i just feel it like its happening. That probably doesnt make sense but its 5am and i cant sleep.

Max is a meth addict. Or was. We went thorugh a lot. I didn't know at first. I didn't know anything about drugs so I didnt know what to look for. or even that anyone would hide it. because I'm naive but also so transparent. He is sober now. Since April 2017. I think talking to him, hearing him say certain things.. brings me back to when he was using and all the craziness. I don't even want to talk about it right now. I felt like I needed more closure and I guess the idea of being together again was out there for a minute. If I want to be real honest though and risk being seen as utterly pathetic... it was morre than a minute. I really wanted to. Want to. But how.. and why? And no.

My c-ptsd was caused by him. i cant tell up from down now with any person let alone him. The sad part is, he sounded really good. He has a sponsor and a job and saw his son again and has male friends and sounds like he quit smoking and prays. All things I wanted for him. And I'm happy for him. But he created so many tirggers. Of course theyd be moer intense with him. The sad part is, I think he is what he says... but these emotional flashbacks are so intense that it doesnt matter. Because the past is happening in those moments. Its ACTUALLY happening and I cant make it stop. I'll never trust him. He lied so mcuh. Even when I would catch him red handed, he would see me holding the evidence of the offense and deny it. He could look me right in the eyes and deny anything. And even though I was literally looking at proof, he was so confident, that I would question my own sanity and reality instead. Who could do that? To someone they love? Who would want that sort of power? These werent mistakes met with remorse and shame.. just pure manipulation. And he could convince me a million times over that "this time" was different and somehow he found a million differernt reasons why. I cant stand hearing myself say this stuff. Remembering accepting all of it. But laksjdsdsdsxh the good times.. his kiss. His eyes. His hands. He isn't even the most attractive person, in fact some think he's ratherr unattractive. Idk what it is. Maybe its his confidence. the same confidence i hate. And he has a nice jawline. uehrbdjhfv.

I started casually dating a guy in June-ish. We were aquaintences before.. he has 4 kids. He's older. We broke it off in spetember, back together in october and I spent most of the holidays with him for severral reasons but one being.. to see if we could make it work despite how crrazy it seemed to everyone else. Mostly because of the age difference. But he came out of a similarr situation that i had with max and we were both so affected that it caused a lot of issues we didnt expect. we we'rent perpared. so. We've taken a step back. We're friends. I love his kids. No matter what happens, they will always be in my life now as far as I'm concerned. We are both extrrmely passionate. Which can be good and bad. I didnt expect to fall for him. We were friends for a while. We like worrking on porjects together. He wakeboards.. and that was fun. Neverr did it before and I was good. We went a few times earlier this year. Something fun and cheap to do with the family.

The other issue, that he seems to think is a nonissue, he has a vasectomy. I want a baby someday. I had been trying to be open without actively searching for something. And this just happened but I said I couldnt in the beginning and that it wasnt realistic because of.. so many things. But it ended up eventually happening anyways. I guess the vasectomy isnt an issue rright now now because i am not planning to have a baby immeidately or while I'm still married (divorrce appeal is still going and yep, that means I'm still marrried). Unlike my ex, I don't rreally feel comfortable having babies out of wedlock. Even though I;m sort of against getting married again... i go back and forth on it... i am definitely against having a baby while still married to someone else. and sometimes, i dont really know if I even want a baby anymore. its all ive wanted for so long. But maybe its just too late.

I shouldnt be with anyone right now anyways. I have all these conditions and whatnot. I'm lonely as hell. I have constant anxiety. I cant sleep. i cant concentrate. Whoever actually could take me on right now would have to be an emotional superman. I'm a wreck. I'm more depressed than i've ever been. Forr good reasons that I wont really get into. And yet, I'm containing it better than i have in the past. Masking it almost completely at times. But as soon as I'm alone, still, its like someone lights my whole body on fire.

SLEEEEEEP.

"The time is out of joint—O cursèd spite, That ever I was born to set it right! "