this is really corny but its just how i feel. and i dont care whatcha think.
ok so huh. ok well. I decided that i am an idiot. well. i mean. i knew i was. but gosh, i was actually willing to compromise my values. at the senior trip a couple months ago we were talking about our relationships with God.. like throughout our lives and how close we felt. and when we felt closest. I said not so close for a a lot. but thats not true. and they actually talked about it.. even tho i wasnt walking right sometimes.. i always "felt" close to Him. i always feel his love. sometimes its annoying.. cuz i try so hard to fight it and he freaking never gives up on me. I tried so hard to throw everything away. a slap in His face. but, i havent stopped feeling his love.. only tried to ignore it. but you cant.. well u can. but i dont want to. I dont want to compromise myself. i dont want to destroy myself for someone else's benefit. cuz it probably wouldnt solve anything and i'd be miserable. I cant keep putting myself in the role of the problem solver. Im not. I cant keep thinking im responsible for other peoples feelings and lives. im not. Today was so.. it sounds cheesy.. but, profound. ya know.. like everything came together and all day i didnt even expect it. like moulin rouge. tear. only without the dying. i mean i woke up and in the car, i felt so weird. me and my mom barely talk. especially last week. and i just had a conviction in my heart. i kept thinking.. i should hug her or something. cuz her love language is hugging and i just felt overwhelming guilt for not loving her like i should. but i ignored it and we ended up fighting instead. i went to the church offices. just being in that place is something. pj took me to the church for my drum lesson and i havent been practicing much cuz i didnt have the time with school and all the junk going on lately. and he totally called me out and straight up told me all this stuff about myself. not in a mean way. in a loving way. and i really needed that. cuz, that was the first thing that really kicked me off my donkey for lack of better words. seriously, i was about to stop attending church and everything. he is just such a great person to talk to. and then i went to school and it was crazy! i was going in for my LAST day of school before graduating. i had such a refreshing feeling knowing it was over. and then i ask jonathan to print me out a progress report for my mom. and he does and he finds out that im 19! 19 freaking credits short. he said he made a mistake and counted credits from last year. so i dunno if i can go to the ceremony yet. but it was ok. i was actually unusually calm about it. i said to myself "God has a plan" and then i ignored it and started to get mad at jonathan. in my head of course. so we go to COC to register right away. in the line me and my mom are talking about future stuff and career nonsense. and it just really made me think. we had alot of really good talks today actually. but that one was i dunno... anyways then i go to church and its completely awkward cuz andres is there and sitting next to me. but u know it wasnt awful. but the message was good but still. i ignored it. and then lol the stupidest thing. i go home and sal comes over and my mom puts on The Lion King of all things. cuz she was talking about her CD from church when craig Lord spoke and how it was really go and he used some symbolism from the lion king. and i was thinking about it the whole time.. the symbolism.. comparing people to simba and God to mufasa and thru the whole movie in my head im like "yeah!" and "whoa!" and then it just sunk it like smuckers jelly and i was like "thats me. I am simba" and its so pathetic but thats what did it. and i know God has a plan for me. I know theres a reason for everything going on. even not being able to graduate yet. has to be. and i thought about everything today and i didnt even mention EVERYTHING.. but i thought about it and i dont want to be that. I want to be loved and stay loved. and I want to be His. I dont care what happens. I just want to try. I CAN do all things thru Christ. and Im such an idiot to think otherwise. I dont have to worry about Andres. he's my friend and i love him but i cant have that hold me down.
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