its been a very hectic 24 hours. not so much in events as in the thoughts that corrupt my head. Not that the events have been few...
On tuesday nite.. 3 in the am.. my stupider half took control and decided itd be ok to sneak out of my house.. and as if that wouldnt be stupid enough.. it gets stupider.. to be with none other than my ex boyfriend brett.
so when i got caught.. it was very... bad. Not that i was only sorry for getting caught. I hate when my mom is mad at me.. but more.. when she is disappointed. i think everyone feels that way. and if not... u suck. ha but no.. anyways.. i wish i could learn my lesson without my mothers help. cuz it doesnt feel like help.. it feels like hell put into a little picnic basket and thrown at my face, MY FACE!
I am sorry. and i did learn my lesson. I mean its about time right? Im finally to a place where i can compltetly give up the last 2 years and move on. Not just because it is destroying me and causing many people pain. not because of my mom or because i got caught but also.. if I want God to lead me to my future.. future husband. I cant have anything holding me back.
thats the last time i change for a boy. i thought sean was right. he made it seem like anyone could be friends. but thats not true. and he is going to learn the hard way.. or not at all. which is sad for him. I dont think i should be friends with ex bfs.. but i thought every boy would think its ok. well its not, and im sticking to that. cuz look what happened? i made a decision to change myself cuz he wouldnt change himself and it bit me in the face.
anyways what else??
I had snookies cookies.
I dont want to go to the party for luke, daniel and crystal... i havent a thing to wear. whatever shall i do?
Im having this weird impulse to watch little women. and read a book called.. well i forget. but o.. speaking of books.. Im reading and the bride wore white. its really good. i read one chapter today and i learned so much. common sense mostly.. but stuff you just dont think about. Im really liking it. guys are always saying how much they dont understand girls.. i'd suggest picking up this book if they wanna have a closer look. maybe not al the answers, but alot. and im only on chapter 5.
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ha.. cuz i can:
pooinmyboot: TIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAY
timmyfryfry: Hehe hi there!
pooinmyboot: Hi hi hi you get an F- in whatever class youre in
pooinmyboot: :-Pno cells in class timothy...
pooinmyboot: or or
timmyfryfry: Haha i know im not paying attention
pooinmyboot: gasp
pooinmyboot: not paying attention??
pooinmyboot: wait..
pooinmyboot: =-OGASP!
pooinmyboot: lol.. i think you have big man calves
timmyfryfry: Hehe shh dont tell anyone k?
pooinmyboot: k. imma squeeze em when i see u and u will chuckle like this *chuckles*
timmyfryfry: What happened
pooinmyboot: i think ur teacher has the hots for you
timmyfryfry: Hehe she keeps winkin at me
pooinmyboot: only cuz ur blowin her kisses and making obscene gesters!
timmyfryfry: Lol youre such a dish
pooinmyboot: well shucks hun
pooinmyboot: u
pooinmyboot: have
pooinmyboot: mustard on ur face..
pooinmyboot: QUick! get a towel!
timmyfryfry: Lol youre so funny i love it
timmyfryfry: Are u still alive
pooinmyboot: O:-)hee wink at the person next to you and say in an outragously exotic french accent "you, my spanish cupcake, are as lovely as a blind bat in an abandoned golf course"
timmyfryfry: Que? lol
pooinmyboot: lol what what??
timmyfryfry: What you talkin about willis?
pooinmyboot: ewww i passionately dispise that creepy kid..
timmyfryfry: Haha no way this guy is freakin hairy
pooinmyboot: other side..
timmyfryfry: Umm i dunno lol
pooinmyboot: who is it?
pooinmyboot: do it! for the children!
timmyfryfry: Other side of what
pooinmyboot: lol u said this guy is freaking hairy.. who is on ur other side??
timmyfryfry: Oh lol well just some guy looks kinda weird
timmyfryfry: He has a blue shirt
pooinmyboot: poke him with ur pencil and call him a blueberry
pooinmyboot: OH! OH! a spanish blueberry!
timmyfryfry: Umm lol how bout lets not and saw we did
timmyfryfry: Say*
pooinmyboot: thats no fun
pooinmyboot: lol i dare you.. cmon.. i dare you and..AND! i will let u tickle me for 5 seconds..
timmyfryfry: Hehe well i would but class just got out and im leavin
timmyfryfry: On a jet plane
pooinmyboot: aww
pooinmyboot: run up to him and poinch his bum!
timmyfryfry: Hehe well me coming to your house is fun
pooinmyboot: YAY!
timmyfryfry: Hehe thats a good offer but he is gone
pooinmyboot: grr
timmyfryfry: Maybe next time
timmyfryfry: Lol
pooinmyboot: =-O
pooinmyboot: u wanna :-*
timmyfryfry: Well can i still come over then ?
pooinmyboot: NO!
timmyfryfry: Is that a yes?
pooinmyboot: but of course
timmyfryfry: Umm hey my phone froze up u still there
pooinmyboot: mhmm
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later that nite...
Im mad at everyone. and its stupid. im just selfish. but i cant help how i feel about certain things. even if its irrational. feelings most times are irrational. I really like that my mom and my brother like tim. I really do ya know.. Ive never really experienced them liking anyone i've brought home. and its been.. or was... nice. but its also.. annoying. no... ya know what? Its really annoying. it wasnt like that before. i mean.. my mom talks alot and usually i hate the sound of her voice just because i have to hear it all the time.. but it was ok. i wasnt annoyed that she would talk to tim. i was fine with it. i mean from time to time I'd think to myse;f "oh mom.. do shut up" but i'd bite my tongue and let her yammer on and on. but its too much. she is way too confusing for me. a contridiction. She always tells me i cant date tim cuz he isnt a christian. yet, she says things like she wants to invite his mother to dinner when she comes to visit.. oooooookay.. thats a bf/gf thing. and shes the one who doesnt want that.. and i have no problem with that but.. gah nvm. i just dont understand why she pushes things along infront of everyone but behind closed doors its "you cant do this and no doing that cuz he is this and that" and she's all nice and friendly to him but a jerk to me. and people wonder why my attitue sucks towards her. i just cant take her. every time tim comes over she has to have at least one huge conversation about Godor sex or something "important" and whatever. and great. ya know.. cuz i want tim to be interested and such. im glad he is and im glad he is comfortable talking to my mom but gosh.. its like.. everyday. she complains its going to fast but she treats him like my bf too. its not just me. but anyways.. she just doesnt leave us alone. im not 15 years old.. i mean what does she want from me? I bring him to the house EVERYDAY. we barely ever go out. and its not like i like being home. i do it for her. most people my age dont have to call their mommies every 5 seconds to tell them where they are or why... what is that? Sometimes i feel like screaming.. like right now I just want to pull out my hair and scream for hours. Its not even a big deal. Im just weak. So every thing always seems so big. Its just, so much has happened in the last couple months and im overwhelmed. and she isnt making it any easier. no one is. whatever that doesnt even matter. i just dont know what to do really... I mean tonite.. tim came over and right away they started talking and she even had the nerve to get mad at ME for interupting HER conversation. How many times does she do that to me? always. So i just left. i just went away to my room. I figured theyd come get me when thy cared. and hours later.. or an hour same difference.. tim AND jason come up to my room to watch tom goes to the mayor. and after.. we watch tv in the living room with my brother.. hovering over my shoulder. omg i feel so suffocated all the time. and she wonders why i do stupid things... like sneak out at 3 morning. i mean can u blame me?? or am i just dumb? i just cant take it. it feels good to do something completely dumb sometimes.. just so i can go "see, you did that on your own.. not with ur mommy to tell u whehter it was ok or not.. it was ur decision." not that thats good.. but isnt it at least understandable? I know its wrong. i know im dumb and i really dont want to do stupid things. i think sometimes parents do more harm than good. if ur too leanient then they get away with everything and dont care and blah.. and it can be bad. but if u hold on too tight and smother they.. they freak out and have this overwhelming desire to rebel. and they could have just been good people if they just had the chance. Im not even making sense. who cares. this isnt even really about tim. im not some nutcase (or am i?) who is obsessing over spending time with some guy... it could be anyone. heck, it could be sal or talya or anyone. infact, it was talya. thats why she doesnt hang out with me anymore. We were getting closer and then my mom would call her and say "so when are you and jeni hanging out again" allllll the time. and talya got sick of it. its always been like this.. in highschool i'd get into a fight with my friend or something and my mom would call them or their mom and get all into my business. Im so tired of this. i want it to end. I know i live in her house, under her rules.. but omg... leave me alone! anyways... and im not mad at tim. i just.. i know he wants to make a good impression on my mom and such. but he doesnt have to like do every little thing her way. like i mean, important stuff yeah.. of course.. like not going to his place or being home by a certain time.. but if we make plans.. and she wants to conveniently change them itd be nice if he could just say "love to talk but uh.. im here for jeni" or "ya know, we had these plans already sorry, love to but maybe another time" even if it was as stupid as taking a walk. something you can do anytime. something so dumb but if he said that was the plan.. bah.. it doesnt even matter its so dumb gosh. i just wish anyone, would be able to know when its ok to tell my mother no."here for jeni" heh.. maybe thats the thing.. maybe he isnt there for me. i meaan we barely spoke at all. thats it. if he wants to hang out with me.. we have set plans first and mostly outside the house. none of this watching tv with my mother nonsense. i dont even really like tv. i like the jokes and the ha ha ha, but overall.. tv is dumb.
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o i almost forgot..
not last nite but the nite before.. tuesday nite i think.. me and tim talked in his car for a long time about what happened and blah. and it was good cuz at one point in the conversation he's wanted to make a point and he reached in the back seat and grabbed his bible and he showed me what he had read and such.. and i was like whoa.. he actually read something. he seems genuinely interested in this nonsense. not nonsense lol.. u know what i mean. but yeah.. its crazy. cuz honestly, if i wasnt brought up in the church.. i dunno how i'd respond to this kinda stuff.. it all seems so far beyond reality.. so im really glad i was born into the church so i could learn about it all throughout my life and build a strong foundation for when i face hard times. anyways.. but yeah. like i said.. he read his bible and wanted to talk about it. crazy.
OH! coming to a diary near you... (mine).. "the list".. new and improved. i think, actually im not sure if i wanna post it just yet.. BUT! it is a work in process none the less (o my frikken gosh i love that word) anyways.. i made the list before but i think i can go more in depth now.. the book im read and the bride... says to make a list. so today after work im gonna watch little woman and wrtie my list. what? i cant be girly for.. for just once.. (ok not just "once") but cmon now people. cmon.
by the by... I lost.. my purity ring. oi. i love that stupid ring. and hate it all at the same time. but i still want it. i think it fell in the coc parking lot. gah. its my chubby fingers...
k gotta go.
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