today timmy found a nice place for us to elope. its in san francisco. its not very expensive either but its way more intimate than vegas.. ive been having really bad back pains. its feels like someones giving me indian burns all over my spine and shoulders. it might be the pillow i use. or somethingg. i dont understand people. like my mom. i think she has a thing for the "eldest child". cuz she was the eldest child she favors them. like jason. and manuel. even if they dont deserve it. i mean look at jason and manuel. they are som messed up people. butthey can ocever it up good. they go to church put on thier "good" hats and everyone buys it. i dont try to be all fake like them. i am who i am. take it or leave it. and im not like them. and yet, im shunned. SHUNNED. jerks. i dont even care. timmy says he isnt scared. he said he's excited. about getting married. a while ago he was afraid and i know he felt pressured. but so much has changed just this year. he even loves jefrie. whereas before he hated him cuz he chewed his nintendo wires. and jefrie loves giving him kisses and running thru his feet when he's walking. ive been so overwhlemed. life without thinking about marriage and weddings and dresses etc is hard and then u add all that stuff and its crazy. i like it. but. i wish i had someone to help me. tim is great but i need a woman to guide me thru this stuff. sometimes i want to ask my aunt irene or aunt suzy but sometimes i am afaid to. what ifi get people involved and stuff and then things dont work out? what if something happens? I'll look stupid. I dont know if its just that, but Ive been feeling a little.. scared lately. its liek when tim got over his fears, he passed htem on to me. what if it isnt the perfect day? what if we have a fight? what if in 10 years he decides he doesnt like christianity and stops going to church? what if he never starts? what if he never sticks up for me? what if i cant get over certain things about his past no matter how hard i try? what if I'm not a good wife? what if he turns into someone else after we gfet married? what if we become a statistic? bah.