max and I are staying at a hotel for the week.

I'm doing schoolwork and watching dirty dancing. He is sleeping next to me. His hand over his head outstretched on the pillow. I leaned over and put my face in his hand. He pulled it away and turned around.

I jsut dont understand. We used to have sex like every day. Today was the first time we had sex in weeks. and its probably only because Ive been making such a fuss about it. that we havent. lasrt night i had a meltdown because i tried to initiate things and he stopped it. that wasnt the first time. and i feel ugly and stupid and isjfadkl. idk.

last night i had a series of bad dreams. they werent actually bad at all. thats why though. they dont mean anything. and it doesnt happen a lot. its just weird to happen now. idk why. but i kept dreaming about memories. with tim. like remembering. all night. like if i didnt they would disappear so i let it happen. even though i wasnt really letting anything happen because i didnt choose to dream about it in the first place. but thats what it felt like.

some memories would repeat. it was mostly happy memories. and sayings. it should have all been really nice. but it was haunting and i woke up several times in a meltdown.

that's been happening now too. Its strange but its happened about 3 times now... waking up in a meltdown. max reaches over and says "baby whats going on.. come here. come hold me." until I do and we fall back asleep.

the one memory that repeat the most was this one.. we, tim and I, were having a really goood day. we were joking a lot. and idk why i just remember being really happy. and he came up behind me and told me to lean back and i fell in his arms and he grabbed me under my legs and swung me. and he would do that sort of stuff. and it was so fun. sometimes at night he would lift me in the air with his knees and hold me arms out and move back and forth and i closed my eyes and it felt like i was flying. and i wouldnt feel stupid or silly. even thought he called me a dork for how happy it made me. i know he wasnt judging me. i know he enjoyed it as much as i did. because he got the most pleasure from making me smile.

I'm not saying these dreams and memories or whatever makae me want him again. and at the same time im not saying i dont. in a way i will always want him. but not him now. him then. i miss us. but we arent us anymore. im not me and he isnt he. we'll never be us again. and thats ok. but i can grieve it.

i think losing brett was preparation for this. i always knew it was preparation for something. thats how life seems to go. hurt on top of hurt. worse every time.