my mom called me yesterday. she left a message. I dunno what to think about it. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I've already done that so many times and people STILL want to accuse me of not trying. screw them its always "we have to talk" when they need to and "not now... talking is bad" when i need to. She thinks time will solve things because then all the questions and conversations I wanted to have will go away... ha. Well i still remember. and until they are answered and until she HEARS me for once in my life... I wont deal with it. She can go around telling people she misses and loves me but if that were true she would DO what it takes to have me back in her life. and its not like its some crazy impossibility.. LISTEN. that's it. hear. answer. talk. but no... that's always too much. Treat me like a normal human being. Like i should be treated. Like I have been hurt instead of like it was my fault and it was me who tore this family apart.. it was him. it was Jay. That's what did it. and yet I get the blame. all the time. they don't see it. they don't get that that's the problem. and maybe they don't even know that's why they hate me so much. but its true. and i hate them for putting it all on me. making me out to be the bad guy.. i didn't do anything. I'm sorry i let things happen. I'm sorry i was scared to tell people. I'm sorry I thought it would ruined our family... if I knew i was right... maybe i would have just ran away like i thought of doing so many times. If i knew it would effect everything. my grades. my friends. my relationships. i would have just kept it to myself... and tried to make myself strong enough to stop it on my own. no one would know and nothing would change except that.. and things might be normal. maybe i would be messed up.. but no one would hate me so much. maybe everyone has a particular characteristic about them that they carry through life.. and maybe sometimes its not always a good one... maybe mine is a repellent. that keeps people from listening. like a brick wall.. its no ones fault.. its just how it is. I am not made to be heard.. just scream, uncontrollably until my lungs burst. I don't miss her anymore. I don't think I ever did. I miss the concept of family. I sometimes let myself feel sorry for myself about not having a family.. not being close. but its not my fault. and I'm not going to enter into a situation where i have to constantly doubt that. so she can continue to miss me. I think I'm missable. I think I'd miss me if I were gone too. -------------------------------- Bayside- No One Understands I've always played the fool around here I'm starting to worry that I rush through life Forgetting to breathe We all need some time to adapt No one understands No one understands What it's like I had high hopes for silver and gold I thought things would change for the best My mom always said I was named for a saint But I've never felt I was blessed No one understands No one understands What it's like I've got your cure right here Is that what you want to hear I've played the fool too many times I've been catching up for all my life, and it seems It gets harder to believe It gets harder, but be honest If the sun don't shine tomorrow, we'll survive I turn this up as loud as it goes Aand it ain't doing much for the pain It's up to me and the heart on my sleeve That hasn't quite been the same No one understands No one understands What it's like I've got your cure right here Is that what you want to hear I've played the fool too many times I've been catching up for all my life, and it seems It gets harder to believe It gets harder, but be honest If the sun don't shine tomorrow, we'll survive I'm in a field of landmines A cruise ship, the hell-hole But I don't think about that It's so hard to find help these days When everyone's counting on me But I'm burned already I've got your cure right here Is that what you want to hear I've played the fool too many times I've been catching up for all my life, and it seems It gets harder to believe It gets harder, but be honest If the sun don't shine tomorrow If the sun don't shine tomorrow If the sun don't shine tomorrow If the sun don't shine tomorrow Then we'll survive