addicted? am i? i dont think so. and yet. i do. or the other way around. today.. i hate myself. I dont know how to think anymore. or what i think. its like im 2 people thinking at the exact same time and i cant figure out who to believe or what. I try to trust tim. but its hard sometimes. and its stupid because... it should be the other way around. kind of ironic. i just. i feel soo unless. i have literally no money. im losing more than im making and i dont know why. i suck at school. i suck at life. i am exhausted and i barely even have that much on my plate. same as anyone else i guess. so why cant i do it? im just weak. im just me. and its never enough. i guess thats why im so scared. i guess thats why its so easy to assume. to assume he wouldnt want to be with me. why would he? im a flake. im an idiot. i look at other boys and their girls and i think.. im nothing compared to her. and i bet she knows it. and i bet her bf knows it. and i bet they are just having the time of their life. its not tims fault. its my own insecurities holding me back.. i wish i felt worth it. then i could really trust tim. but then.. sometimes.. i feel like.. like im so naive. Im so scared. today i accussed tim of something.. and i didnt follow thru with actually holding him accountable for it mainly because I dont know... i guess maybe i'd rather let it go then have to give someone else up. someone i love so much. someone i love more than anyone. and just thinking of being without him hurts so much. im not making sense. i dunno. tonight when i got home my mom just got all psycho on me. i dont even know. she started saying how i havent dusted and whatever.. and ok she's right. i havent. but whenever i do anything. she complains. the woman is unpleasable. i mean i pick up after myself.i do my own crap. i dont ask her for anything. i dont even want to be here. she wanted me here and im here. i dont want to be here. and yet she asks me for rent and such and i dont even want to be here. and she accuses me of all sorts of stuff and i just feel like giving up. not like i havent started the process. i hate her. she says the stupidest stuff. she acts like shes so high and mighty. and then acts like she knows EVERYTHING about me and my life and my relationships. and everything. she said something to me. she said "i cant believe your still willing to be with a guy who puts you second. even after living with him." how does she know? she doesnt know anything. and maybe he does. maybe he doesnt. i dont even know myself, so how would she know?? she's stupid. she also said that "you let im get away with *insert all the things she thinks she knows here* because your too afraid of losing him." i hate her. she's stupid. she said she wouldnt butt into my business and yet she makes me listen to this crap. ahg. but maybe she's right. thats the stupidest part. i hate myself and i hate her. and i hate life. i HATE life. i love tim. he's #1 in everything. am i wrong for that? should it be a different way? Should it only be like that if I was his #1? or is that selfish? I need someone to talk to right now and i have no one. I'd call him. but i already did. he's sleeping. he's tired. i guess I'll sleep too.