I have way too much to do and I woke up late today so I wont say much. Just this.. I dont feel good. Beyond guilt and shame of the situation because of course i feel that always but now i dont know. I dont know. I dont even know what to say because I can come at it from so many angles and which one takes precidence I dont even know.

He's depressed and stressed and busy and he doesnt have time for a relationship or anything. I get it so I've been trying to be understanding and, at least since yesterday, not ask stupid questions that he doesnt have time to answer. And hold off on worrying about how he feels or whatever until a more convenient time. I'm trying not to be overbearing.. and to give him as much space as he wants... i say hi but I dont push the conversation much. He talks to me as much as he wants and that's fine. Its not like stuff and things is happening so its ok. We're just talking so its fine. But idk. I know he implied he likes or wanted to talk to me or he wouldnt be but i dont know why. I dont know what to say to him right now. And when he tells me something is stressing him out i dont know if I should just say.. yeah that sucks or try to be encouraging. Ive done both with the same basic response of... nothing. lol. yeahhhhh.. I'm getting used to saying things and not knowing how they're taken. did i upset him? was it good? Who freaking knows. Usually its probably the first because most of the time he just leaves. i dont know. maybe Im just a distraction for him and me just being around is frustrating. He doesnt want to or have time to deal with this. Maybe I should let him be.. at least for a while? Its not like I'm helping or making things better. I feel like all I do is make things worse.

But I mean I have gone. I have a handful of times now. And its not just me like he said.. its not just me coming back and begging or pushing like he said. He comes back too. Only for me its for 1 reason and for him i dont know.. probably loneliness.. or boredum or just because. I dont know. After everything said I try but its nearly impossible to believe he actually wants to talk to me especially when he's talking to me and it feels like he'd rather not. i dont know. he thinks i think too much. Trying not to take anything personally.. but should I? Is he this way with everyone?

Anyways. I got 2 domains from 1and1.com for $2 woot. I'm going to buy a BUNCH.. well.. like 10 since the first year is $1 and then $10 after that but I wont autorenew and then just keep the ones that do good. I'm rereading that google analytics book i got while I was at smartquote because I really want this site to do well and I think having a lot of domains with good keywords redirecting to my main site is a start but i want to run ad campaigns and stuff like I was doing for smartquote. It was hard.. but I was getting the hang of it and he said the ads were doing better. I was doing so much at that job. I miss it. I hated working for John he was terriblly overbearing and mean.. just.. mean and patronizing and rude.. but i was doing so much and felt important and sometimes he would have a random jolt of niceness and say something like "She's our web goddess!" or something that made me feel amazing. I miss it. Not so much computer related even.. just doing something and it being valued somehow.

But. I feel good about this site. I decided to do it before I left but I wasnt really sure it would happen because I wasnt even sure my trip would happen and also I wasnt sure how long it would be or where i would go or anything.. it turned out to be so different than what I planned.. kinda bad and confusing for me and my situation adn the whole reason i went.. but really good for ideas for my site. maybe this was meant to happen.. so i could find my purpose.. maybe this is it. If it is.. it would be so amazing. Which is why i get discouraged about it sometimes because.. i know its more than I would deserve. But why let that stop me.. i can still try. Im sick of letting fears hold me back from absolutely everything. If i fail i fail but it wont be because i didnt try anymore.

I really need to talk to my uncle. Its already Thursday. Saturday I go see my grandma and grandpa. We made the plans last weekend so Tim was going to come with me.. idk. Its weird now. Uhg. Even after talks he still wants to help. Even after I said I was going to move out.. and i came back too soon.. and i feel the same... he still wants to do things for me and help me and be around me. and he smiles when he sees me and he's happy when i call. and why the hell... what is wrong with me?

well I guess that's what Im going to figure out. Maybe this time should be different from Europe. Maybe I should really not talk to either of them. and just actually think and not distract myself and let myself be sad and confused and productive... maybe i can focus on this site while I'm away. That can be my distraction. But the only one. Well. And guitar. And maybe reading.

Ok ok this is longer than I wanted. Gotta go turn my logo sketch into a vectorrrrrrr. Its not the best logo but I actually kinda like it and that's sayng something because I usually hate everything I do. I guess We'll see how it turns out from a vector.. as a sketch its pretty neat.