i dont care if this is the 2nd entry today. I need to write dammit. Janet.

I got upset at Max earlier. I asked him to go to the doctor and he refused. I said not to talk to me until he's seen a doctor. He sent a bunch of messages and then an hour later I was done being stupid and texted him. He promised he would go to the doctor if he feels bad again or sees any blood. I told him he might not tell me now because he thinks I am overreacting. He said he would tell me and I'm not overreacting.

I was thinking about things and like.. Casey said I am a very intense person sometimes and I need someone who can handle that. Max handles everything. Sometimes my brain just doesn't get things in the same way others do. So I get confused and need clarification. He never gets upset when I ask him to explain what he means. I think in the beginning before me met, a few times he would say "it means what it means"... but i think since then he realizes I'm not trying to be difficult.. i just don't understand. He's ok with my need for details. He's ok with my paranoia - he said its his own fault and if he ever forgets that to remind him that he made it this way. I said "oh yeah, that'll be a great thing to say in the middle of an argument".. he said he wont like hearing it but he will know its true and that he shouldnt be upset. He said he understands my concerns and doubts and paranoia. He said he knows he can build my trust in him. That he made stupid mistakes and he wont ever lie to me again. A bold thing to say but we'll see.

Uhg. My stomach hurts. the left side under my kidney. forthe last 3 days. Going to start my period soon. its day 32... last 3 months have been between 30 and 35 days. My app says my average is 37... but i think it goes up higher because of that one time it was 105 days... but still... there's a possibility I could be pregnant.. I mean. we used a condom like 25% of the time. I'm an idiot. That's the last thing I want right now. That's the last thing I need. He isnt worried about it.. I shouldnt be until day 38. but a week is so long. Who am I kidding.. all the stress in my gut doesnt make for a very hospitable for a baby. He wasnt even worried.. like if it happened.. he didnt seem worried. He said we'd make cute babies.

I miss him. I miss being there. I liked running by the river and walking in the cemetary. Its was beautiful with all the colorful trees. I could get used to that. There's like so many trees. You dont realize how much you love and miss trees until you're surrounded.

He doesnt get upset for my fears. Granted I am definitely not how I was when dealing with Brett. But he made it that way. In the beginning I was a moron. We werent even anything. I used the brief moments in january when I KNOW he felt the same and i hung onto those tiny moments for way too long. used them to convince myself of whatever i needed and any time he acts like half a human it would refuel those moments. He doesnt want me. Never did. He said it wasnt lust when we were together a million years ago but it was. I see the difference now. I should have seen it when I looked at how tim looked at me. Anyone could look at tim looking at me and see love in his eyes. i was lucky. but i ruined it. and he still wants me. but i cant. im not getting into all that right now.

Max has that look.

All this worry that Max is lying about everything has me all thinking about that and sort of forgetting my own stuff. like i probably should have told him i finally replied to brett.. i told him brett messaged me like 10 minutes after brett messaged me that night. And I said I didnt think i would respond. on the 4th i think i was at the airport and i was just really bored and tired and hungry and it had been bugging me.. so i said ok. and then i was curious. so i said why. and thennnnnnn i was pissed. and then idk then malcom was in the hospital and there wasnt a time. or i forgot. but i know now. and i guess i should tell him. its not a big deal. i told him to go away but i probably shouldnt have said anything at all. he's going to read too much into it. that i care enough to say anything. uhg. and he's going to make a big deal out of it. its not. but i will. i will. when he calls.

I told him. It was fine :) I mean he didnt like it. But it was ok. He didnt make it into a huge deal. He just asked why I needed to say anything when he's just always a dick to me... or whatever he said. I said I didnt know. That I have a hard time letting something go when I feel unjustifiably wronged. And idk i didnt say this but the more i care/cared about someone the the harder it is.