[1251] uhm

by ilickdoorknobs
1:10am o my god. that's all. i can say right now. ----------------------------------------------------- 1:53am on a completely different subject.. omg againnn... does tim even know what quixotic means? i bet not. Caught up in the romance of noble deeds.. he isnt capable of ROMANCE! and i have never seen him caught up in anything but sleep and video games. not on his own. not without a HUGE push.. and for who? this girl he said was a frienddddd? with a bf?? yeah... thats a keeper. she must have really huge boobs or something. he isnt who i thought he was at all. at all. going after someone who has a bf? not even wanting to go to church when he said he was into it before he even met me. not even caring about me enugh to be nice... being all "im a nice guy" but is he really?? no. i guess if she cheats on her bf with him that makes her that much more appealing to him or something. thats what it seems like. i bet they already did.. who is he?? "i jumped that sh*t" like he's tuff stuff. yeah he jumped. and he screwed up his chest doing it. andd he was scared and chickened out the day before. he's the weakest person i know in every sense of the word.. he cant fight for ANYTHING or ANYONE he believes in. not even someone he said he loved more than anyone he's ever loved. i bet that was a lie too. couldnt stand up for me. he cant even stand up for himself. so yeah.. i hope he tricks people and makes them believe he's something he isnt. and continues to put off this front of being a nice guy.. because thats all he's capable of. its sad because i was going to write about how i would never forget him. and how i think he was so great even after everything. and what a beautiful person i feel he is... and that i'll always have a place in my heart for him, how could i not? but.. i dont even know where that person went. i dot even know if that person i loved even existed. it was all a lie. and it makes what happened tonight... what happened tonight was crazy. and. ah omg. nvm. i still cant talk about it. not yet anyways. not yet. its just.. being soooo sure about something and then giving it the option to leave and watching it not only leave but run away... without a thought.. its makes you wonder what they were even doing there to begin with. back and forth my arse. you know or you dont. for a long time i thought i knew. but i "knew" something that wasnt even there. it just makes it hard to trust people. but. i think i do. and that really scares me. and if im really honest.. i guess part of me is just jealous. and i dont want to be jealous. i want to be over him. and i still love him and i just want it to go away for good and not think about him because not only is he not thinking of me... but even if he was.. he isnt right for me. i just want to get over it.. especially becauuusee.. oi. i think im really falling for jason.. whom we are now calling "johnny". we're tesing it out. i like it so far. better than frankie and he already took j dawg. grr. but i guess that only works in silly situations anyways. anyways.. he is amazing. and and wonderful. I went down to glendora today to help him study for his test tomorrow. or today. he's got so much going on next week. we got a good 15 minutes of studying in lol. uhg when im with him i dont think about anything else. i dont have any worries or jealousy over what tim is doing like i sometimes do when im alone dwelling on everything... i'm content just being with him. and he is sooo into me.. and not just into me.. he said.. well he says a lot and thats the thing really. thats what i like about him. he is SUCH a talker. omg sometimes.. its hard to keep up. he's just so smart. and funny. and he thinks i'm just the best thing since sliced bread. he looks in my eyes when he's being serious and repeats himself if he doesnt think i believe him. because at first.. i really didnt and i would tell him sometimes and look at him like he was crazyyyyyy. and he'd hold my face and look at me and say.. "jeni.. i need you to know i mean it when i say.... this or that" kind of thing or similar stuff like that. and let me tell you.. its spectacular. he is soo beyond what im used to. he is so mature. yet he is younger than the guys I've dated. tim is 23 and this guy is only 21 and he knows soo much more about who he is and wants to be than tim ever knew. he knows what he wants. and oi he is passionate. and .. passionate. and PASSIONATE. Ive never clicked with anyone like this before.. yeah in one area or a few or some.. but not all. and he said the same thing. he's never clicked with a girl before like he does with me. like i said.. he tells me a lot of things. last week he asked what scares me the most when it comes to guys.. and i said "when they say things they dont mean". so.. he knows that would be the worst thing he could do. and im not naive.. i know me saying that wouldnt have an effect on a guy who was just spitting out nonsense.. but i know he took it seriously. because he takes me seriously. and he isnt the kind of person to just say things cuz they sound good. i know he means what he says. he said if i gave him the chance he could treat me soo good. take care of me. love me. he said tonight not only that im the kind of girl he could fall in love with.. but that he actually was since the day he met me! yeah i know pretty fast for that but.. honestly.. i havent felt this way either. all day i was fighting the urge to say it to him. and i didnt even after he told me that but.. i wanted to. but he said he hopes it doesnt make me think weird things, because he knows its ffast and he knows its crazy. and he doesnt want to cheapen it but its how he feels. and i know its fast after timmy but really.. timmy is being SUCH a jerk. and i dont have the energy to be miserable over someone soo.. selfish. and i thought it was wrong and stupid of me.. i mean i was engaged. but. timmy never took it seriously so why should i have to pretend it was? it takes TWO! so really.. if we werent serious.. its like it never happened. and also.. johny says that we cant control how or when we fall for someone.. thats whats soo great about love. its random and unpredictable. and i dont feel bad anymore. i mean this whole time ive been worried about tim. and this whole time tim has been worried about tim. lol. johnny heard about the car insurance thing and said something like "wow you really had a winner".. because who does that? no one. and i know he wouldnt. he's everything i wanted. its really cliche but.. it seems too good to be true.. which is probably why ive been holding back emotionally. actually thats definately why. uhg i wish i could record our conversations and paste them here. especially the one tonight. he is so sweet. and he thinks i'm chimerical :] but anyways, its late so.. in conclusion.. its official and now we're exclusive :] and altho thats pretty omg-worthy. its not even close to the real reason. i dont know what to think about the real reason. im not sure if i should mention the real reason. ahhh this will be the cause of my untimely death.. *bursts with lucky charms and colored pencils* ---------------------------------------------------------- 12:22p well last night i went to bed at 5. G's. the song is reffering to johnny if anyone was confuuused about that. i talked to my mom. tim is being a jerk. but i told her about just some of what johnny says to me and how he treats me.. she really likes him. she wants to meet him but she isnt pushing it you know. she's letting me just take it slow. not that she's "letting" me do anything. its just that she doesnt get weird about certain things like before. i come home really late and its never been an issue. i dont really tell her exactly where im going just the city lol and thats been fine. she doesnt hhave to know everything all the time like before. so yeah. things always get crazy when you meet peoples parents anyways. more serious for some reason. even tho me and the mother are doing okay.. i think i'll wait it out. she wants me to talk to pdk tho. i feel kind of weird. i didnt ever call him back and its been over 2 weeks. things just got stupid and crazy and i felt like it was pointless. but she said i could cry with him and he would listen to me and i think i need that. i need to speed up this getty over phase and if thats going to help.. im in. so i guess i'll go call him. Gosh. Even after just a day or 2. I can see how much better things are when you just follow God and what he wants. even if you make mistakes.. at least you can just brush it off and keep going instead of having to go thru a huge maze of nonsense. I hope other people realize what i have... i really do hope the best for him too. even if i am really pissed off at him. i think i see a light at the end of this little rabbit hole.. ---------------------------------------------- 5:06p When I look in a mirror and happen to have tim on my mind, which happened earlier today... i feeel like im singing this song to myself... its really amazing. Its basically saying.. dont stop and feel miserable or watching tv like a dumbie.. dont dweell about something thats already gone... take on the new and run with it. jump in and be happy about how sad you feel. because you wouldnt feel so awful if it wasnt beautiful at one point. and i think that in itself is something to be happy about. Frou Frou- Let Go Drink up baby down Are you in or are you out? Leave your things behind 'Cause it's all going off without you Excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy These mess-ups You bubble-wrap When you've no idea what you're like So, let go Jump in Oh well, what you waiting for? It's all right 'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown So, let go Just get in Oh, it's so amazing here It's all right 'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown It gains the more it gives And then advances with the form So, honey, back for more Can't you see that all the stuff's essential? Such boundless pleasure We've no time for later Now you can wait You roll your eyes We've twenty seconds to comply So, let go Jump in Oh well, what you waiting for? It's al right 'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown So, let go Just get in Oh, it's so amazing here It's all right 'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
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