i have an interview on monday or tuesday depending on how busy he is. with the graphic design company i called. im happy about that. i saw The Darjeeling Limited with jason tonight. im not feeling the johny for some reason. anyways. it was hilarious. i had a good time. i wasnt feeling very good so maybe thats why i wasnt very full of energy. but thats ok you dont really need energy to see a movie. he said he had fun just being with me. i feel weird now tho. ------------------------------------- i think im ready to talk about what happened. i think it'll help the weird feeling..i havent thought much about it. i havent cried about it. i havent even felt bad about it... i think im in denial. or maybe i changed more than i thought. o god. i just think. i think i had sex with him. i think we had sex. yeah im pretty sure we did. with this person i barely know. and yeah sure we click like ridiculous and we're really into each other but i didnt want to go this fast. i never wanted to go that fast.. until. well whatever. i still miss ahhh.. whatshisface. not that i was thinking of him, at all. i dont think of him when im with jason. i dont think of anything really. but after. i just thought.. i dont know what i thought. i just.. that was like the one thing i was keeping sacred. the ONE thing. and it might be gone. it is gone. not might. is. i think. who really actually knows.. and now its like.. now what? whats the point of waiting now? even if i didnt technically.. whats the point anyways? might as well. it was enough to take away from when i do. not that it was bad.. it wasnt really anything. i dont think a first time is supposed to be anything but painful. lol and its really hilarious because.. i already know this is going to change everything. all the great stuff i said about him... it will just fade like it faded with timmy. everything does. i'm sick of putting my trust in words. we havent even talked about it. maybe we dont need to. maybe we can pretend it didnt happen. but i kind of wish he would bring it up.. maybe he feels the same way.