Something must be wrong with me.

I hate myself... but I can't stop thinking of brett. Or Jay. Brett Jay Jay Brett. I dont know why. its like I like feeling like crap so i think about them feel guilty and feel like crap. Its like I am so used to feeling guilty its fuel to help me stay there. I dont know. maybe Im just screwed up.

"some people just get under your skin and stay there" - carrie from sex and the city

maybe that's what it is. maybe its the fact that i cant control that part of my life. i mean i broke up with jason and andres and i at least understood why sean broke up with me. i practically did it myself. i gave him no choice. maybe with brett it just feels.. and i know its stupid because of how drawn out it got... like i have no closure. like i had no control. even though that is ridiculous because i am stupid and who cares? and with jay.. i didnt know what to expect and literally LITERALLY overnight my whole life changed. it was over 10 years ago... over 15! and still... it makes me feel.. weird. i still consider that my life. my "real" life... and this is all a alternate universe. what the hell is wrong with me? Do i really feel this way or is this just venting? tim did once say my connection with brett was similar to my connection to jay. i dont remember what he meant by that. but i remember thinking and knowing he was right. and it being this profound statement that changed my perspective. to what.. i forget. i wish i could remember. without having to ask him. i dont want him to know these thoughts are in my head. just thinking of him like randomly where he is and what he's doing but.. also.. sometimes not a lot.. about other stuff.. and things. not a lot. in fact.. i think more about that with.. yeah. i am so messed up. its just started happening. again. yeah it happened before and i somehow got it out of my head but its back and worse than ever. and i do it on purpose. think that stuff. i dont know why. curiousity?or i really am truly mad.