dude.. i hate myself... I freaking like that gay song.. Beautiful Soul by Jesse mcCartney

it goes: I dont want another pretty face. I dont want just anyone to hold. I dont want my love to go to waste. I want you and your beautiful. so your the one I wanna chase. YOur the one I wanna hold. I wont let another minute go to waste. I want you and your beautiful.

andres told me I should put my picture on hot or not. um. He said he was curious to see what I'd get. cuz he said his pic is on there cuz his friends put it on there a while ago as a joke. or something. I hate the site... but I did it. Cuz he planted the idea in my head and curiousity killed the cat. Im the cat. grr. So I put my pic on but freaking they wouldnt approve my account.. cuz i look underage.. is that not the stupidest thing? There are younger looking girls on there than me. jerks. so i have to wait till they email me back and explain why i cant activate my freaking thing. Ya know what? I was curious ok.. and I was just rating people while i was waiting to get rated cuz i thought my account was activated for a while but found out later that it wasnt but I was bored and I was rating random people. Then I was looking at some dude.. and he was like perfect. christian and plays the bass and likes bmx and all this cool stuff. and i thought... thatd be cool to meet him. and the thought "he might show more intrest in me than andres" passed my mind. i know. it was horrible. but gosh. anyways. um.. what else? today sucked. church was overwhelmingly stressful today. With my mother especially. I cant stand her. and everyone is annoying me and asking about me and my mom and its stupid. and then I felt i was being watched. cuz glen butts into stuff and i felt like i was being judged. about everything. me and andres went to dell taco and then we got ice cream. i guess it was ok. but it feels like its never going to be the same. I dont want stuff and things anymore.. but doesnt he miss hugging me the way he used to? none of this 2 second crap. he doesnt hold my hand or say Im pretty or kiss my cheek. or god forbid my lips. whats wrong with me? gahh. He's just.. a friend. ew. grr. I mean.. I know he likes me.. cuz he says he does. If i ask or if it comes up. I mean, he said he still loves me. maybe thats not enough. why cant he just freaking look at me the same? a freaking look. he doesnt really look at me at all. like Im some sort of plague. I know what I did was bad ok. ok so.. maybe I should just take the hint and give up? Maybe its no use. maybe he doesnt want to hurt me and tell me he doesnt want anything.. so he is trying to get me to end it... whatever "it" is.. well maybe I should. maybe I will. he thinks he's so clever. what if I just made a move.. HA! Why should it have to come to that? but you know... maybe thats what he's expecting... Ive always kinda been the initiator... is he waiting for me to do something? Do i even want this anymore? i know it'd be fine if we we just gave it a go. see what happens. i wanna show him what i can be and he wont let me.

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we were on the phone at around 7:30ish. he called me jenibun and at first i didnt catch it.. and he got all weird and said something like "uhhhh, did you hear that?" and i said what? hear what? and he was like nvm you didnt hear. and then i realized what he said and i said oh, you called me jenibun.. and he said "yeah, its funny cuz..." and i said "cuz you dont call me that anymore.." and it was sad because i realized that he doesnt call me that. and i dont call him pumba. and if it was weird for him to call me that, that means he is making an extra effort not to call me that.. which means he is making an extra effort to push me away.... he also took down the fuzzy dice i gave him for christmas. what gives?

"Beautiful Soul"

[Chorus]

I don't want another pretty face

I don't want just anyone to hold

I don't want my love to go to waste

I want you and your beautiful soul

I know that you are something special

To you I'd be always faithful

I want to be what you always needed

Then I hope you'll see the heart in me

I don't want another pretty face

I don't want just anyone to hold

I don't want my love to go to waste

I want you and your beautiful soul

You're the one I wanna chase

You're the one I wanna hold

I wont let another minute go to waste

I want you and your beautiful soul

Your beautiful soul, yeah

You might need time to think it over

But im just fine moving forward

I'll ease your mind

If you give me the chance

I will never make you cry c`mon lets try

I don't want another pretty face

I don't want just anyone to hold

I don't want my love to go to waste

I want you and your beautiful soul

You're the one I wanna chase

You're the one I wanna hold

I wont let another minute go to waste

I want you and your beautiful soul

Am I crazy for wanting you

Baby do you think you could want me too

I don't wanna waste your time

Do you see things the way I do

I just wanna know if you feel it too

There is nothing left to hide

I don't want another pretty face

I don't want just anyone to hold

I don't want my love to go to waste

I want you and your beautiful soul

You're the one I wanna chase

You're the one I wanna hold

I wont let another minute go to waste

I want you and your beautiful soul

Your beautiful soul, yeah

I want a boy to sing that to me. Someone who I want because he is such an awesome guy and because he shows how much he likes me back.. by singing me this song. haha. well, doesnt have to be THIS song... but i like this song. not even singing. gosh, just a dedication would be nice.. to a song that is meaningful to him about his feelings towards me or us or whatever. but boys are stupid. without even asking him to, derek sang me "if ur not the one" by daniel bedingfield because he wanted to show me what he felt. i mean, i know he was from online but wow... that was pretty cool ya know? and brett wrote me poems and such. and andres used to do little things here and there.. and now.. BLAAAAAAAHHH! thats what he does. blah blah blah. I dont want to be the chaser.. I want to be chased. I want to be the stubburn one and I want him to convince ME to be with HIM not the other way around. its so gay. Im the girl.

gosh... I am obsessed with vanessa carltons music video for white houses. I watched it like 5 times in a row just now. It made me cry once. Its so sad. You can tell she really feels what shes singing. The way she depicts her hurt is so real in her voice and in some expressions. And the dancing. wow. I love that dancing. So random.. but at the same time.. elegant and graceful and sensual. its amazing how every move blends perfectly with the music. and the emotion. its a great video. and it says my name... haha. oi. boys are stupid. girl are stupid for trusting them. i guess thats also whyi liked the song, cuz, it makes me feel like Im not alone. i know that already, everyone gets hurt... but it was kinda different. i love how she;s watching herself.. and the part where the dancer comes to the piano and then leaves and she says that she she'll go and wont come back.. because what she sang about. the boy she sang about, changed who she was. at least, thats what i got from it. i wish i could dance like that. i used to dance a long time ago. at my old old church. there was a group of us. our first dance team. and interpretive dancing was always so hard for me.. cuz i felt weird infront of people. but alone.. i loved it. I wish i would have pursued it more. My mom said I was really graceful. But now... I wouldnt be able to do anything... Im so uncordinated when it comes to dancing. o well.

"It's about jealousy, it's about losing your virginity, it's about living on your own," she said. "It's a story that most people can relate to, that chapter in your life from 16 to 25, where you're trying to figure out who you are, and you go through all these triumphs and tragedies on a daily basis, and how they shape you. It's really the journey of one girl and her perception of her environment and how she starts out as a wide-eyed person, but everyone gets hardened by life, but not necessarily to the point where you can't feel anymore � all these things, in one little snapshot of a song."

white houses

Crashed on the floor when I moved in

This little bunk alone with some strange new friends

Stay up too late, and I'm too thin

We promise each other it's til the end

Now we're spinning empty bottles

It's the five of us

With pretty eyed boys girls die to trust

I can't resist the day

No, I can't resist the day

Jenny screams out and it's no pose

'Cause when she dances she goes and goes

Beer through the nose on an inside joke

I'm so excited, I haven't spoken

And she's so pretty, and she's so sure

Maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her

The summer's all in bloom

The summer is ending soon

It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone

But I hold on to your secrets in white houses

Maybe I'm a little bit over my head

I come undone at the things he said

And he's so funny in his bright red shirt

We were all in love and we all got hurt

I sneak into his car's black leather seat

The smell of gasoline in the summer heat

Boy, we're going way too fast

It's all too sweet to last

It's alright

And I put myself in his hands

But I hold on to your secrets in white houses

Love, or something ignites in my veins

And I pray it never fades in white houses

My first time, hard to explain

Rush of blood, oh, and a little bit of pain

On a cloudy day, it's more common than you think

He's my first mistake

Maybe you were all faster than me

We gave each other up so easily

These silly little wounds will never mend

I feel so far from where I've been

So I go, and I will not be back here again

I'm gone as the day is fading on white houses

I lie, put my injuries all in the dust

In my heart is the five of us

In white houses

And you, maybe you'll remember me

What I gave is yours to keep

In white houses

In white houses

In white houses