Listening to: Lovers Electric- Closer
I have a million things to do and absolutely no motivation to do any of them. I honestly don't get what is wrong with me.. i feel like i fail at everything i attempt, so why try? what a sucky way to think of things.. but i can't help it. its how it is, its how it always has been.
i have no money for school. and i am not letting Tim pay again, not after last time. and i can't find a job. and if i don't have a job i don't get money and without money, no school and without school i don't learn the things I need to learn to get a job!!! ahH!HH! I hate it. books are no good. I need experience. I try to teach myself but I don't know what I need to know. I never appreciated teachers more than I do now. They know what to go into detail on and what to just skim over. and they answer questions. unlike the internet. some questions are too specific and i don't know where to look. without money i can't buy the software i need to learn, and without the knowledge i can't put it on my resume and with a crappy resume, i can't do anything. i am really bummed out right now. maybe its just because i am sick and its just magnifying it all. and then on top of it, i have no idea if this wedding is going to happen. 1 month and like 10 days. yeah right. we barely have a location and no invitations and no dress and i haven't put enough energy into it. some. but i get overwhelmed. i am tired.
i'm getting fat. there's no room in here to work out. except the living room, and i can't play music in there and we don't have tv. i just can't work out in silence. and so here i am, 118 :[ the goal was to lose 12 lbs not gain 6 lbs. g's.
we're going to the doctor together on Wednesday. they're mean to me when i go alone. people are always nice to tim, he has a pleasant face i guess or his voice.. idk why but its true. and in general, when he is around, they're nice to me too. its weird.
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