I dont know what to do.. well, he sounded sincere. i mean he is trying.. but I'm scared. Not only that we're going to waste each others time, but that we'll just get more attatched which means more hurt if things dont work out for the same exact reasons, or more. and that would be dumb cuz we could avoid that right now right? It was hard going through that with brett and i can finally say that Im somewhat over the emotional part of that.. but it still hurts alot sometimes. and i don't want this to turn into that. I'm so sick of this feeling of.. i can't describe it. But Im sure that all girls know exactly what I mean when I describe the hurt that comes from a guy hurting you or being hurt as a result of not feelings loved enough by a boy or having to lose a boy or a father or a friend or whatever. I dont like it. I want to get over it. i am also afraid that maybe i am making a mistake in doing this... who knows.

I know i will be ok alone. I know me and andres can be friends, maybe we'll have to wait a while.. Im thinking that might be neccessary if thats what he wants too. Cuz we're great friends. I love being with andres and sharing things with him. We have fun and I'm one of "the guys". but perhaps he is mistaking his love for me for something else. I think he loves me as a friend, not a girlfriend. I think its confusing him. I could be wrong. But don't we have plenty of time to figure that out? This was is better for everyone and here is why... He didn't want to be with me in the first place... he said "i have to focus on my career and school and whatever" and so it'll be good for him cuz thats what he wants. And it will be good for me because if i am with someone i want them to make me feel loved and wanted, so i have no doubts and worries. I dont have to wonder "does he really like me like he says?" because i will know it because it'll be so clear. And if we're just friends.. i wont expect those things. and I'll be content being treated as a friend. Cuz thats kinda like it is anyways... why put a "boyfriend" title on a friendship? So we arent together.. it wont really change anything.. no more kissing. no prob. no more hands holding... might be hard at first but its doable. no more hanging out as much? wasnt that much to begin with. no more calling? wasnt that much to begin with. No more bf gf affection? wasnt barely any at all. So really... no big HUGE difference. Only the title. Only him knowing that i was "his" and he was "mine" but who needs that? For some crazy reason.. boys seem to think that once you've become a girls bf.. the pursuit is over. My brother said that the pursuit never ends. If a girl agree's to go out with a guy.. that guy has only conquered the hill.. now he has to conquere the mountain of winning her over and keeping her. Doing anything he can to make her happy. and the girl has her part too obviously. The guy in the book i read said "dont spent your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you" and another quote in response to a girl's letter "...is this how you want to live the rest of your sex life? he may be into you, he may not, but the only thing you have to answer is, is this how you want to feel, perhaps forever?" ok take out the sex part cuz the girl was complaining that he bf didnt have sex with her... but anyways.. he does have a point though. I might think "yeah, this isnt that bad, I can deal with the feelings and emotion.. for now. But what about the long term? how long can i take? will i get used to it? Do i want to get used to that?" And physically, I dont think I am what he wants. I dont think that kinda thing matters but you know, guys are shallow. THEY ARE!! anyways. He said i can talk to brett... I think he only said that so he can continue to talk to adriana. maybe not. But why else? Cuz i said "i gave up contact with brett and you still call adraina like every week or something" and he was like all defensive about it. Why does he care THAT much about talking to this girl? Who has a bf. and all that jazz. Whatever. I even stopped talking to Jayson. The only boys i talk to are mike and sal... and its not like i call them up to chat. Its only because they are andres' friends. I seriously just dont call boys. I have boy aquaintences, i wouldnt even call them friends really. jake salz used to be a friendish boy but now he's just someone i see at church on occasion. And he calls melissa and adriana.. my mom and heather both told me (and they didnt even know this stuff) but they were telling me that when you get married, usually you will have to give uo friendships with members of the opposite sex and only hang out with a member of the opposite sex with your husband. So, I have no problem with that cuz i have no friends of the opposite sex right now, but andres is a jerk... im sorry but he used to tell me, before i broke up with brett "yeah i have this friend melissa and she wants to have sex with me and blah blah blah" thats what he said. and isnt it funny how he is friends with the 2 girls who expressed some sort of attraction to him? what is up with that? How can he justify that? I have never had a problem with him and melissa's friendship, but i should. and adriana. Cuz if there was nothing there... it wouldnt be like this.. when things got ruff he started talking to her more often... so what then? if i break up with him.. he's gonna go run to adriana? and if we get back together he tones it down? whatever... that just means its always in the back of his head that if anything goes wrong he'll have her to fill the void. ok, Im a booger and i was bored and was looking at his calling log when he was in the shower. it isnt a big deal. but, he tells me "yeah if im with you i wont be able to be with you that much cuz of school and work and blah blah blah" and the other day i was sitting around so bored thinking "i wonder if andres is thinking about me. he will, and then he'll call" and he didnt until waaaay later. and i was thinking, "we'll he was busy" but thats a load of jewish crap because his call record said he called like almost everyone he knows in the morning. why cant he just call and say "hey, i cant talk right now, but i am thinking about you" thats what greg does. thats what any good boyfriend with a girlfriend does. its almost like he was saying 'this is what you get for being with me, i told you it'd be bad' ok, i get the picture and im gone... oi, like an example in the book: "A guy friend of mine refuses to break up with a woman he's engaged to because he's scared. (yes, we're a classy species) When I beg the guy to pull the plug, he always says the same thing: "Greg, I'm waiting for the big fight. I'm just waiting for the big fight." In the meantime, he picks on, bickers with, needles his fiancee, just so he can have the "big fight" and get it over with. It's not pretty, but i hope it scares you just a bit." it scares me. guys are such jerks. blah. heck with this. Im not into it. and yeah, maybe i am overreacting. being mad is better than being hurt, right?