I dont care anymore. I have to talk about it and im not embarrased. Im too annoyed to be embarrassed and i dont even jnow what IT is to be embarrassed about. I've had these symptoms for almost a year now. They come in waves. Sometimes only some and sometimes all at once and for weeks. It's like that now. It's been weeks of these symptoms that for some people if you heard them by themselves wouldn't even seem that bad.. insomnia.. so what everyone has insomnia... headaches.. same thing.. bloating.. so what. Pelvic pain. Sure it's nothing. Back pain. Wounds that will not go away. Its really weird . Also some thibgs id ratger not talk about. And the absolute most annoying symptom .. frequency and urgency especially at night but getting worse in the day now.. "well you obviously have a uti".. do I? Do I really? Well guess what smarty Mc smart face.. i dont. I've been tested 4 times now for freaking UTIs by the most ridiculous doctors... and when they come back negative.. like I told then they would after the 1st time.. they give me that look like well you are just a stupid patieny.. let me do my job because I'm soooo much smarter than you.. let me ignore your concerns and valid questions and stare at this stupid clip board and give you absolutely nothing even though you paid FOR ANSWERS. Screw you Im a doctor and live in a nice big house. So what you had to scrape money together to come to my stupid office so I could bullshit you into believing I know what I'm talking about... uhg! Because clearly they do not know and they are not smarter. They suck. Doctors suck. I haven't had health insurance for a long time so when I went we did the sliding scale thing. It ended up being about 60 some thing dollars each time. Tim just got health insurance this month so I have an appointment on thursday. I almost don't even want to go. I know what's going to happen. Just a waste of time and energy which by the way I don't have.. any.. I'm always tired no matter how much I sleep which isn't a lot because of the insomnia but even when I do it doesn't freaking matter. Obviously I feel better than when I don't sleep but I'm still tir3d. I almost didn't notice it because I felt so much better when I slept than when I didn't that I didn't think I was as tired as I was.. until I realized I am literally yawning ALL day long and apparently that isn't normal. Anyways. I'm just worried. I know your not supposed to diagnose yourself online but that's only true if you have good health insurance and competent doctors.. what do you do when you don't and no one knows anything but keeps taking your money and then has the effing nerve to suggest it's all in my freaking headm. Yes doctor you must be right.. those times I was torn violently from my sleep because of an excruciating pain in my stomach that lasts anywhere from 10 minutes to over an hour. that's clearly in my head. I get that sometimes doctors just don't know and I am fine with that.. but don't just spew words at me for the sake of what? Idk.. just SAY I do not knkw. That's more respectable than blaming my problems on me or invalidating them because of your inability to find the cause. I'm worried. And I know stress pribably isn't the best thing for me right now but there's no way around it at this point. I know I am probably lyrics being really parinoid. I always go to the worst but if it's not the worst of the worst the rest doesn't seem so bad so I'd rather start there and work backwards. Cancer... it's not a crazy concern. My uncle ray died of pancreatic cancer. My aunt Joann had ovarian cancer. My dad has cancer I'm not sure which one because I don't talk to him. I might have called him upon hearing he had cancer but idk. After years of not hearing from him since the last time i yalked to him which was also after years.. he called last new years.. drunk.. and told me having kids was overrated.. i just don't feel the need to convince him he's wrong. Why should I. And if that was his effort he can shove it up his ass. Cancer or no cancer I don't get him. I don't need to. Uhg. And I think some other people I'm related to might have had cancer.. I'm not sure. I might be thinking of diabetes. Ovarian and pancreatic cancer.. those are the scary ones. I mean they all are but pancreatic cancer scares the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure it's the hardest to treat and detect especially since so many doctors don't want to diagnose it.. they put off testing till the very last minute. I don't get doctors.. if i was a doctor I would want to rule out the worst things first. Reasonably of course.. not just test for every terrible illness but if my patient had any symptoms of any of those illnesses theyd be the first on the list. Doctors are just money hungry clowns. Paid to put on a show.

I was in the middle of pleading with God.. Please please let me have a baby.. make these weird symptoms go away.. Please don't let it be something terrible like cancer.. and then I realized.. maybe it is. I've always known I'm not good enough for tim. I've made so many mistakes. It's hard to live with the mistakes I've made. He's forgiven me but o haven't entirely found a way to forgive myself. It's been years since I've been so stupid but still.. i live in fear of myself. When we found out about aspergers it helped a lot to figure out how my mind worked. And learning new coping strategies.. but some things I haven't quite figured out. We'll a lot of things. Like how to control my anxiety and the endless tug of ear into depression that I've struggled with since I can remember. I can hide it well but I remember being no more than 10 and having a panic attack in my bed because I just didn't know what the point of anything was.. what was my purpose? I was happy and laughing hours before but I lay there suffocated. I've always had the need to put on a show. To make people believe I'm okay. Depression feels like my default me. Sometimes when it's really bad I'll tell tim how he deserves someone better who can give him what he wants and who isn't broken. I want that for him. I'm scared I won't ever be able to give him anything or fix myself. Maybe it is cancer. I know it's terrible but.. uhg. I don't really feel this way but the tiniest part of me almost.. nvm I can't even type it or it feels like it would turn to truth. I dont. I know how horrible it is. But sometimes I wonder if maybe I did and then finally tim could have those things. It's me that's the problem.